Give Up Backpacking...or separate

“Mataharihiker, if I get you in next year's ornament exchange, I'm going to have to get you something more interesting! Sheesh, the stories you tell! ;)”

“Ah, but has anyone seen stovestomper half nakid? :P :D”

“Hush SC! You crazy woman! LOL”

“treebait, I loved the pineapple! and chili's tent was great! I'm becoming afraid to meet anyone new...you'll all be disappointed to find I'm not all that interesting...I just made some curious life decisions...did I mention I've had a great time? LOL....”

“Well, darlin, I always say "we are only on this planet for a limited time, better max it out while we're here".”

“SS....

I have photographic evidence...

Any bidders? It starts at $30....”

“my husband don't like me to go on any trip, but he would never complain because he also knows that if he would complain I would leave.

You can't take away the thing they love from a person.”

“howbot you Gem? Interested in any forbiden pics?”

“I've been married 34 years & we lived together before that. Everybody needs their own space. I believe that one spouse shouldn't stop the other from doing what they like. I like to go for long rides in the car. My wife hates it, so I go alone. We have many friends/family with planes & my wife goes sightseeing or overnighters. I hate to fly but will reluctantly fly occaisionally for trips. It is much more convient, but small planes are noisy. My wife goes tent (trailer) camping at state campgrounds often. I really hate this but "will" go if she can't find anybody else. Sometimes I just tow over her camper & set it up for her. She goes with friends, family & grandkids. She goes WHENEVER she wants(& often) but most of the time she chooses local.

Last summer I drove 5 hours (round trip) to drop off some important camping gear she forgot. I didn't take it as an imposition, but I still didn't want to stay overnite with her girlfriend and drove home. I can go hiking or canoeing whenever & whereever I want. This is usually alone (she does get nervous in winter)or with her brother. She does threaten to call a local park ranger friend if I don't call & stay longer.

This summer my wife will be going to Hawaii for the 8th time. We both have family there, but I've never been there. One year, I know that I'll be pressured to go.

Years ago, I wanted to ride cross country on my bike. She told me to go but I never seemed to find the time, though 2 summers ago I took the top off my jeep & rode cross country. Hung out with baby brother in Colorado & he was sure I was going to Texas to see my other brother. The only restriction my wife imposed was that she wanted me sleeping in motels & not my jeep, reststops etc. That was reasonable & I agreed.

Nobody likes everything the other does, but why stop them if you don't want to do it also?”

“I backpacked and climbed peaks a lot before my first marriage, it was a real part of my identity. When I first dated wife #1 we went on hikes and backpacks. She was not a mountain girl, but I thought once anyone experience backpacking and hiking they would love it. We got married and she just absolutely stopped hiking. With small kids, I hiked a lot less, but still went out some, but the resentment built. I would get the silent treatment for weeks after a trip. She thought that adults grew out of adolescent activities like camping. After 15 years, we split, and I resolved the my next wife would know where I stood on outdoor activities. After 15 years with wife #2, she still backpacks with me, and we have had our kids joining us for the past 4 or 5 years. I don't insist that she backpacks, but she knows it is a deep part of my life.

I don't know how you can work it out with your hubby, but I know the spot you are in. Its not something you can give up, but maybe more about his reasons will provide some insight you can work on. If its a matter of control, hit the road, Jack.”

““I have determined I would like to sit around a campfire and swap stories with mataharihiker.”
chili
4:34:43 PM
1/21/06

Chili, bring cottonsocks and come on the canoe trip! Currently scheduled (and quite likely will stay scheduled) for June 2-4.

:-)”

“Hey everyone,

I know you all don't know me that well but I just wanted to say that there are many things my husband and I do not have in common, and yet we both always at least make an attempt to be understanding of the other's interests.

I have done some very dull things for my man (like spending THREE hours in a bookstore so he could read all the articles in the magazines he loves so much, but doesn't want to spring for). And I am sure that some of the things I have dragged him into have put him to sleep too.

Anyhow, I just don't think its right for you to be condemned for doing what you enjoy and care about, especially when you aren't doing anything wrong. I think the people you love should feel this same way, and they should support you.

That's just my input; good luck.”

“when I first got into backpacking, tree was not. But I think the more I talked aboout it the more he wanted to do it. long story short, he is now my favorite hiking partner”

“You are on this board so some one will tell you what to do..so we will tell you to crap the guy...but if I had someone to treat me like YOU said he does you with the kids and all, I would wash his feet..and what ever else he wanted me to do..sounds like to me you need to weigh your marriage (children)VERY carefully...a very long time (investment) to give up for (hiking)..I am not trying to rain on your parade but I think you need to look at what it is you are really trying to solve..is it a desire to HIKE without the crap.. or IS IT A DESIRE”

“Highclimber....please, can I roll my eyes? Mariage or a LTR isn't about giving up your life, wants or desires. It is about living a life together-and if one side isn't playing fair, it isn't good. Relationships are about being partners, not servants, or being inflicted with guilt trips and mental games. Children see it quite well, when the going isn't good.

And note: most men get really, really sick of clingy women. Same with clingy men and women. Blech. It isn't healthy.”

“Quote:
"“Mataharihiker, Yes we are friends. He still makes me laugh and we have a great time when we are alone. We bike, jetski, boat, camp, etc., together. When we are alone, without the girls, we do not fight and we rarely argue. We spend all our free time together....except when I am backpacking. He works odd hours so we only really see each other on the week-ends so it is not like we overdose on each others company. If I choose to go away on one of those weekends it makes him angry.”
sandyann
1:56:56 PM
1/21/06
ignore this user"

Sandyann, After reading this I feel that seperation will only make you happy when you go backpacking, the time in between that could be very tough for you. If you both still love each other and have a healthy friendship after 25 years, then you both should sit down and figure out how to fix this problem together.

I know that is easier said then done, but it can be done. I wish you both the best of luck on fixing this issue.”

“oh mata,there ya go,luv ya and i am not a slut”

“Sounds like a jealousy and insecure issue. Didn't he know you liked to backpack before you two got married?”

“but has anyone seen stovestomper half nakid? :P :D”
Spirit Coyote

which half? top? bottom? left? right?


"but I still didn't want to stay overnite with her girlfriend and drove home"

what?!?! are you crazy, man? you, your wife, and HER GIRLFRIEND!?!?!? WOOHOO! HELLO!?!? and you just drove home? are you daft?!?! :-D

sandyann, i have to agree with those who mentioned marriage counseling. i hate to make this topical, but i think anybody wanting divorce should be made to go through marriage counseling. and maybe pre-marriage counseling too”

“I hiked with a gal recently who is separated and had just met with her hubby at a marriage counselor. It was apparently the first time he'd wanted to go to the counselor (or maybe it's required here in MN; I don't know).

He had gotten back into farming and supposedly they had a pact that if they weren't making a living in so much time, they'd get out of it. Now he says he won't. She told the counselor, if it was me or the farm, he'd pick the farm. (Which apparently brought a look of affirmation from the hubby.)

On one hand, you could be like the hubby. For him farming is a way of life he can't imagine giving up.

On the other hand, to me it appears she's already out of this marriage, as on the hike, she talked about having a guy "friend."

Are you sure you're not already "out" of this marriage and you're looking for a reason to get there? Just saying, ask yourself this deep question. Not saying that it's good or bad... just look deep within yourself.

Also, I know more than one person who have been married (either one or the other or both) and involved in Internet flings (no, not me!) For these people I know, it looks to be a diversion from a loveless marriage, where the marriage is more the hobby and where other things make up their real life, cuz they're so fed up or bored or there's no love... and they want attention and to feel loved.

I don't know that I saw you mention the word "love" in relationship to your being married.

So:

Are you already "out" of the marriage in your mind and looking for the rationalization to actually do it?

At what lengths would you go to keep a spark in your life, be it backpacking or whatever might make you feel alive?”

“Not to be a spoiled sport - but what's stopped me before ? -- but marriage requires effort, committment, sacrifice, - noone said it would be easy when you took the vowes, did they? When you said "til death do us part", you probably didn't think that it would be a cake walk, you know? From reading everyone's responses (including mine) it seemed that this point wasn't stressed enough. Good luck.”

“im not even married, but if ppl without children can give child-rearing advice on another thread, then i can say i agree with s-rge on this one. but thats not to say "stay married at all costs". we are not in your shoes”

“Sandyann, if you give up something you love for someone else, you will regret it and resent the person you gave it up for, forever.
Good luck to you”

“the second to last thing I would ever do is go online seeking relationship help.

The very last thing would be to listen to it.











:D”

“Right. Get some help outside of TT. You can surely find some support and dialogue here, but HE cannot. Since you have said you are good friends and do a lot together there may be a way to get into what really bugs him about your trips.

I had a friend who was resentful of his wife's time away until he started having an affair. He then began to suggest trips for her.”

“"the second to last thing I would ever do is go online seeking relationship help.

The very last thing would be to listen to it."

why? its not like we're aliens from the planet Moorg sitting behind our keyboards and dispeling evil advice










ALL HAIL KING MOORGON!!!!











errr i mean, have a nice day”

“LMAO!

Hail to you, too, fellow alien.”

“All very interesting feedback. For those who are saying I am here looking for advice....please read my first post 'Has anyone else ever been there done that'. Really was just a question on what others did in this situation.

Now, let me try to address everything else. I do love my husband or I wouldn't be here all these years later. Without going into the details, we have had an extremely rough relationship due to certain family members not ever liking me, treating me very abusively and my husband allowing it to go on for 17 years before a mariage counselor helped him with an independent viewpioint. Do I like abuse? No...so why did I stay? Because I believe in 'til death do you part'. Am I here for the kids...no. They are almost 18 and 19.

I am now at this point because I do believe he deserves someone who loves him enough to give up a beloved hobby and spend whatever time he wants together. I think he deserves to have a woman who worships the ground he walks on. I can not do that anymore. Believe me...I really do mean that. I am at a point in my life where I want to live for me...not some word 'marriage' and all the meanings associated with it. Why can't people be married and live separate but together lives and not ask permission to have fun?

Sarge, I completely get it...I am being selfish. I do not want a divorce so I can backpack. I suggest separation as a way for him to realize that he doesn't need me in his life to be whole. That I do not need to be a participant in everything he does. Obviously I could never tell you all everything and god knows none of you want to hear it but you are all right, it isn't just backpacking. So, yea, I get the 'Selfish Hardcore Backpacker Award'.

Pleae remember, just looking for other ways of trying to resolve this that have worked for others.
last edited: 1/22/06 10:50:08 AM”

“Selfish is not necessarily a bad word. In our culture any move toward making choices that take care of you is often viewed so. Making those type of choices is not "at" anyone else, they are just "for" you.”

“I don't think you are selfsih. My mom should have divorced my dad when we were teens. My teen years were awful, since I saw how my mom was treated by his family and how he never stood up to them. My mother went thru much of what you described above.
To this day my mother is extremly bitter over all that she gave up for my dad (who passed away 3 years ago).
Life isn't easy, I try not to judge why and what. And yet, I am for marriage-just sometimes it doesn't work out in the long run :-( There is nothing wrong with admitting it isn't working.”

“Can we keep the posts down to one small paragraph today? I'm having a hard time concentrating and my short term mem”

“yea, ppl, notice she did say separation and not divorce.”

“sandyann - You completely took my comments in the worst and most wrong way. I wasn't thinking "selfish" for one moment. In case you just mean that you think you are being selfish, then I apologize, but if you think I was saying that, I wasn't. I am not offering advice because I've gone through it, I'm offering advice because I haven't gone through it. My wife and I have a good thing that seems to be working in these situations. I'd encourage you to read the other part of my response where I said that this sounds like it's just a catalyst for another problem. IMO, the backpacking thing isn't the issue at all, so no, I don't think this is necessarily about you being selfish. I'm just saying you should think about what the real problem is, not the event that brought it to the surface. Good luck.
last edited: 1/22/06 12:28:52 PM”

“lets all hug”

“Don't touch me!”

“Sarge - I didn't take your comments out of context or add meaning. I am saying that I am selfish. I didn't mean to point this at you.”

“cool - group hug : )”

“I am also selfish...life is too short to be miserable for a long time when you can change things...I don't read "selfish" as a complete negative...after all, if Momma ain't happy, ain't NO ONE happy...LOL..

So, has anyone else, aside from those of us who have already shared our personal experiences, had to deal with a long-time partner and friend who resents it when you have something you enjoy doing that they do not share? And, how did you deal with it? That, I believe, is what sandyann is looking for...”

“My problem was just the opposite.
I had a wife with no 'outside of me' interests and just had to be with me or know where I was and exactly what I was doing 24/7. She never showed any trust in me. I was never allowed to be friends with any of her female 'competitors'. She even would throw a fit if I showed 'too much' affection toward my mother or sisters.
A guy doing this is called abusive.
I found out later that people that can not have any trust in others can not be trusted themselfs.
last edited: 1/22/06 1:11:03 PM”

“sandyann - What if for some reason you could no longer backpack? Your knees might give out or you could be in an accident that would eliminate you from the backpacking world. Where would your priorities be then?

One's world can change overnight! Mine did. All I did was catch a cold and my knees went out at the same time. That was more than two months ago. I have recovered from the cold, but my knees are still out. Admittedly, they were bad previously, but I still managed to backpack. A week before the cold I was still able to manage 6+ miles of mountain backpacking in a day. But this weekend I had to use my crutches most of the time between the car and the tent. Fortunately, one of my daughters was with me, so together we were able to have an enjoyable weekend.

What I'm saying is that backpacking may not last forever. What then? How important, really, is backpacking in your life? Perhaps workouts might be a substitute. Good luck with whatever you decide.”

“One reason I am NOT married. I can only say good luck Sandyann.”

“Not the same situation BUT...

I'm a single mother of three. I don't have every other weekend off like some divorced parents. I'm a parent 24/7/365. I have very few bag nights per year. While I haven't totally given up backpacking, I don't go anywhere near as much as I'd like. It's a sacrifice I make. I don't feel as though I have much choice in the matter although I'm sure the choice is there. I'm making my sacrifice now. One day my children will be grown and I'll get out more often then. When my mother was still alive but needed 24 hour care, my sisters and I made major sacrifices. ALL relationships require commitment, compromise and sacrifice. Finding the proper balance is up to you.”

“Sunnny, you are a wise woman...and nowslimmer, you are right about how quickly things can change...I've often told people to be careful what they ask for...they just might get it....”

“here here, matahari - very true.”

“I've often told people to be careful what they ask for...they just might get it....”
mataharihiker
9:02:34 PM
1/22/06

I think if you really know yourself, you will enjoy getting what you ask for. Like the old adage you can't have your cake and eat it too; well, hell, that's exactly what I want! Why would I want cake that I can't eat and why would it be a bad thing to eat the cake that you wanted in the first place.”

“I don't know what the problem is. Go backpacking. when you come back don't act as if you did anything wrong because you didn't. If he can't take it it, let him seperate.”

“It's your way or the hyway!”

“Hey, I never offered myself to her.



I need to see a pic first.”

“I'll play devils advocate and say that if I only got to see my wife on weekends then I'd be very protective of that time. That doesn't mean jealous or a lack of trust, just protective of what little valuable together time existed. That's not a solution obviously, just how I'd look at it. Your kids are grown. Can you hike during the week some? I suspect getting others to go makes that difficult, but that could be a relatively simple solution that works for all. Now, if he has issues with you hiking during the week it sounds like other issues are the real issues.”

“22 years of working nights. Sounds like he likes not seeing his family except on weekends. What does he do during the day. He can't sleep all the time. I think backpacking is the least of the troubles. Also, I am willing to bet that he is a big time controll freak. Whenever I hear women say that there husband is so wonderful and so loving and so good to the kids, yet wonder if they should divorce him, then its usually because he is suffocating her.”