dad goes to a nursing home tomorrow

“i truly hope you never have to make this decision for a loved one. my dad has dementia and has grown increasingly harder to handle. he is extremely verbally abusive to my mother and threatens her constantly. we removed the unloaded gun this week, because she has become frighten on him. he stays in bed most of the time and does alot of yelling and screaming. we are telling him he is going to a small hospital for physical therapy.

he falls and we have to call the paramedics to get him back in bed. he was swinging his fist and hitting them, as he does with my brother and my mom. although he has never hit my mom. we hired a caregiver and he has been great, i don't know what we would of done without henry this last month.

i never heard my dad raise his voice, not once. this is a very difficult disease to deal with. he is lucid one moment and out of it the next. not sure how he is going to do. this is not an easy time of life.”

“My symphays(sp) my grandmother went through this it was very hard on everyone, just know that you are doing what needs to be done for the sake of your mother.”

“In my experience very often a facility for dementia has a beneficial effect on the patient as well as the family. The staff at a facility are usually skilled in the care and treatment of dementia patients. Unlike family, who see the loss and destruction of a person they have loved, the staff are equipped to deal with the illness as it presents itself.

Sometimes the combativeness of the patient is reduced by a change in surroundings and the reduction of the tension inevitable in the family home. The environment can be designed to provide both freedom and safety for the patient so they can be more active than they would be at home.

Stress in the environment can have a very profound effect on dementia sufferers. It is impossible for the family to not show the stress it is under as the illness progresses and takes its toll.

Often the facilities understand and are equipped to deal with the behaviors of dementia victims in a way a family home can never be. I have seen items that are placed there to be taken apart safely by the patients. Dementia suffers, particularly men, seem to love taking things apart. It can be totally disruptive to a family home, but a facility that understands the behavior, it is allowed and safe. Disrobing inappropriately is often a facit of dementia. In a home or residential neighborhood that can be very disruptive. In a facility, it is no big deal and handled by the staff.


This is all to say you may indeed be making the best decision for everyone, including your father. It would not surprise me if he adjusts very well, settles down and the family begins to live again.”

“cyndeee - I hope it goes well for everyone.”

“cyndee, my thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. i do understand, we went through this with my husband's dad. you are making the best decision for your family that you can make right now, don't let ANYONE tell you different. i'm sure it won't be long before i will be doing this with my own mom.”

“It's a very tough disease and many people don't understand what the family goes through. It must be awful for you and your mom. I hope everything goes better with him in a structured setting.”

“Cyndee, What a tough decision! My heart goes out to you and your family.”

“wow...that is a tough decision. The hardest pasrt with something like this is when Dad has "lucid moments" and you will second-guess yourself...
just remember that you have made the right decision here.
I wish you and your family the best, Cyndee.

(btw, in my medic work, I have been subjected to countless hits from dementia patients living at home...it can be a dangerous situation when a patient reaches that point and is still at home with the family.)

Again, you have made the right decision here. Good luck...”

“cyndeee, I never know what to say about things like this except I'm so very sorry y'all have to go through this.

My favorite Uncle had this. It was so very hard on everyone that loved him.”

“What Amy said, but I feel for you, Cyndee.

I was pretty much raised by my grandparents and I adored them. I never would have been able to finish university if they hadn't taken me in at one point.

My gandmother developped dementia early and my mother worked hard to help them. When I got my teaching job, I found an apartment for them near us in a facility for the elderly, but my grandfather had a series of strokes trying to control her.

I moved and I found a place near us again. My grandfather was then in the veterans' hospital where he eventually died.

She eventually went in to the long term facility just behind our house.

The hardest part where the times she thought I was her husband and she would plead, 'Douglas (my name too), please take me home.'

Gotta stop there are other people in the office.

Hang in there, Cyndee.”

“WOW..Cyndee....I like Amy have had my share of these type of incidents. My Great Aunt luckily stayed drunk enough that she was more or less zombied until she hit 103. I had another Greataunt (when I was a teenager) who went through the violence stage and I see it alot. The only way I deal with it is I keep telling myself that is not the PERSON I knew in there now...It is sad. I will pray for you”

“:-( I am very sorry to hear about this :-( It will help you all though, emotionally with him getting the help. My grandfather lived with us for many years, in another mental state, and you don't realize till later how much it takes out of you emotionally :-(”

“This was two years ago and I still volunteer there now. As an Activities person I would engage the residents in familiar activities and learned how to distract and redirect violent tendencies before they escalated. It's a tough call, but you are doing the right thing.”

“well it did go a bit easier than we thought. i'll be headed there in about an hour to spend some time with him. he looked so lost and i had a hard time looking him in the eyes. but this was the right decision. early friday morning he got mad with my mom and came at her and screamed he was going to kill her. she yelled for my brother and he yelled at my dad to settle down. but it really freaked my mom out and for the first time was scared of my dad.

my brother and i had a conversation on the way to the home that we couldn't remember a time when we were growing up that dad ever raised his voice. what a change he has gone through.

i can understand why couples do the murder-suicide thing, i'm glad it never came to that.

i also had some bad news on the knees yesterday, will post on the injuried reserve thread.”

“aw cyndee :(

Im sorry for what you are going through right now.

When I lived with my grandparents, they were taking care of my great grandmother who got dementia when I was in my tweens. She wasnt the violent type but she never knew where she was or who we were anymore. She was always wanting to go home but never tried to run off, but would sit and wait for a taxi that never came. It was hard because I had really loved her had looked up to her, but she had to ask all the time who I was.”

“A very tough decision to make. I've worked in long term care for over ten years, and have seen a lot of things. Stay very involved in your fathers care. Educate yourself on your rights as a family member and your fathers rights as a resident. Not to scare you, most places are very good, but a person who's family is always there recieves the best care. I've seen it.”