TT Jokes

“New idea to get rid of some of the tension (haha, yeh right, but whatever)
This thread is for posting jokes only preferrably clean and about the outdoors.”

“getting rid of tension huh


closes door


"fap fap fap fap fap fap"”

“Knock knock.”

“who's there?”

“For the last time, turn that crap down!”

“getting rid of tension huh


closes door


"fap fap fap fap fap fap"”
Hog On Ice

Knock knock.”
Sarge


uhhh I wouldn't go in there if I were you.”

“³ªÀÇ ¸Ó¸®¸¦, ¸éµµÇϽʽÿÀ”

“wth?”

“A TT poster was backpacking across the Appalachian Trail, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the local hillbillies, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual.

"Ya see that fence out there?" The old man asked the backpacker. "I built that fence with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!"

"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the church builder? No!"

And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No!"

"But ya screw one goat..."”

“crash - that looks like gibberish.”

“Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bulls**t with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!!!!”

“---FID--- I'm done with this place at least until I'm done with school I hate you all well not all, all but a lot of you. not to you prosecutor because that is really funny, seeya. +peace
last edited: 12/14/07 6:59:50 PM”

“



"Cut it out, Larry!"

”

“FID? I must be showing my age....”

“Is that like fuddy-duddy?”

“I looked it up.

He's either referring to a cone shaped tool made out of bone, or a flame ionization detector. .... wonder which one it is ....”

“What sort of brain damage results in kids not being able to spell the word 'owned'?

It's sad to watch the 30-somethings trying to act cool by imitating them.”

“....or a federal tax id #”

“I had to ask my son about the word pwnt. He seemed to have the story behind it. It was one of those viral things. I guess, according to my son, it was a typo during an online game of some sort that just kind of took off.”

“what up wit dat Tilt?”

“true dat”

“A backpacker is walkng up to the shelter when he sees another backpacker, CrazyMike with a rod and reel fishing in the privy. He walks over and asks "what in the world are you doing in there"? He says "I dropped my jacket in and I'm tryin to get it out".

The first backpacker looks in at the jacket and says "You're not acually gonna wear that are you"? CrazyMike shakes his head in disbelief at such a ridicules question and replies "Heck No! There is a Snickers in the pocket"!”

“There were these two TT guys out backpacking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."”

“Two male hikers were undressing in the shelter. One noticed the other was wearing panty hose.

“Why are you wearing those?!”
“Because they keep my legs warm.”
“Wow, I never would have thought of that. How long have you been using them?”
“Since my wife found them in my backpack.””

“Now that's funny!!!!!!! hehe”

“Sheesh that goes back to Joe Namath....

Well there goes a clue to my age... :?P


Incidentally... it is true... they do provide some warmth.
last edited: 12/14/07 8:36:19 PM”

“Two TTers sign up for a trip on the trip pages for a week in the mountains in Montana. After three days, they want to kill each other.

So, Bob says, "Why don't we split up for the day. You go up to the north and I'll go down to the south." Al agrees it's a good idea to split up.

After the day is over they meet back at the campfire to discuss the days events. Al goes first. "I had a beautiful day, Bob. I walked to the to top of the hill, found a pond and decided to sunbath there for the day. I saw a deer and it's baby drink out of the pond, a bear and it's cub playing in the grass. It was beautiful. How was your day?"

"Well, AL, it was sort of the same. I walked down to the bottom of the mountain and followed these train tracks when all of a sudden I found a gorgeous woman tied to the tracks. I untied her, gently picked her up and we made passionate love all day long."

All excited now, Al asks "Was she a Blonde?"

"I don't know.....I couldn't find her head!!!"”

“oh man! prosecutor!”

“Well known Prosecutor from Chicago goes down to southern Illinois to do some duck hunting. While in the woods, he spots an airborn duck, takes aim, fires, and watches as the duck falls into the cowfield of a nearby farm.

Meanwhile, there's an old farmer named Tilt on a tractor taking a bale of hay to the cows. He sees the duck fall, stops his tractor, and mosey's over to the dead duck. As he's standing over the duck, he looks off into the distance and sees Prosecutor crawl through the barbed wire fence and start walking toward him.

Hey there old timer, I'm here to get my duck, says Prosecutor.

Duck? Yee-uns ain't got no duck over here replies Tilt.

Sir, I shot a duck as it was flying, and it fell. It's rightfully my duck. says Prosecutor.

Yee-uns might've shot the duck, but it landed here, so it's mine. said Tilt, the farmer.

Do you know who I am? I'm Prosecutor, the world's smartest lawyer from Chicago. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you and have your whole farm. said the lawyer.

Chuckling, the old man said Boy, we-unses don't handle small things such as this in court. We-unses use the 3-kick rule. Yee-uns ever heered of that?

Can't say as I have. answered the lawyer.

Well, here's what we-uns do. We-uns kick each other 3 times till one of us gives up. Since the offense happened on my land, I get to go first. And we-uns keep going back and forth till one of us gives in. explained the farmer.

Sizing the old guy up, the lawyer figured that he had him. After all, the old farmer is scrawny, weak and looked aged, he appeared to be feeble. How hard could he kick?

Ok old man, you're on. said the lawyer.

The old man walked over and planted the toe of his cowboy boots directly into the attorney's gonads, sending him to his knees. The second kick found its' way to his stomach, causing him to regurgitate his homemade energy bars. Walking behind the attorney, the farmer's third, and final, kick sent the attorney face first into a fresh cowpile.

Getting to his feet, wiping dung from his eyes, the attorney said Ok, you old fart, now it's your turn.

Oh no sir, I give up. said the old farmer...
last edited: 12/14/07 8:43:27 PM”

“Groan.........”

“This backpacker, Simer190, and his dog Forest stopped by a crowded shelter after a long day of hiking. The other backpackers were watching Simer190's dog lick it's private parts. Finally, one hiker said, "Gee, I wish I could do that." Simer190 replied, "If you ask him, maybe he'll let you."”

“Drinking a Non-Alchoholic Beer is like going down on your cousin....it may Taste pretty good but ITS just NOT RIGHT>”

“oh, that's gross”

“that is sick
last edited: 2/14/08 6:51:54 AM”

“Thank you very little.”

“excellent, xl. you made the troll sick”

“Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

‘Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.’

‘Great’, says Tom, ‘After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.’

As Lars is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you, gonna be some drinkin.’

‘Not a problem,’ says Tom. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.’

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.’

‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there. Thanks again.’

‘More ‘n likely gonna be some wild sex, too.’

‘Now that’s really not a problem,’ says Tom, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there.’

‘By the way, what should I wear?’

‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’”

“heheh....”

“How to Go to Heaven
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and
kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

She continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

Just then Little Johnny shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE #&%!$IN' DEAD!"”