Give Up Backpacking...or separate

“I went through the same thing. Long distance relationship where our only time was the weekends. Towards the end of the relationship she wanted to do other things on the weekends which was normally reserved for our time. So yes I would get upset when she wanted to do other things. Turned out in the end I was right in being upset because she was cheating one me.

What I'm saying is if the relationship started out with you taking time off and backpacking then this shouldn't be a big deal to him. If this is something that has just come up in the last few years or more recently then maybe you should look at his side and see why he doesn't like it.

Don't change who you are but don't be to selfish to not understand where he maybe comeing from.”

“I had an LTR with a non backpacker. He was fine with us going off and doing our separate things but was extremely jealous if I mentioned anything about men on my solo trips. It was fine for him to have women on his sailboat though. It came down to the "if we don't spend time together what's the point" thing, and we split. I didn't realize just how much stress I let him put on me until we split.”

“A healthy marriage is about understanding each other's basic needs. Sounds like one of his basic needs is time with you, while one of your basic needs is time in the woods (recreational activity). This is normal, since men and women's basic needs are usually the inverse of the other's. They rarely mesh exactly.

I highly recommend reading "His Needs - Her Needs". You can check out the author's site (and order the book), at the link below. This book and that site saved our marriage, by allowing us to learn each other's needs and how to meet them w/o having our own neglected. Feel free to email me if you want more info.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/”

“An old joke

Guys marry thinking the woman will never change .. they do.

Women marry thinking the guy will change .. they don't

actually almost all people do change and not in the same way or at the same pace. A relationship exists because you have things in common that you want/like to do together. It would be normal that you also have things that you do without the other.

When people change and the activities and interests that brought and kept you together are replaced by other activities then perhaps you no longer belong together.

Does not seem to be the case with SandyAnn, the backpacking is not new. But is the frequency greater now ? Do you go on more hikes. Is the frequency of the activities that you do together less now, do you not like to do them so much.

I disagree with those that suggest his job has anything to do with it, both the job and the backpacking are constants, there before and there now, and we do not always have a choice in how and where we work. A long term job can be a good thing, .. you get to eat and the bills get paid.

But slavery is no longer legal here, so one person does not "own" another. Staying together is a choice, make sure that he knows that you are with him because you choose to be with him and not anyone else, but that you also choose to go backpacking because it is the activity you enjoy. Let him know that you would enjoy the backpacking more if he did go, but you are going whether he participates or not, because that is what you do.

Good luck, be careful about separation.”

“Manuka, I disagree with your contention that his job, or any other "constants", has nothing to do with it. A critical piece of data is that the children are now of an age to be on their own. That changes everything to someone who may have been staying together as a duty to raise their children in a stable home. Years of repressed emotions and desires may be coming to the surface now that the reason to suffer through them has passed. Maybe now she has more time to backpack since the kids are self sufficient.

About the job, 22 years is a long time to be on night shift while your wife raises the family and maintains the household. Sounds more like a personnal choice than a monetary neccessity. Perhaps he should change his hours so that they can spend more time together other than the weekend.

Anyhoo, all I am saying is that after 22 years of "friends" something has happened recently for this to be an issue. And I doubt backpacking is teh root cause.”

“My friend has the same problem as you, but worse. His wife is extremely jealous of him and and his time.

I am lucky. My wife and I take separate vacations a lot because we have different interests and support each other in them. She doesn't even mind when I drag home my TT friends, women included.

I suggest getting some counseling. You have a lot going for your marriage to not look at all your options. Perhaps a counselor can help him understand your need and that it is very healthy.”

“For advice, I'm sticking with the 3 things I would try: compromise, working on getting to the root(s) of the problem, marriage counseling. Given what else you've said Sandyann about other changes in the relationship and the past success with marital counseling - I'd say that even more strongly. I didn't include "to death do you part" in my vows - that's a goal for me, not an oath I want't to take. I do, however agree with Sarge on the importance of committment. There are worse things than Divorce, but it is awful and destructive and that should not be under-rated. Sunshine makes a great point in talking about what we give up or delay for our commitments to our children.

As for personal experience, I am totally nuts about my wife - so that's a difference. However, left to her own devices she probably wouldn't backpack. She does manage to have a good time when she goes with me, but doesn't want to go out nearly as often or as long as I do. She would much prefer that I don't do go out backpacking without her, but she also wants me to enjoy life and do what I find healing. We find compromises: she goes with me sometimes, I spend weekends where I might backpack doing things she likes more than backpacking and sometimes I go without her. Most of my 21 bag nights for last year were solo and the rest were with TT'ers, but not her. I know that she is happier when I am with her, but she knows that I am happier and healthier when I get a lot of time on the trail.”

“P.S. She's warming up to the idea of longer backpacks and has agreed to do the NorthVille Lake Placid trail as the vacation after the one we are currently planning.”

“My wife an I talked about this over the weekend quite a bit.

My last hike (last week) was a bit too long for her and she let me know about it when I got back. We bickered about it for ahwile, then I gave up saying that I will quit this hobby, this passion that I love if it will make her happy. She did not say anything at the time, which had me a little worried.

Flash forward to last night, I brought it up again, and this thread. She said that it would be stupid for me to give this up and that if she asked me to, I could leave her and take our daughter with. (Somehow I think she would fight for her)

She said that she doesn't like it when I am gone for as lone as a period as the last trip (4 days). She said that she wished she would have said something when I planned it, but it was too late and she was not going to make me miss something I had planned.

We wrapped up the comversation and she said that life is a bunch of compromises, now take your daughter and give her a bath, I made dinner.”

“

"My wife an I talked about this over the weekend quite a bit."
Wounded Knee

You missed a good weekend of backpacking to stay home and talk. Horsefeathers! What is this world coming to?

LOL.
last edited: 1/23/06 1:36:04 PM”

“If you have two kids and get along with your spouse then backpacking/hobbies come second. You are both parents. That's your common role in life, a decision you made together when you got married. Screw backpacking and all the other "hobbies". To consider splitting up a family for something like this is absurd, so much so that I have to wonder if it’s not just a cover excuse for something more significant. You should both seek professional help... marriage counseling. If that means you have to give up the trail for a season to cool things down and get your collective act together so be it. The trail isn’t going anywhere but your children lose a little bit more of their childhood every morning you wake up.”

“jimmysan, you may have missed the part about her kids being almost 18 and 19. Childhood is over. When I was 18 I was a boiler tech in the US Navy hanging out in off-limit bars in Naples, Italy.”

“I am almost 40 and I am still a kid. I guess I got split up between the posts about those with young kids (Wounded Knee) and the original post. I have had to work hard with my spouse about this and I have small kids. So it's kind of close and personal to me. Sorry if I confused things.”

“I repectfully disagree Hyway.
18 & 19 yo kids still in the house or in school will still be required to be supported and housed (usually by the father paying child support) untill they are 21 or even beyond that if still in school.”

“I agree Stove, but thats not the same thing as wrecking their childhood. And if what she says is true about him working all their lives from 4pm to 4am, then it seems to me he would rather pay child support than raise them anyway.”

“I can't decide which country song is appropriate for this situation.

Stand By Your Man
Here In The Real World
It's A Cheatin' Situation”

“This topic came up this weekend as filtergyrl and I talked about this thread. When I first told her about the thread she assumed it was just a bf/gf relationship and was all about Sandyann dumping her man and making herself happy. But after I told her they were married and for 20 some years her tune quickly changed. She was more up on the communitate with your husband or give up backpacking or at least do less of it.”

“Hey marko, I believe "She let herself go" might be good. ;)”

“Wow, do I wish this thread wasn't started by me but is certainly an interesting one as it has really taken on a life of it's own.

Hehehe...child support or spousal support. That's a good one. This is not your typical family income situation.”

“How about To Daddy by Dolly Parton”

“I emailed this link to my wife who had an important point that's been touched on but not emphasized enough so I thought I should share:

"Just an aside to what you wrote, which all rang true to me. I was going to mention that however one says goodby to one's beloved backpacker, the one left behind is also the one left taking care of everything, ie, the household stuff. So resentment can include being 'stuck' with this responsibility that is otherwise shared."

The counter might be that the non-backpacking spouse should be free to do the same, However, if one has less available vacation time from their job than the backpacker - this is still imbalanced.”

“Backpacking is different things to different people, but for me it is like a religion. If my knees blew out, I would work pretty hard at rehab, and do canoeing, rafting, or cycling in the meantime. The outdoor life is a core interest of mine, and if my spouse was preventing it that would be a problem.

If sounds like sandyann's hubby has chosen a life of night shift, which is kind of a passive aggressive way to not participate in kids homework, dinner time, doing dishes, picking up the kids at school, dropping the kids off at school, even ing school activities, driving kids to practices and after school games. All that he does with the family is the weekend, and he wants that time to revolve around him. That seems a little selfish, and I probably got all the facts wrong on the story.

But assuming he's a great guy, and the relationship is fulfilling, how about doing the hikes on weekdays, and doing stuff with him on weekends. If "doing stuff with him on weekends" means doing laundry and vacuuming while he sits on his butt, that would get old. If he just doesn't want the spouse to go out and have fun, even ifs its not a big inconvenience to him, that is a control issue.

With kids being of age, and depending on the need for outdoor activity, you have to decide what you want to do with the remaining years of your life, and are you going do it solo, with the current hubby, or with someone else. If foregoing the outdoor activities is unbearable, as it would be to me, and compromise isn't working, you start running out of options. A ban on outdoor activities would be a deal killer to me. The idea is "through thick and through thin", not "you do everything I say."”

“I just read some previous posts...

Like Tango said - exactly why I'm not married.

Kids and parents are different than spouses and SOs imo...I'm not backpacking as much as before because of kidlets and my dad...however, the kidlets LOVE to do outdoors stuff, and there are times I just let my dad know I won't be around for a few days. Course he doesn't need 24 hour care at this time and it's my choice to take the kidlets as often as I do.
At any rate - there will be a day when my dad's not around and the kidlets are grown up and I'll be able to go out whenever I want again. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my time with them and taking me time when it fits.

Not so with spouse - they are supposed to be lifelong partners, so you can't live for the day when you'll be able to do whatever you want unless you wish him dead or divorce him.

As for the "what if" stuff...I don't believe in "what if"...what if the house catches on fire while you're sleeping and you sleep nekkid? do you spend your sleep life in jammies just in case?? pfffft!
:D”

“This is such a depressing thread.”

“not depressing at all. I would say more marriages are like this than most people know about or want to admit.

Reminds me of the song Smiling Faces

Smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend
Smiling faces show no traces of the evil that lurks within.

Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes they don't tell the truth, uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof.

The truth is in the eyes
'Cause the eyes don't lie, amen
Remember a smile is just a frown turned upside down
My friend let me tell you

Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes they don't tell the truth, uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof.

Beware, beware of the handshake that hides the snake
I'm telling you beware, beware of the pat on the back
It just might hold you back
Jealousy (jealousy), Misery (misery), Envy.

I tell you you can't see behind smiling faces
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes they don't tell the truth, uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof.

Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes they don't tell the truth, uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof.

(Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes)
(Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes)
I'm telling you beware, beware of the handshake that hides the snake
Listen to me now beware, beware of that pat on the back
It just might hold you back.

Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes they don't tell the truth, uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof.

Your enemy won't do you no harm
'Cause you know where he's coming from
Don't let the handshake and the smile fool ya
Take my advice I'm only tryin' to school ya.

Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes they don't tell the truth, uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof.

(c) Copyright 1971 by Jobete Music Co., Inc.”

“Now ya talkin'! ;-)”

“;)”

“Everytime I try to sleep nakid it leads to trouble. I think we need a bigger bed.”

“For me the crisis led to wife #1 being with a guy with interests more like her, and me being with a wife #2 who is OK with me going on outdoor trips, is herself outdoorsy and physical and likes hiking, backpacking, skiing, and who like me wants to raise kids with that kind of activities. I can't imagine the hell my life would be if I had stayed with wife #1. There were other differences than outdoorsy stuff, but that was a big one. Sometimes in life a split is a "do over" and you get a second chance to do it right.”

“my wife and I have a king size bed...........and she still finds me.........”

“Chappy hiding from his wife in his king size bed ;)

”

“I think you should do both. Give up backpacking AND separate.

PS, do you have any naked photos you could post?”

“LMAO!”

“Well....nekkid photos of me are only desired by the husband so I guess I will have to keep him and curtail the extracuricular activities. I don't think the thread is depressing at all.

Many posts...and no fuego!
last edited: 1/24/06 6:41:01 PM”

“Only tight assed conservative religious freaks sleep with clothes on...”

“Thanks Bearmagnet! I almost said 'BM'.”

“No problem! you can use "BM", many do.

;)”

“Only stinkin' liberal hippies use "BM"”

“Nazi!”

“Neocon!”

“Now that's just nasty! I don't think anyone on here has insulted me like that!”

“Well they are just being nice to you >:( me, Im not holding back any punches :P”

“My wife and I take a lot of separate vacations because she doesn't like to backpack and I am happy letting her visit her relatives alone. We kind of have it down to a routine now. We have always given each other space and encouraged separate interests. I wish she backpacked, but second best is her blessing to go do it because I love it.

We also travel together, although it is not as consistent.”

“I have read this thread with interest. I really like Pedxing's wife's idea and his post as well as the next one from Idaho Bob. Kind of along those same lines, I wonder if part of the reason your husband doesn't like you gone is that he ends up having to take responsibility for the very things that he manages to avoid by working the hours that he does.


One more question I have. While I see nothing wrong with you posting this on a public forum the way that you have, I am curious as to what kind of conversations you have had with him about this. (I assume that you have.) What was his response? Did he give a reason?”

“other than this...seek the answers you are looking for deep inside yourself. Good luck, may you find peace.”

“"Don't die with the music still in ya".

Do what you love. This isn't a dress rehearsal. If you can't, you will slowly die inside. Explain this to him from your heart. Explain that you "need" this and that's it's not just a want.

Good luck. I'll put you in my prayers.”

“My wife is totally opposed to the idea of seperate vacations, and is Ok for me to go off for a 4 or 5 day trip to climb a big peak, or go on a backpack. While I am off on the trip, as often as not she goes to visit her old friends and haunts on Bainbridge island in the Seattle area, where she grew up. I don't point out to her that what we are doing is having seperate vacations, and that works out just fine.”

“good advice hikerchic!

Idaho Bob, maybe your wife is like me and considers a vacation to be a whole week or two thing rather than just an extended weekend. I know my sailorguy and I went off in different directions every single weekend from May to October, for one week, and one two week vacation.”

“Anyways...I've been wanting to say this for 148 posts - SEPARATE!
LOL...

phew! glad I got that of my chest...





You can always stay friends - me and sailorboy are friends - he goes out with the group, we talk, I invite him on weekend trips, he gives me deer meat and fish, cuts down trees in my yard, moves stuff with his truck, is always there in an emergency...and yes, he's gone out with women since me.
Sometimes if I cook something good I bring some in for him.”

“Well I got in on this late, but I did read it all. Now that you've said there is more to it than the backpacking, I wonder what the real issue is. With kids grown and gone there should be no reason you can't spend a few weekends backpacking.

I have to agree with those that say if you're happy otherwise seek counseling. There is no reason you can't come to some kind of agreement on this. I also agree that if its control get out! Control has no place in a marriage. Compromise yes, but not control.

I lost a lot of good friends and missed out on a lot of life because of a jealous and controlling ex-wife. I didn't realize how bad it was until I got out.”