Marriage is NOT for Sissies!!!

“A wise man (Nimblefoot) once told me that God doesn't punish, but is as indifferent as the wind. We punish ourselves.”

“Marriage is about compromise. Once you master it, things work much better. However, it quite clearly takes two to make compromise work.”

“husbands suck!!! there, you made me haul out my thread!”

“LOLOLOLOL

I still say this would be a classic title for an anti-Gay Marriage rant!”

“Hee hee!”

“I need a new girl friend. The old one got old.”

“Out of warranty?”

“mmmmmmmmmmmmm could be. but it's not.

i'm just waiting for my husband to die.

if i could afford it, i'd buy him more alchohol, hell, even stronger stuff, so he could destroy his stupid cardiomyopathic heart even faster. unfortunately i can't. so he goes around raiding our pockets for spare change to feed his damnable alchoholic habit. He's stolen over $20 from us in the last 6 days.”

“Yep, high maintenance too.”

“Damn Pamela e-mail me if you want to talk.”

“bacpac, this is a MARRIAGE sucks thread. take your girlfriend talk to the dating sucks thread.”

“My new posting rule is that I only post to the top thread.”

“I love my husband, he is my soul mate and I wouldn't want to live without him :)”

“SC... this isn't the "Married People Who Think They're Dating" thread either.

< sheesh >    You know better.


And don't say anything nasty about the Inquisition....”

“holy crap Spirit i love you and all, but you are just NOT allowed in this thread!!! this thread is for the disgruntled ONLY.

Kindly leave us alone. You are like freaking salt in an open wound. I wouldn't do it to you, so don't do it to me. OUT please.”

“shes disgruntled enough. she cant even stand to be in a train car with him for 2 days”

“$20 to stay drunk for 6 days doesn't sound like high maintenance.”

“yeah, I would have to spend more than 20 to get 'em drunk enough for a one nighter. 20 for 6 days? Damn.

I'm sorry - why are you with him?”

“Love makes you do strange things. Marriage is for life.”

“Love makes you do strange things. Marriage is for life.”
Pamela
4:27:27 PM
7/22/07

i'm just waiting for my husband to die.

if i could afford it, i'd buy him more alchohol, hell, even stronger stuff, so he could destroy his stupid cardiomyopathic heart even faster.

Apparently this is a definition of love I'm unfamiliar with.

"Marriage is for life" so if you kill him or he kills you then your statement holds. This is logical to you?”

“If you continue to stay by choice, why are you whining? That's rhetorical, or might as well be.”

“You're hoping he dies. That's not life. And it certainly isn't marriage. I'd say you're living a lie....but again, you're not living.

When he "finally" dies, if it's before you, you'll curse yourself for staying. So much so that you may be unable to start living again.

You may die unhappy and that's truly tragic. All for this concept that doesn't exist.”

“I have to agree with what those guys above me just said...

If your so damned misserable why don't you cut loose and leave? Kick him to the curb? And I don't buy that 'it's for the kids' excuse either. Beacuse its worse for the kids to be in between all that day in and day out watching a horrible marrige. It isn't healthy. NOPE! I mean what really is he bringing to the table in this marrige and life of yours? Sounds like nothing but missery.”

“Wow Pam, that's some tough stuff you're talking about.

It sounds like you're staying because of your vows and because you don't want to let God down. But it also sounds like you've already left him in your heart.

I feel for ya. It's not an easy spot you're in. I also know that you were just venting with regards to your pretty harsh words above. If you weren't, maybe it would be better to leave him than to help him kill himself with drinking.”

“Pam, I highly recommend that you read the book "Love Must Be Tough."

Keep in mind that the decisions you make now regarding your relationship will likely be what your own children emulate some day.

If the situation was 30 years from now and it was your daughter (with grandchildren) who was in a bad relationship with a man like your husband, what would your advice to her be at this moment?


Lately my motto is to try to live today with the hindsight I will have tomorrow.”

“I have been married for 23 years to my best friend and while we have had some hard times and disagreed more than once, I believe that you have to be willing to work at your relationship. You also need to have a strong foundation, not just mutual admiration. Christ is our foundation. He gives the strength to keep going. Don't give up on your marriage, it's worth working for.”

“thank you Ruby”

“Work is work. If your marriage is work than you have no time off. Get a paycheck for staying married or quit!”

“This reminds me of a girl who works here on the seventh floor. Nice girl, my age. She has 4 kids...her boyfriend sned her to work with bruises on her face. Everyone knows there is abuse. She admits it even. We talk to her about it. One day I dragged her to lunch to have a heart to heart with her---I asked her why she lets him do this to her, she has so much going for her. Even his family abuses her. She told me she stays with him because she can't be happy without a man. She's not even married to him, so it would be even less of a hastle to leave. I guess my point is, if you are in that poor me kind of mind frame about your unhappy situation like she is, then i'm sure you can come up with all kinds of excusese to use to not leave and help yourself and your children, like not wanting to devorce and piss off god. That made me sick to hear. If someone is abusing you, whether they are USEING you, MENTALLY harming you, or PHYSICALLY, why would you keep that in your life? WHY would you CHOOSE to be misserable? Seriously...would 'god' want you to be in a misserable life? would he choose for you to be misserable?
There is a saying my grandparents used 'God helps those who help themselves'....
last edited: 7/22/07 4:57:15 PM”

“it's a vow thing. i've made my bed and i'm sleeping in it. what do i tell my daughter? to choose a lot more wisely than i did. what am i doing here? venting. i don't do it very often, but sometimes i do. guess it's not safe to vent here anymore. so i'll just shut my mouth then.”

“Personally, I think it's an attention thing. You know exactly where to go for help and we both know where that is.”

“whatever”

“What do you mean by "safe"?”

“Pam, you said its a vow thing...but is HE upholding his vows to you by being as you describe him to be? A marrige cannot be a one person thing...both have to be involved, otherwise it really isn't a marrige. IMO.”

“Great post Ruby.”

“"Don't do as I do, do as I say" never works. Especially on children.”

“Point to BM. The other things is that you are really teaching her to NOT take care of herself.”

“Pamela, I havent been through what you are going through but can relate to seemingly unsolvable issues. The three things that motivate mr most are my love for myself, my wife and my daughter (no particular order, varies at times). I would suggest that you find those concrete things that give you hope.

As an adult who lived through marriages that stayed together for the wrong reasons (as a child and teen). Dont write anything off. There are justifications (biblically based) for divorce abuse, and infidelity are two. You are responsible for yourself and children, you are by no means powerless here. You can decide to stay or leave. It isnt for anyone to say, but some VERY good advise has been given by many folks.”

“Pamela, as Birch said, there are Biblical justifications for divorce. God does not say to never divorce; He said it saddens him. However, just because you are a Christian does not preclude divorce.

Having said that, I am not even advocating divorce for you. Only you can make that decision. But you do have the power to be a participant or to be a victim. Sometimes I think Christian women too often stay static (victims) in a bad relationship because "it's what God wants me to do." Well, frankly that's BS.

At the moment it might appear as though you have only two options: stay or divorce. But there is another one. You can remain married, but change your response to his behavior. This might be as drastic as you moving out or kicking him out. Certainly at the very least, you would not enable him. The book I recommended gives somes really great advice. It also talks about how by changing your responsive behavior and with God's help a marriage can be transformed.

My aunt keeps this quote (or something close to it) taped to a cupboard in her kitchen where she can read it every day. I love it!

"Until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, you will never change."

This is a painful process for all involved. Look where you are today. Look back on your life and realize how quickly time passes. Is this where you want to be in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? Is this the life you want for your children? Only you have the power to be where you want to be. Find a Christian counselor to talk to. Many of them operate on a sliding scale. Or talk to your pastor or get involved with a women's study group. You are not alone. There are a lot of other women out there who have gone through this (including me).”

“I'm sorry you are going thru this, Pammy.
Vent all you want. It's healty.
last edited: 7/23/07 6:09:02 AM”

“Hugs to Pamela. I have been there, substitute other abusive behaviors (including physical) for the alcohol and I have been there. It took me ten years to come to grips with the decision to leave. I wrestled with the same issues--vows, a belief that marriage is supposed to be forever, and most agonizing of all, what is the best example for the kids?

So I have been there.

One thing I did right was to make absolutely sure I did everything I could to heal the marriage, save the marriage. I didn't want to leave and then have guilt or remorse or second thoughts.

Just rambling now. But keep talking, Pamela, not just here. Make sure you aren't going through this alone.

And keep an open mind and an open heart.”

“Pammie....I am so sorry, as you know I understand your pain.

I am dealing with a close friend in an emotionally abusive relationship. I wonder sometime why they stay. But we each walk the road we must walk.

Fritz is wisely correct, and I think the wisest person I know went through a 25 year HELL for "The Children". When he finally left he made the decision, went to an attorney, and then took the kids (at that point grown and on their own) to apologize for what he was going to do.

His daughter looked at him when he told them and said,"We were wondering when you would grow a pair and leave."

Pam, I know a bit about your own personal hell. It is horrible to watch another person use "escape mechanisims" (can be drugs, alchohol, excessive risk taking etc) to avoid dealing with the pain that often is life.

And as much as I love a person I cannot make them get well. That I think is the true curse of humanity. I Cannot save another person who does not want to be saved.

All I can do for you is say,"I will be here, and as long as I am here you will
1. Always be loved
2. Always Matter
3. Only have to be alone as you want to be."

Thanks for what you have done for me. Believe it or not your e-mails from CAL have done me a world of good in my life.”

“Thank you Birch, Ruby, Stove, Fritz and XL. I was pretty close to writing this place off. I'm not an attention whore, I just got started when the dating sucks thread got going with my own venting. I suppose I could go to one of those 12 step groups but I prefer not to whine in person once a week with 20 other women. I've done 12 steppers to get clean and it worked, it had it's place then. Steve's not a bad guy, he's just got this one problem where he is self destructing and it is hard to watch. He doesn't realize he is hurting us because he is in so much pain himself. How many of us have been in pain and not realized the pain we were putting others through?”

“Pam,

Good, don't write us all off. If you ever need to talk, call me. I kinda know what you are going through because I have had friends self-destruct. I had a close friend end his life because he thought there was no other was out. He stopped listening to me, then started listening to the inner demons.

Email me at:
backpakn2@sbcglobal.net

we can exchange numbers or just emails if you want.”

“Pammie...you know where I am...email if you need to talk.

And I can tell you some of the 12 step groups deal in looking at life positively not from a whiner perspective.”

“TT still rocks!”

“thank you guys and gals. officedepot_pamela@yahoo.com i can't write any letters right now from work, but later tonight at home when i rastle the puter from my son.”

“* I apologize for what I'm about to post *

Have you ever wondered why Stew (MDSHiker) doesn't discuss personal problems and issues on TT?

From time to time, my wifey does a search on my trail name to see what she can find. The search always leads her to TT. Therefore, I don't discuss a lot of things here with you folks although I consider many of you to be good friends.

Just throwing that out there at ya...”

“UM...bummer dude”

“that sucks. my husbands near puter illiterate. and if he wasn't, well then, it would be stuff he's heard already.”