Dildo Find Trip Report

“I attended a 2 p.m. memorial service yesterday, then scrapped my plans for the rest of the day. Instead, I decided to make an attempt to bring my arrowhead and dildo-finding drought to an end.

My first stop was at a couple hundred-acre cutover. I had found a point or two there in the past - but never a dildo. It was also close by the church. After getting parked atop a hill, I changed into shorts and boots as I sipped on a 22 oz. beer. I packed a tee shirt, Nalgene o'aqua, wallet, keys, cigs, etc. into a daypack, grabbed my coyote stick, and hit the rutty trail; which in this case was one of the logging roads.

There was a pair of car tracks which favored one over the other where they crisscrossed. That, and numerous deer tracks on top of both pair suggested that whoever last came in had already gone out, and it was probably a couple days prior. There were no visible pecker tracks, tho.

The cutover is now a grownover. The area is treeless, but covered heavily with blackberry, polk salad, small pines, and various sundry weeds... and a dildo. Therefore, my search was restricted to the roadways.

My first find were three corrogated boxes full of dishes. They had been recently dumped based on their pristeney condition. There was also an abundance of scattered pieces of vinyl siding, some old windows, and - of course - a television. Paint cans, clothes, and tires made a respectably strong appearance... as always. But not yet the dildo.

The gullies of the roadbed were thick with rocks, as were the shoulders. I found numerous flakes of quartz, chert, and flint, as well as a dildo - but no points.

I walked a mile-or-so loop back to the truck. Whatever arrowheads lie there were unseen by me. I left them all - probably hundreds - behind, as well as a generously proportioned, black, veiny, rubbery Swedish Erotica - which I placed in the middle of the road, wedged suggestively in a small rut.”

“So do you think the dildo was left by paleoIndians, or by one of the more recent tribes?”

“LOL
Thank you for the good laugh today, gojo!”

“It was left by the last of the Blowhicans”

“And here the whole time, I though the Europeans were using beads for trading.”

“Bone beads?”

“I suspect the device was used to poke a hontas.”

“No wonder chief redstick's popularity waned.”

“Perhaps it belonged to Sack-in-there-widja.”

“Maybe it was related to Custer's Last Stand?”

“What? Gojo is writing the worst porn ever? What happened to nice stories about Sarabelle?”

“i just figured out what the topic of this thread was... i was going to post a gag thread and then i realized it said what i was going to post. lol... eyes getting old”

“I did some research. There was once a vagitarian tribe in these parts that had migrated down from Vaginia.”

“*snort*”

“The land was not posted. Nevertheless, was my being there in violation of penile codes?”

“You're just lucky a Ranger named BOB didn't come along.”

“Finally ended my arrowhead drought - majorly! The mutts and I did a dayhike @ Cubihatcha Trail last week. We entered via a powerline right-of-way. The quartz was so thick it was like walking on a thickly-quartzed floor thing or whatever. Just before reaching the trail, I spied a roadway that had recently (year or so) been cut through the woods. I took it. Within an hour, I had pocked two good points, a knife, and two scrapers - all fully intact. I also found several sundry peices. All were pure white quartz.

I later found two pieces on two different walkabouts here in town - sewer lines. They're both white quartz, too.”

“What tribes of Native Americans were in your area, Joe?”

“Creek, most recently. The area was also inhabited during the Woodland and Missippian periods, too.”

“Sometimes I think there's people out there who make arrowheads and such, leaving them around for people to find. ;)”

“They must do alot of it, cuz them pups are everywhere!”

“Post some pics of your finds.”

“Wait, where's the quartz dildo?”

“You can find those at "The Red Door."”

“once on a winter trip to Baxter, some balls popped out of the snow...course, we had to take them with us for entertainment purposes. :)”

“Balls? In the snow? Wowser!
Mine would be more akin to BB's - in the snow, that is (not to be confused with a warm Jacuzzi). They'd look like two warts on me arse, they would.”