Corporate Life

“A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from Dilbert managers in corporate America:

" Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." ( AMKOD Team Leader, DCMA AIMO Kelly Greenville )

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks, and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)



This is my example: I was having supply chain issues with a vendor and it was in turn creating all sorts of accounting problems. I had been e-mailing our logistics personnel and advising them of the problems when my boss (whom I had been cc'ing) chimed in, "we need to get this vendor in here and lick them into shape!" In her defense, she's from Poland and manages to butcher quite a few sayings, lol.”

“Non...goes in Government too...My favorite of all times was the "WRITTEN" warning I received from a supervisor.

"Mr. ( ) will no longer be allowed free reign during the day. He will be on his work site at all times he is not elsewhere."

I loved it....”

“one of my favorite quotes from strangers with candy is:

"Remember, it doesn't matter WHEN you get here, just WHAT TIME."”

“Office space cadets

RedEye

Published July 26 2006

Every office has at least one office pest. Here's RedEye's list of some of the worst offenders.

· The Borrower: Always takes things from your desk, and you never see them again.

· The Groper: Always finds a way to put a hand on your shoulder or brush against you in meetings.

· The Close-talker: If she gets any closer you'd be making out.

· The Fridge Foe: Better put a lock on that sandwich or else he'll steal it.

· The Loud Speaker: Hasn't mastered the "inside voice" and talks so loud on the phone that you, too, have to live through all his personal and professional drama.

· The Slow Joe: Takes an hour to explain something that should take a minute.

· The Nervous Nelly: Twists her hair into dreadlocks, incessantly clicks her pen or constantly cracks her knuckles.

· The Pontificator: Nothing's a simple "yes" or "no."

· The Noisemaker: Whistling, tapping, sneezing, humming or performing some awful impression at all times.

· The Copier: Don't worry about missing the latest hip catchphrase, you'll hear it every time you run into him, usually accompanied by the ol' finger pistols.

· The Fish: Gives you the hated Limp Handshake and has the personality to match.

· The Know It All: Puts in his 2 cents in all conversations, even if he's not involved. And he's always right, or else he'll keep talking. So, just agree with him.

· The Whiner: Spends the entire shift complaining—about co-workers, workload, management, corporate policies. Yet he's worked there for years and probably will never, ever leave.

· The Gossip: Always fanning the flames of office politics. Usually knows the latest scoop—but if not, makes it up

· The Breather: Has perpetual bad breath and needs a mint especially after 2 p.m.

· The Pre-Divorcee: Has daily fights on phone, for all to hear, about the messy divorce he or she is going through.

· The Smacker: Eats lunch at desk, very loudly.

· Mr. TMI: Has no filter. I'm sorry you and your boyfriend had a fight, but I don't need to hear you tell your best friend on the phone about it in detail.

· The B.S.er: Is master of the universe, loudly announces huge plans—but gets nothing done.

· The Looker: Male who rarely looks female colleagues in the eye, preferring instead the region south of the chin.

· The Pseudo-Boss: You're not the boss, and you have no power, so don't tell me what to do.

· The Cat Lady: The old woman with the terrible smoker's cough whose desk is littered with tacky, plastic crap from area casinos. She spends her day telling stories about her magical cats and her gifted grandchildren.

· The Y' Know Girl: She talks incessantly about nothing but yet is very opinionated, punctuating every aggravating phrase with "Y'Know?"

· The Echo: Thinks your idea sounds better coming out of her mouth. Known for stretching out brainstorming sessions to ridiculous lengths.

· The Snitch: Loves to creep into your boss' office to point out who is not changing the toner, isn't pulling his weight on projects, or taking one too many personal calls.

· The Yakker: Takes a seat in your cubicle and tells you about family vacations, new pets, latest diets and the details of his past six dentist appointments.

· The Sniffer: The girl (or guy) with too much perfume/cologne.

· The Forwarder: No matter how funny the e-mail joke from your brother-in-law is, no one in the office really cares.”

“That's my office. I've been about half of those people myself.”

“Sounds good. Sure would be nice to have a job.”