Give Up Backpacking...or separate

“It appears as though my husband really resents my hobby. In his opinion, I am married, and as such, I should be staying home with him. Not out spending cold snowy winter nights with other people.

I am really tired of feeling guilty over this and have arrived at the point where I am seriously considering separation because I can not give this up. Has anyone else ever been there done that?”

“sandyann, and he absolutely WON'T backpack with you????????????”

“my ex wife really resented that i'd go spend time with people i barely knew (in her eyes). she tried it a couple of times, and hated it.

spouses have to support or at least understand and give space to each others hobbies and interests.”

“your right about that RA, my wife lets me go whenever I get a hankerin to hike...I think she likes the peace and quiet, time to read, shop, whatever.....without me around.....lol.”

“It's all part of the control issue for them. It's also selfish in the extreme.”

“He will not even consider going. He thinks I do this to get away from him. I am doing it to get away...not from him though. He doesn't realize that I need this for my sanity; to get away from people, work, phones, cars, televsion, etc. It is not getting away from something, it is going to something.

He really resent s me hiking with people I don't know or have met on the internet as Roam Around mentioned. I could get killed or kidnapped, etc. He truly acts like I am having an affair. I am...with the outside. I am just so tired of feeling guilty every time I come home and wondering what is going to happen this time.
last edited: 1/21/06 12:26:55 PM”

“Yeah, your first post sounded like jealousy was wrapped in there somewhere. I work hard at not giving advice. I know for me that I'm always trying to sort out my wants from my needs and trying to figure out what I need to do to take care of myself. Sounds like that's what you're doing. You sound like someone that can make healthy choices.”

“I remember that, for a while, I thought Bill resented my trips until we talked about resentment whenever I took off. I discovered what he resented was having no idea where I was and being afraid I would just disappear...as he described it..."I need to tell them where to look for your bear-bitten butt"...since then, I take great care to give him a full itinerary with phone numbers(like park ranger stations), stay in touch if things change, text message him often when able and not wag my ass at bears...he's still not happy when I go but is no longer full of reseentment and doesn't lay a guilt trip on me...

Bill worries everytime I go out alone but he'd never think of stopping me...I worry everytime he goes out to the bar but I won't stop him and please, let's not get sidetracked here by a discussion on drinking and driving...we respect each others needs and want to live with happy, satisfied people...Bill actually is happier when I am with others than alone...as Stingy sang, "If you love somebody, set them free..."...sorry about your marriage...bummer....hope he gets his priorities straight...resentment is not love...”

“Sandyann, Does your husband have any hobbies that take him away overnight? My Husband hunts and is gone overnight (or 2)every week during the duck season. He also takes two different weeks off during the year to either hunt or fish with his buddies. That makes it easier for me to justify my get-a-way needs. We support each others hobbies. He didn't like it at first then I started introducing him to the people I hike with and he hasn't met one yet he didn't like. But he won't backpack with me. I also give him a complete itinerary and try to call him whenever I have service to let him know I'm OK.
Sorry to hear your having problems with it. Hope it all works out.”

“I gotta ask, after 25 years, how time time together do we need to spend?”

“25 years is a long time, sandyann...are you friends?”

“Songbyrd,
He has no hobbies beyond the ones we do together. He never leaves for overnighters without me. I have repeatedly urged him, for my own selfish reasons, to get a hobby that takes him away. He wants hobbies we do together. Which we have in the summer. He thinks I would be angry if he went away with others, for overnighters. I tried to tell him I wouldn't be jealous but he doesn't believe me. If he doesn't ever do it...how can I prove anything?”

“Mataharihiker, Yes we are friends. He still makes me laugh and we have a great time when we are alone. We bike, jetski, boat, camp, etc., together. When we are alone, without the girls, we do not fight and we rarely argue. We spend all our free time together....except when I am backpacking. He works odd hours so we only really see each other on the week-ends so it is not like we overdose on each others company. If I choose to go away on one of those weekends it makes him angry.”

“Sounds like he's insecure.”

“"If he doesn't ever do it...how can I prove anything"...you can't and it sounds like that's what he wants....I lived with a man like that for 6 years...he didn't want to go anywhere and resented me going alone...it didn't stop me but everytime I planned a trip he'd get really nasty and either ignore me or say hurtful things...then, he'd be angry when I returned for a couple of weeks...each time I felt more and more detached from him....it was sad.....

I hope things work out for you both...

oops now he doesn't sound like Rob...you've got a good friend who's unhappy...bummer!
last edited: 1/21/06 1:04:44 PM”

“endless editing can confuse replies...he may feel that you don't love or need him as much as he does you because you are happy doing something that does not include him. We are all different people...some get self-esteem at the workplace and others, like me, get it from exercising the skills I've learned to be comfortable in different outdoor situtions. Each new experience adds to my confidence in my survival skills and I need that....I still love Bill but without backpacking I would be less loveable...”

“My wife is the same way. She's even laid down divorce threats too about me taking too many trips, which, I don't?

We been married 22yrs, but don't share many common intrests.

I think it hurts her that we don't do more together as a couple, like we did when we were younger mostly (card playing and partying to the wee hours)

I hiked with a guy that was married for 40yrs and he and his wife had taken many seperate vacations.

Everyone is responsable for their own happiness.

If you or I were doing something terribly wrong then yes, change your habits, but divorce me because I go on a half a dozen weekend trips at most and one weeklong trip. Go for it?

I always invite her along too, but she always declines.

I would never let anyone try and change me for who I am or what I like, period!
last edited: 1/21/06 1:15:44 PM”

“sandyann, he needs to hook up with my
ex-wife. Then they both can stay home and make each other miserable.”

“Im sorry to hear about your troubles, I hope it can work out. have you sat down with him to discuss how you feel?”

“Did raising the kids take you away from him too?”

“We talked for a long time last night. Eventually, I said I couldn't do this any more and basically told him that either I had to move or he would have to but he doesn't want to do that either. I explained that I could not give up backpacking as it is a part of who I am. He said I don't have to but I know this issue is going to come up again. That is why I am having this dilemna...continue backpacking and know it is an issue for him or cut our losses and both of us move on with our lives.”

“Wolfeyes - my husband has worked grave-swing (4:00pm to 4:OOam) our entire lives. He has really been a part time husband part time father as he would be gone when the girls came home from school so he really wasn't too involved. Yes he was there on the week-ends and he is a good father. So my time with the children was never an issue. It is just this backpacking thing.”

“IMO it sounds like you're trying to resolve the wrong problem. Backpacking is just the catalyst that reveals the actual issue. Trust? Love? Missing quality time?

Forget about separation right now. Think about individually and discuss together what might really be the problem. Try to be honest with one another, and yourselves.

I agree with Nimblefoot. You sound like you can make healthy choices. Just be sure to focus on the right problem.

Good luck. I'll be praying for you.

PS - You win the hardcore backpacking award! : )”

“Sanyann, Sass and I worked seperate shifts for 4 years seeing each other only on wknds (or sick days etc). That can put an amazing strain on an otherwise healthy relationship. Though we both hike so thats as far as my ability to relate goes. I hope you guys are able to find some common ground where you both are able to have your needs met. I recall how hard it was when Sass or myself would go away on a wknd ( we wuld trade hike wknds and the like), that meant 12 days withough seeing each other, very tough. But we both knew we needed time for hobbies etc.

I am sure that with the rich history you both have and the love and friendship you will be able to work this out.

singed, the eternal optomist”

“Sarge - Hardcore Backpacking? Have you seen my pictures or heard rumors?”

“- just that you're willing to separate over it. Sounds harcore to me! LOL!”

“lay down the law sandyann - don't ever change something about yourself to please others.”

“No marriage will survive w/o compromise.”

“Which is better: The sex or the backpacking?

that's all ya need to make a decision.”

“Guilt trips are the worst-and it is a sign that they do not trust either you, or the people you are with-or have enough confidence in themselves to see their own worth. It isn't fair for people to blackmail their 'loved' ones to selfishly keep them home, miserable. I have guy friends whose wives do this. I also have lady friends whose husbands do this.

I go away on 10-20 trips a year, mostly without Synchro. He doesn't get many weekends off of pager duty. He is fine with it. He likes backpacking, but he also can't stand 1/2 of my friends-nor can he stand large groups. He goes on long weekends trips 2-3 times a year for his shooting competions/classes. He goes camping once a year with a buddy of his. Would I ever guilt trip him to stay home? No! He needs time away, just as I do. I am happy he has a hobby that doesn't need me, and vice versa for him.
Does he like when I backpack with all guys only? Nooooo...but he deals with it-he has met almost every person I hike with. I make a point of that. He knows where my heart lies.

When someone tells you you have to give up a hobby that isn't hurting anyone, you have to ask why. Why do they need to control you? What is their hidden agenda? If you cave into one thing, what will they then demand of you to give up? Do you want to be bitter at 65? Controlling partners are not easy to live with-especially those that are passive aggresive .. ie.. the ones that won't say what is really bugging them.”

“Sarge- compromise is one thing, changing yourself is another.
a good compromise would be to invite him along(which he is not interested in) or have her weekend trips coincide with some boys-only fun: how about getting his buddies to arrange a poker night, or billiards, or darts; join the hockey team at work, or a snowmobiling group, maybe even paintball or lasertag. there must be something that that would appeal to him.”

“Good points helinka. My wife and I are always going to "guys night out" and "women's night out". It's never been a problem because we both know the other will not be jealous and will allow the other to go out when it's their turn. None of this could happen without trust (and of course, not doing anything that would prevent the other from not trusting).

Neither of us have any bad intentions on going out with friends or hiking or whatever ... and the other knows it. It's about trust and love.”

“how about getting his buddies to arrange a poker night, or billiards, or darts; join the hockey team at work, or a snowmobiling group, maybe even paintball or lasertag. there must be something that that would appeal to him.”
helinka
4:48:55 PM
1/21/06

Strip clubs.”

“strip poker?”

“Not on Boys night, SC.”

“Been there, done that.....


and, finally used one of my favorite expressions when I have been pushed to the limit....

"don't let the #&%!$ing door hit you in the ass on the way out"”

“BM, why not? When I was in college we had girls night and would have a few rounds, and play strip poker :)”

“Pics?

guys...........uh straight guys don't do that”

“I remember living with one guy in Amsterdam and for 6 months, for some weird reason, I could not, for the life of me, conceive of doing anything without him...it drove him nuts! It was very strange...glad I snapped out of it..it helped that he was a complete jerk but, oh my, such a good lay...there's something about French transvestites...........

Your husbands apparent "problem" reminded me about that strange period of my life...I truly hope he learns to let go...for his sake...”

“helped that he was a complete jerk but, oh my, such a good lay...there's something about French transvestites...........

lmfao!”

“Its amazing what you learn about people...”

“I have determined I would like to sit around a campfire and swap stories with mataharihiker.”

“...He works odd hours so we only really see each other on the week-ends so it is not like we overdose on each others company. If I choose to go away on one of those weekends it makes him angry.”
sandyann

I think perhaps you have answered your question. If you are going every holiday weekend then maybe you are going to have to give a little but at the same time he is going to have to give a little too and allow you to have your time too...but who the hell am I to say this because I tried it with my ex to no avail but at least I did try to compromise.”

“during my divorce the judge asked my ex to be if she had a hobbie. The ex answered no. The judge told her she needed to get a hobbie, then you may understand why he enjoys his.”

“Dump him.”

“So you taking off to backpack was actually a point of discussion during the divorce proceeding... ?

(woa)”

“Sarge makes sense to me here. The first 3 things I'd try in this situation would be compromise, working on getting to the root(s) of the problem, marriage counseling.”

“See a professional marriage councilor.”

““I have determined I would like to sit around a campfire and swap stories with mataharihiker.”
chili
4:34:43 PM
1/21/06

neener, neener, neener...
I have.”

““See a professional marriage councilor.”
lumberzac
6:06:30 PM
1/21/06

Ditto”