DESPERATE HOUSEFLIES

“DESPERATE HOUSEFLIES

If insects don't embrace family values our planet's ecology is in danger!

By DREW SULLIVAN

BUGWUMP, N.J. - "Marital strife among bugs has reached a peak," entomologist Buzz Hedison of the Bugwump Institute for Insect Psychoanalysis claimed in a recent speech before fellow scientists. "Unless we can persuade our insect friends to re-embrace family values, our planet's ecology will become dangerously unbalanced!"

"Like you!" someone shouted back.

Hedison snickered as he left the stage. He is accustomed to responses like that.

"Here at BIIP, our fly wing has released the startling results of its 40- year inquiry into the sex lives of flies," Dr. Hedison explained. "My colleagues are understandably jealous."

According to the 1,957 page report studied by Weekly World News, houseflies -- as their name suggests -- have lived in a symbiotic relationship with humans for centuries. Such close proximity to mankind has resulted in the fly mirroring our rites and rituals -- courtship, marriage, childbirth, migration to Florida, death.

"As a result, since the sexual revolution of the 1960s, a large number of male flies have been dumping their wives and hitting the dung heaps with a vengeance," Hedison told us. "At the same time, the male housefly's roving eye -- each individual facet -- has resulted in a population explosion never before seen in nature."

And not just among flies.

"Our studies are incomplete," Hedison admitted, "but cheating houseflies have shown an especially aggressive interest in the alluringly spotted ladybug. Generations of crossbreeding has produced a ladybug whose black spot has faded to a grayish hue. The so-called shady ladybug lives to breed. Truly, this ladybug is a tramp."

Hedison sounded another alarm when he predicted the complete extinction of arachnids -- spiders -- if houseflies cannot be induced to return to their former habits.

"From coast to coast, spiders' parlors are empty as flies busy themselves elsewhere," he said. "At BIIP, our top scientists are working overtime to persuade black widows to abandon their homes and open fly-by-night motels. So far, we've had little success.

"Our best bet to save the entire bug population is to promote monogamy as a natural and desirable condition and send these flies back to their families," Hedison said.

"But there's no sugarcoating the problem. As it is with the human race, so it is with the insect world: The first step toward disaster will always be an open fly."





New Jersey????? Figures.... ;-)”

“A good one, StoveStomper. In case of trouble, flypaper works!”

“where the hell ya find this stuff,go drink beer or go for a hike”