Marriage is NOT for Sissies!!!

“You'd have to be awfully perverted...”

“Hi, sass, welcome to Trailtalk ;)

(just kidding, but there was a time before the new, semi-moral bearmagnet when he would have made that connection, along with many others :) )”

“Hobbit, I'm guilty of what you descrie. It worked for me, but that doesn't mean it would work for others. Peace to all...temporarily at least:)”

“(just kidding, but there was a time before the new, semi-moral bearmagnet when he would have made that connection, along with many others :) )”
hyway
8:34:05 AM
3/09/07

Well I'm flattered but I must disagree with you, again. :D

On the 18, HS, and outta the house - it shocked me, at the time, what a difference it made on my Mom. A single Mother, who owns her house but is raising 4 boys (same age group) on a crappy salary struggles daily.

She is not struggling at all now and will retire soon with no worries. I'm a little surprised she survived us.

:D”

“bear, I was referring to you calling me a pervert, not you lusting for under 18 girls.”

“it seems to always come back to lust somehow, no matter what thread we are on, LOL!”

“Some people have no problems in just taking the cut and run approach.

Others try their hardest to work things out.

But my casual observation is that unless both are going to work on it, it aint going to work.”

“bear, I was referring to you calling me a pervert, not you lusting for under 18 girls.”
hyway
1:10:56 PM
3/09/07

I know.”

“but that's not saying you don't:)”

““it seems to always come back to lust somehow, no matter what thread we are on, LOL!”
Pamela
2:00:15 PM
3/09/07

Pam, Pam, Pam......Dang Newbie!

Most all TT threads eventually degrade into boobs and beer. ;-)”

“I beleive in the santity of marriage no mattter how ugly and disgusting it gets

- Frank Burns”

“I've been following this thread and my heart goes out to anyone who is struggling in their marriage. I have been happily married for 33 years so you would think I would have some sage advice...but I don't.

My wife and I have both separate interests and common interests and we encourage each other to do things we enjoy. I think that helps.

Hyway - We are a couple of years ahead of you. Our three oldest are out of the house and our 20 year old Down Syndrome daughter is still here. She can never live alone. Not sure yet what will happen when she is 22 and no longer is the public school system. My wife and I don't totally agree what we should do after that.”

“Phil, last year I met a family on the ferry. The girl was 20 and had downs. She had just graduated from high school and was voted as the home coming queen. I can only imagine what a cool school that had to have been. But what was really cool was that she was going to start college in the fall in the life studies program. She was much more high functioning than my son, but it was still a great story.

People like to take potshots at the public school system, but it is a godsend for people with handicapped children. Of course you have to be diligent to make sure the system is giving you what you need, but we have been mostly happy with it so far.”

“Phil, does CA have extension programs for people with downs and the like? Our public schools allow you to remain in the "center programs" till age 26. We have a magnet school in our town that receives student from 12 or so communities. It has a really great mock up of an apt and has great life studies program and job placement if possible.”

“My (ex)wife was great when we first got married......but by the time we got to the reception.....”

“hyway - We are extremely fortunate to live in one of the best public school districts in So. Cal. for special ed. Our daughter, Debi, has been on regular campuses all along and was mainstreamed for 4th and half of 5th grade. She is half-way though one of the adult transition programs. In our opinion, she developed more in one year of the transition program than in all the years of high school.

In our experience over the past 20 years, we have observed that having a child with special needs either brings a couple closer together, or drives them apart. In our case it strengthened us and our family.

birch -Thanks. In CA the public schools are responsible until age 22. Then the Regional Center takes over. We have lots of options available, the challenge is to pick the right one and hope the waiting list is not a problem.

My wife thinks Debi should be prepared to live in an assisted living environment in case something were to happen to us. She also doesn't want Debi to be a burden on her siblings. I, on the other hand, would feel like my heart was ripped out if Debi were to leave my home. I also think Debi would not be as happy living elsewhere. The oldest sister has come to us on her own and said she would take care of Debi if something ever happened to us.

Here is my favorite picture of Debi with her older sisters. My son took the picture.


last edited: 3/10/07 12:25:32 PM”

“Phil you have a great looking family :) they seem very happy :)”

“Here's Jason ready to go hiking again.



Note, tents make great prisons for special needs kids so dad can set up camp and/or cook.


http://outdoors.webshots.com/album/351450705RbEWCY
last edited: 3/10/07 1:35:20 PM”

“SC - Thanks! The daughter on the left is getting married in 5 weeks. Daughter on the right is maid-of-honor. They are having the bachelorette party as I write this.

hyway - LOL! My daughter loves to hang out in the tent.”

“Phil and hyway - there is a program about 10 minutes from me called rainbowomega (google it). It was started by a father in your exact situations. What happens when we age and die and our child winds up institutionalized. He spoke at our local Kiwanis club. Basically, it's a home for adults but not necessarily assisted living in case that's needed. They work and earn money. There is a Honda plant about 10 minutes from the home and Honda has even contracted them to build the owners manual packets. Very interesting to hear him speak about his passion which is to make sure that adult children always have a safe, happy home.

PS, not suggesting you send your kids to Alabama, obviously, just making you aware of a type of program. You're probably already aware, but hearing him speak really made an impression on me. I like the imagery in the name as well. The pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow, correct?

http://rainbowomega.org/
last edited: 3/11/07 9:20:20 AM”

“Great idea, dayhiker. I'll check it out. If I end up doing such a horrible job as a parent that his sisters won't take him in when we die, he'll need some place like that. I suppose I could just leave our entire estate to him with a nice stipend going to who ever is his legal guardian :).”

“I would think about every county should have a supportive living program built into their MR/DD programs. In my county where I started out working with MRDD the person is assesed and then asked what THEY want. then the county case workers and the providers determine how best to help that person achiev their personal goals.

They help them get an apartment or house and to furnish it, help them learn to manage their own money and give them care providers for whatever assistance they may need like transportation and home skills development.

One of the guys I took care of was a very typical case. Aging parents, mid 30s, very spoiled from mom. In the 6 years I worked with him he has thrived. He has his own handi van, his own caregivers, he has done a great deal of maturing and is now looking for his own apartment instead of sharing a house with his room mate.”

“I knew I should've kept my mouth shut. Sorry to offend hyway.”

“dayhiker? You didn't offend me. I really think its a great idea for people who don't have family, or can't count on their family.

The bit about being a horrible father was actually typed for my daughter who was watching over my shoulder. I got a nerf football in the back of the head for my pursuit of humor.”

“dayhiker - Thanks for the reference...I did not take hyway's comment as him being offended at all.

There are lots of options out there, but it is nice to see the different types that are available. Plus there are lots of other issues besides finding the right environment.

We are probably going to establish conservatorship over our daughter. That would give us the right to decide which program she would go into, and not someone else. Also, we set up a "special needs trust" within our living trust so she would not lose state or federal benefits should she need them.

Lots more stuff to worry about when they become adult age than I imagined.”

“Yeah, what Nigal said. Just Friday I interviewed a woman who retired from the DAC, developmental achievement center. I did not understand the difference between it and the other county organization with initials. It was simply explained to me, DAC = work; the other = home (or residential).

Sounds like they have a good program going, with a few group homes around. As far as the "work" end, it's more a day program. As the retiring director said, people are set up with work if they want that, or if not wanting to work, get into programs like bowling and other things.

But yes, there are programs. It's neither here nor there, but I don't think it's saying a person is a bad parent or anything to partake. Heck, my neighbor who is my age and lives in a place by himself -- with caregivers who stop by and also taking part in the work program -- just want to Vegas. And he was giving me a hard time (he gives everyone a hard time. :-) LOL) The retiring director told me he kept asking her if she got money in her cards. Me thinks he's still thinking Vegas! LOL!”

“Sorry guys. I interpretted hyways reply as being sarcastic and thought maybe I'd crossed a line. I think that this topic isn't one that people can really give advice on unless they've walked in your shoes. I haven't and felt like I was already on shaky ground to post what I did. Sorry for the confusion on my part.”

“Yeah, I know DH. I'm not trying to be flip (although my neighbor has yelled at me when a guy came to visit about property, "Hey, you got another boyfriend!??!" AAACK! LOL) Residential settings, good; parents, good. Just to know there are options.”

“Yeah, marriage is hard. But aren't the things that are worth doing hard? I have found that communication is the key to any relationship, be it personal or work related. No one is psychic. I dated my husband from the time I was a junior in high school and for the next four years. We got married, almost 9 years now, bought a house, had a child, and are now just getting to where we understand each other. When disagreements occur it is always best to discuss them like adults, but sometimes we have to revert to the age of our children. When that happens and the child sees, also let that child see you make amends and "kiss and make up." Make sure to let that child know that they are not the reason for the arguement and that somethimes adults disagree. I don't think that children should be shielded from all reality, just some. If you love your husband and there has been no cheating or abuse, try to make it work. The problem now days is that everyone thinks "Aw, if this dosen't work, we will just get divorced." That is not always the solution. My husband and I have an understanding, if either one of us is unfaithful or abusive, that's it. No going back, its time to move on. That is my 2 cents on this and no, my marriage is not perfect, in fact, its probably far from it. But my husband is my best friend and if you feel the same way, then make it work. Marriage is holy and should be treated that way.

Oh, and the coolest thing that I think my husband has done for me is on our first backcountry trip, I went with my husband and two of his friends that are avid BPers. Instead of keeping up with them, he stayed with me and went my pace. It was a tough hike but having him there telling me to take my time and "no you are not holding me up" is probably what made me make it through. So, I hope that your husband is in this with you. If not, find a hobby that both of you can do. It will bring you closer.”

“Day, thanks for the information. The worst thing about this form of communication is that we cannot see the 'body language" of the other person. So we tend to read different stuff into what is written (LOL).

Sadly this is also the same in other forms of communication the old 'I know you heard what I said, but did I SAY what you heard?" somes into play.

Hyway you should be rightly proud of how you are doing. I spent a whole Saturday with a Downs boy (tag along at a Scout event) teaching him the one hand bowline.....That afternoon the OLDER kids took him along in a scout competition...all he had to do was tie a bowline...it was so cool....the other kids are doing the rabbit thing....he picks up the rope..WHIP WHIP WHIP....and holds it in front of him!.

It was cool and really nothing on the grand scheme of things.....but I earned to really admire people who do Gods' work like you do.”

“Day, thanks for the information. The worst thing about this form of communication is that we cannot see the 'body language" of the other person. So we tend to read different stuff into what is written (LOL).



Has that happened to you recently? VBG”

“whats it to you dayphucker ;)





(ps, that was a joke, please lets not start over again)”

“You know, all weekend I hummed "Sky Rockets in Flight," and still no dayphucker. A guy can hope. Oh well.”

“Boy day..thats a tough question (VBG)....refresh my memory (LOL)....

One of my backpacking associates checked out the site and lurked for a while. He really thought we were serious and was worried about hiking with a group like this. I told him the Hike I went on all we did was discuss equipment, talk about life, Smoke Fine **** National recognition deleted***** cigars and laugh a hell of a lot.

truly I can't remember any political discussions in the woods. Heck I think there is way to much fun to have to have discussions like that.....

OH Nigal...need to hook up with the bunch again...I am slowly restocking the above referenced items......”

“Well, Friday was not one of TT, or my, better days. Hope we didn't scare him off.”

“he been gone a while..shoot day if they cant take this stuff...whats gonna happen when something goes wrong out "there"?


There were people years ago who I was kinda worried bout early on...then on the FTMA hike I found them to be a bit beyond my style of wierd.”

“some days are diamonds, some days are stone.

yeah, well i think i'm sleeping on the rocks lately, LOL!”

“Rock on, sister!”

“yeah, some nights I need a few stiff drinks before bed, too.”

“Here hear”

“wouldn't it be nice if just one part of my life went well? am i asking for too freaking much?”

“somebody's getting stoned?”

“Nah, I've been clean of street drugs for 15 years as of this past 3/15! YEAH for me! And it's made such a huge difference in my life! Just ask me about it sometime.”

“dating sucks? no marriage sucks more.”

“Life's a biotch, then you marry one.”

“oh it's not that bad. if it weren't for marriage who would i send into the kitchen to make me pie?”

“piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie.....”

“I hear ya! Marriage is punishment for crimes in some countries.”

“hahahaha, I can't say anything or I'll be shot and will disapear forever.”

“THAT'S IT! i'm being punished for all my crimes; i was a very bad girl once upon a time.”