News from Townsend, TN

“Townsend, TN (UAP) [Unassociated Press] In startling news, it was announced that Family Dollar will soon open a store in Townsend, TN. This sleepy hamlet on the border of the Great Smoky Mountain National Park is well known for the fact that nothing exciting happens. The new store will double the number of dollar stores in the town limits as there is currently, well, one. A resident, known mysteriously as "chili" while using a rich southern drawl, was quoted as saying "gee, I wondered what that building was going to be". It seems the mystery has been solved and the residents are eagerly awaiting the grand opening.

In related news, the annual Townsend Christmas Parade will be held next Sunday, December 3 along the main street which is, well, just about the only street. US 321 will be closed from that curious assortment of buildings knows as "Nawgers Nob" eastward all the way to the grocery store, now know as Townsend IGA. Chili, when asked about this, took a long pull from a nice IPA that he reportedly imported from a hiking trip to Pennsylvania, and stated "well, this sucks, how will I be able to get to Dead Beat Pete's for a burger and a beer?" Seeing as how the hiker is suffering from a broken leg, it would appear that will indeed be a problem.

But in the Christmas Spirit, he was heard to mumble as he gamely limped away, "where there is a will, bygod, there will be a way".

Tourists are highly discouraged from visiting this town as it will only lead to a bigger traffic jam than would otherwise be expected.

More news as it develops.”

“Your town has a dollar store? Hell, I don't even have a town (snort). Main street is a dirty road (double snort)...if there was a town,that is.”

“Nimble isn't that a mud road by now?

Chili, is your main street paved?

How's the IPA holdin' out?
Does UPS ship bottled beer?
Ha, maybe if they don't know what's in the package!”

“Congrats!”

“To me, Family Dollar stores are a rip-off. Dollar General is where I can locate what I want and at reasonable prices.”

“At least in PA wine and beer can be shipped by the manufacturer "in state" only. To ship out of state gets into the intricacies of the alcohol interstate commerce regulations which are laborious at best. It is too much for the small brewery or vineyard to keep track of.”

“I mailed a twelve pack of IPA to California several years ago.

It was very well packed and arrived intact and none were the wiser!”

“Dollar Tree is where it's all at. Chili you guys may have to install another stoplight! ;)

Michigan can't ship alcohol out of state either. There are a lot of wineries here trying to change that.”

“Good Googly Moogly..you are a big city now!! When I was at mom's this past weekend we went to Dollar General and I had the best time. Got to tell you I stock up on bird seed everytime I visit.”

“What time does the pre-parade party start at Chili's house?”

“What time does the post-parade party start at Chili's house?”

“Wow, two-dollar stores and a grocery, sounds like bid city living to me. All my town has is a convenience store and a pizza place. Although we’ve been living large since the only traffic light in town got fixed.”

“Hey TOm, have you had Drake's IPA? It's made in San Fran in really, really tasty. HAs won numerous awards. Hmm, maybe we could work out a holiday IPA swap.”

“You talkin' to me?

My favorite IPA is brewed in Lunberzac's one horse town................or nearby anyway.”

“Yah mon. Whuddya say about a beer swap? A 12er for a 12er?”

““What time does the pre-parade party start at Chili's house?”
MDSHiker
1:57:05 PM
11/30/06

As soon as it's 11 O'Clock.....somewhere.

“What time does the post-parade party start at Chili's house?”
MDSHiker
1:57:21 PM
11/30/06

As soon as the last inebriated clown in a tiny car clears the street.”

“I guess mini cooper drivers need to watch out!”

“In Townsend, anyone who owns a 4 wheeler can be in the parade.”

“So, does that include every deer hunter in town? That's what, pretty much the whole town?”

“Well there are three types in Townsend.

One, the pure locals. Yep, that pretty much includes the deer hunters.

Two, the immigrants that are from "up north" or are "rich". This includes one former Governor, a couple of retired senior officers from the military and a boatload of others. These folks will never have "local" status.

Three, the "middle ground". Not locals. Not the immigrants. People who move here and don't fit either set. Mostly consists of artists, a few educators from Tremont, and a few folks, like me, that wanted to escape the rat race and be close to the mountains. Most of this set are known hikers.”

“http://www.mendobrew.com/brews/white_hawk.html

Yo, Rosey!!
You might be able to find this stuff in California.

I like the Black Hawk Stout as well.

These people are smart to brew on both coasts.

With proper packing a twelve pack of bottled beer will survive shipping.
Just don't tell 'em what's in the package!”

“Ok so I am ignorant....

does IPA stand for anything?”

“The beer I brought back from PA was Victory. It was the high hops IPA. Very nice hops bite to it. I still have about a half case of the one case I brought back. I ration this stuff.”

“India Pale Ale, I believe. I could be wrong, I'm not much of a beer drinker.”

“India Pale Ale it is!

In the colonial days the British would heavily "hop" the pale ale that was destined for India.

The extra hopping would preserve the ale for the long ocean voyage........or something like that.”

“Stopped it from going rancid on the voyage”

“And it wasn't for the Indians, but rather the colonials.”

“I will keep my eyes peeled for it. We have lots of good IPAs out here. There is brewpub about a mile from my house that has one of the best around. Stone is good as is Booneville. Of course, the seasonal goodie Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale ("Celly" to the locals) is out now and is the bev of choice for the moment. Goooooood stuff. Hey, it's only 8:30 and I am craving one.

Do I have a problem?”

“Just wait till you get a wal-mart. That will be the meeting point every Saturday and Sunday”

“When Townsend gets a WalMart, I am moving to Cosby.”

“Where are you, Rosey?

I have seen Booneville brews around here.
Being a huge metro area we have at least some of just about everything.

Mendocino Brewing is smart to have a brewery on both coasts.
There have been times when they can't seem to ship enough to this area and I've had to settle for something other than my favorite brew.”

“In Sacramento, CA. Check out the Booneville IPA.

The Eagle has landed!”

“I figured you'd be rich by now selling those t-shirts se were talking about at Sipsey. Put some Christmas lights on them and ship them over to the tourons in Pigeon Forge and the 'burg!”

“There's still time!”

“Ok, its over. The streets of Townsend are now littered with horse #&%!$ and tootsie rolls.

It had clowns, it had bands, it had an ROTC honor guard, guys in funny hats driving minature 18 wheelers, floats, old cars, new cars and yes....about 100 four wheelers.

All in all, a nice small town parade.”

“How are you Chili? Are ya feeling good these days?”

“The small town I used to live in on the north coast sometimes had nakid people in thier parades.”

“north coast of where?”

“CA”

“oh, well that explains it! ; )”

“oh, well that explains it! ; )”

“you can say that again.”

“What no fat guy in a red suit?”

“How many fat guys in their union suits do you really want to see in a parade?”

““How are you Chili? Are ya feeling good these days?”
graska
5:58:37 PM
12/03/06
ignore this user

I am ok. My job is killing me right now. I am one specialist short in my branch which means I am doing too much grunt work. I am running behind in the things I need to do and on top of that I am working with a broke leg.

My nerves are about shot.”

“Well, we are still waiting for that damn Family Dollar to open.

However, for anyone in the area the next two weekends, there will be plenty of good food and music at the Townsend Visitor's center during Spring Festival.

http://www.townsendchamber.org/events.html”

“Cool. We won't be able to et out of here for a month or so though. Not until the house sale closes. After that, HPM's taking some time off. Not much, but a little.”

“Dude boosts a car from the wye and then flips it into Little River before he can get out of town. What a dumbass.




Rescued motorist charged with theft
By News Sentinel staff
May 31, 2007


A Great Smoky Mountains National Park spokesman said today that a man who drove a car into Little River near the Townsend Wye has been charged with theft.
Billy Miller, 31, of Knoxville was charged with "theft greater than $1,000" for allegedly stealing the car from the Wye, a popular park swimming hole.

Rangers responded about 3:40 p.m. Wednesday to a report of a wreck east of the Townsend Junction on Little River Road.

A 1986 Camaro was found 15 to 20 feet down a slope in Little River.

Rescuers pulled Miller up the embankment, where a Lifestar helicopter was waiting.

More details as they develop online and in Friday’s News Sentinel.

Copyright 2007, Knoxville News Sentinel Co.





After they took him to the hospital, they walked him across the street to jail.”

“"After they took him to the hospital, they walked him across the street to jail."

I guess that's a convenience of small town life.”