You Might Be A Rural Sexual If...

“Look for the book next May...

If you use a Garmin eTrex Legend CX with the 64MB microSD card for MapSource data to locate your moonshine still, you might be a ruralsexual...

If you employ a Shimano IX rear drag Quick Fire II reel on a 6'-6" FX AeroGlass rod with reinforced aluminum oxide guides and a Fuji exposed reel seat to snag gar, you might be a ruralsexual...

If your 2006 Saab 9-3 Sport Sedan is currently either muddy or on concrete blocks, you might be a ruralsexual...

If you are accepted at the Julliard School Music Advancement Program as a bass fiddler, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“Fack!
The term is "ruralsexual"”

“LOL!

I dunno... sounds like "redneck" to me! Or "rich redneck." I can just hear Jeff Foxworthy saying these things.

Then again, you've got some complicated, perhaps not-so-redneck thangs listed.

;-P
last edited: 12/24/06 12:05:45 PM”

“How dare you offend the ruralsexual with such a comparison!

A redneck wouldn't know a CX from an FX...”

“If you receive information from your stock broker recommending that you sell the wheels of your new home now, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If you believe there should be such a color as John Deere Mauve, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If you attend a Lunt-Fontane Theater showing of Beauty and The Beast in a camoflaged tuxedo, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If your blue healer/pitbull plot wins an AKC "Best in Show", you might be a ruralsexual...”

“why do i suspect gojo is 90 percent of these?”

“Never seen B n'th B. Saw Riverdance on Broadway, and La Traviata and Les Miserables off, tho...”

“If you invite Oprah Winfrey to your 6th Annual Pig Roast and Horseshoe Pitchoff, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If your chauffer knows a shortcut to the Cafe Risque out at the interstate, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“chauffeur?
Shofure?”

“if you think a man in waders is hot.... ; )”

“If your custom made Masterpiece Mahogany with Inlaid Cherry liquor cabinet includes a one quart Mason jar marked "Up Near Bryson City, North Carolina", you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If you take a shower once a month whether you need it or not...”

“no, its if you take a luffa and body lotion with your monthly shower, you might be a ruralsexual”

“If you reach your center parterre box seat for a performance of Rossinis Il Barbiere di Siviglia at the Metropolitan Opera with a bottle of Boones Farm in your purse, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If the homepage of your website contains the phrase "...and radiator repair", you might be a ruralsexual.”

“If the cherry inlay of your custom made liquor cabinet is in the shape of a Walker hound, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If you're anywhere with a bottle of Boones Farm in your purse, and you're a man, you might be a ruralsexual.”

“if you take the bottle cap off of your favorite bottle of wine with a pair of pliers, you might be a ruralsexual.”

“If you uncork a bottle of 1995 Cabernet Savignon Reserve from the Napa Valley winery of Folie A Deux with a well-worn Leatherman multitool, you might be a ruralsexual.”

“If your Lear jet runs on biodiesel, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If you use Russian Beluga Caviar to "chum" your secret carpfishing hole, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If your meal at the Four Seasons includes Parma Prosciutto, Mustard and Rosemary-Crusted Rack of Lamb with Herb Lamb Jus, Late Harvest Reisling Parfait, and sweet tea, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If you offer pairs of frontrow/50 tickets for the Iron Bowl to the three judges so your daughter gets crowned as Little Miss Armadillo Festival, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If your '69 Shelby GT and '72 Massey Ferguson are keyed alike, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If you hire West Coast Choppers to build you a custom four-wheeler, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If you backpack with a cockapoo.....”

“If your exhibit at Boston's Museum of Fine Art is titled "Perspectives in Yellow Pine", you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If you insist on being called an Appalachian American............”

“If your worldwide tour includes Rome, Athens, and Berlin, yet you never leave Georgia, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“Ain't this a Redneck? COOL”

“If your GoLite Galaxy backpack contains a Marmot COL EQ sleeping bag with Gossamer Micro N-130 WR lining, a Mountain Hardware Alcove GT tent, a MSR XGK EX stove, and a kerosene lamp, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“XL -
Please refer to the fourth post. Please.”

“I know many a ruralsexual that wouldn't be caught within 500 yards of a redneck...”

“If you drink Evian from dixie cups.”

“If you have to memorize the three numbers of a combination lock in order to enter your gated community, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If your landscape architect draws the line at pink flamingos, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If your 51' Outerlimits GTX Offshore Sport Yacht is powered by a 1975 model 40 hp Johnson Seahorse, you might be a ruralsexual...”

“If you burn gourmet firewood in your woodstove to heat your house.”

“If you are a boy ferrat terrierist and get boy pokkypoos humpys you prolly are a rewelseksel...”

“Then I shall disagree.....I know quite a few rednecks who would be quite at home with high technology (alot of my good ol'e boys and girls use GPS's) and you would be toting an asskeekin if you were to mention they didn't know about fishing rods.

LOL, as a friend of mine said to a snooty "know it all" attorney in court (right after he shot the attorney's theory down with scientific proof)"Ya know just cause when you firt met me (two years ago), I was wearin old boots and bib overalls don't mean I am an idiot." I coulda told ya then or waited till you overloaded your ass in court..I chose the latter."”

“If your outhouse is a mulching unit............with photo-voltaic LEDs so's you can read your fishin' magazines.

In the case of Lumberzac, his would have a heated seat powered by same.”

“But your buddy would willingly admit to being a redneck, no?

A ruralsexual is redneck to the marrow, but would NEVER admit to it. They are of society's "uppercrust" - usually as a result of a sudden financial windfall, ie, coal discovered on their property, family property sold to developers, etc...

They wear their riches on their sleeve, yet their "red" slip is always showing...

I know an old timer in Fayette County, GA that "leased" his granite-y property to Florida Rock. He received &.50 per truckload of rock that rolled through the quarry gate onto Hwy 74. That was 30 years ago, and the trucks roll-out 24/7 to this day. His family is likely getting more than &.50 so's I would suspect.

My former landlord recently sold 100 acres of his Henry County property to a developer. At $10K per acre, that would be a cool mil. I'm sure he got much more than that, tho. He still owns most of his original tract, which includes a half-dozen rental homes he bought cheap and moved himself as a result of ATL airport expansion...”

“BTW -
My former landlord and lady are industrious, hard working, and... umm... "frugal" (to put it nicely). Awrite, their so tight they squeak.
"I bet Reynold still has his first dollar" one of the neighbors told me.

But I say "kudos" to them. They've built quite an empire for themselves. Salt of the earth, they are...”

““If your outhouse is a mulching unit............with photo-voltaic LEDs so's you can read your fishin' magazines.

In the case of Lumberzac, his would have a heated seat powered by same.”
MarkO
3:23:11 PM
12/26/06

Actually we got ride of the LEDs when we installed the flat screen LCD TV. Who needs fishing magazines when you can watch the Bassmaster tour on OLN?”

“Sheesh...
I coulda swore the "&" looked like a "$".
/o:”

“Yepper...
y'all gettin the gist!”