The Report

“CHAPTER I

Call me Radagast.

I came home from work on Friday and repacked my gear into Jen?s bag. She was going to loan it to me for the weekend. She threw a steak on the grill while I ran around, making sure I got everything. I was pissed off because my Snow Peak Titanium pot and pan set did not come that day, like they said it would.

The steak was perfect. It was just warm enough to taste like it was just killed. I drank a big glass of iced tea and went to go take a quick shower. She walked outside to pick up a piece of paper in the yard. As I was about to get in the shower, she came back in and handed me a box. It was a UPS express box. It was my titanium pot and pan.

I quickly unpacked some gear, replaced the steel cup with the titanium pot and jumped in the shower. I was all set. I got my gear and her pack was a great fit.

After my shower, I put on my new REI MTS top and bottom. They felt great and were extremely warm. I hit the road. Luckily, the highway was pretty clear, so I hauled ass.

I pulled into the Walasi-Yi Inn parking lot at 8:30. Walkindude awoke from his chilly slumber and we discussed doubling our distance on the trail. Instead of Woody Gap to Neels Gap, we would hike from Hogpen Gap to Woody gap. That would give us a more strenuous Saturday and an easier Sunday. That would be just over 17 miles.

Originally, I was going to let him park at Woody Gap, but there has been vandalism there, so I decided that I would pay for the permit and park Jen?s car there. I hopped in WD?s truck and we headed to Hogpen Gap, where I have shuttled to a few times before.


CHAPTER II

As we started the hike up Wildcat Mountain, I turned on my new little Petzl Tikka. It was extremely bright and easy to hike by. Wildcat was covered with snow and ice, but we made it to the top and turned off on the Whitley Gap Shelter trail. It?s more than a mile to the shelter, and it was about 10:00, so we just picked an open area that we could set up camp and have a nice view in the morning. The view was fantastic that night, too. The clear sky let the full moon light up the valley for us. The only problem was the wind.

WD could not set up his tarp. He laid it on the ground and threw his pack on it, to hold it down. He hopped in his bag, laid on the other end and rolled himself up like a burrito.

My bivy tent requires 9 stakes. Rocky frozen ground presented a bit of a problem. I put the foot tie-out around a stump and looped some cord around two trees for the head. It stood! The wind was quite strong though, so I put one stake at the head and one at the foot. A two-hoop tent with only two stakes?!? It stayed strong all night.

I woke up early that morning to look out and see one frozen, dead-looking Walkindude. I thought, ?Damn! That motherfucker had better not be dead. It?s too damned cold to be dragging his riga mortised ass down this mountain!? So I went to go take a piss and enjoy the view of where we would be hiking these next couple of days. I came back and he woke up.

We started cooking. WD?s thermometer told us that it was about 25 degrees out. I put on my new moonstone Gore-Tex jacket and was very comfortable. My little Snow Peak boiled up some water that I put in a Nalgene bottle to warm my feet with. As I dug out three bags of oatmeal, I realized that I forgot my spoon, so I made thin oatmeal and drank it.

On the last trip with WD, he used a small Tupperware container, with a lid, to eat out of. This would keep his pot clean. I tried the same setup on this trip and it was great. I?d just put the lid back on and clean it whenever I got the chance.

As we were packing our bags, a father and daughter came down from the shelter and chatted for a moment before they headed out to Hogpen Gap. We headed out the opposite way.

We met three nice Boy Scouts, who were out with their dads, at Tesnatee Gap. They were headed towards Neels Gap, but were not going all the way there.

The day was clear and beautiful. The smooth, open, rocky face of Cowrock Mountain gave us another wonderful view of what the trip would bring. We sat and snacked.

There was a lot of snowy, icy uphills and we joked around about ?bagging this peak, eh!?

There was a lot of snowy, icy downhills and we joked around about ?bagging that peak, eh!?

We made very good time and cruised into the Walasi-Yi Inn, at Neels Gap. I bought a Cherry Coke and a lexan spoon. WD bought more fuel and some patches and stickers. The owner of the store told us to keep an eye out for Chip. He said that Chip was supposed to be south of the gap, heading towards Springer.

Outside, WD and I enjoyed our drinks and took in the view of the mountains? and all of the fine women. There was a veritable plethora of fine babes cruising around there.

I love the smell of a young woman?s perfume, especially after walking behind WD?s skanky ass all day. I went in and bought us a couple more drinks, we filled our water bottles and started the hike towards Blood Mountain.


CHAPTER III

Everyone warned us about the mud and ice. As we walked up the trail, I saw tracks, like those of an ATC. I knew it couldn?t be, so I thought that it was a construction cart or a trail measurer. Later, we found out that it was a SAR meat cart. Someone had broken their leg up on the mountain. We realized that it would not be a hard thing to do. The whole trail was made of mud, snow, rock, and ice. WD forgot his gaiters. Well, I was damned glad to have mine. It was the first time I had used them.

We sped up the mountain without even slipping. I checked out all of my favorite little tent spots and most of them were under a foot of snow. I saw one spot that was clear. It was just big enough for my bivy and open to the southern view off the mountain. WD wanted to stay in the shelter. I would rather have the company, so we both set up in the Mouse House, Rodent Ranch, Rat Shack, or whatever you want to call it.

We call it the asylum.

As we started cooking dinner, a man hopped in and shouted, ?Do you mind if I stay here?? Of course we didn?t care. We thought he was German or something because he didn?t speak well. I thought that would be good because maybe we could have a quiet cabin if he didn?t speak much English.

I was wrong. He said that he was going to use the outhouse and when he came back, we would swap biographies. Well, I had left my biography at home, so WD and I were at a loss. We started eating when he came back. He is a technophobe, so he has no stove or light. He pulled out two boxes of cookies and started eating.

?So, what are your credentials??, he demanded.

WD asked him what the hell he meant.

I went outside to finish eating because this guy was going to make me sick. I had my ramen bowl in one hand and my titanium pot in the other. I tried to step up on an icy rock and slipped. My knee slammed into the edge of the rock like I was trying to take off my kneecap like a bottle cap. The cup hit the ice and hot water splashed all over me. I was ready to go back inside after a few minutes of silent cursing.

He asked what we did, why we did it, where we went to school, and who were we related to. What was our purpose? How do we change reality? How do we make art?

So, we talked about art, and windows, and caves, and trails. We talked for hours, until we had him calmed down and relaxed. Later, another man came into the shelter. He was an amateur photographer. He wanted to do a long exposure picture of the shelter, as he ?painted? it with a flashlight. He explained what he wanted to do and we all said that it was fine, we were just talking. Chip was really excited that he had met us and told us many confusing stories. It was quite entertaining.

A while later, he came back in and WD started discussing caving, cave rescue, and cave photography with him. He showed us a slide that he had taken of the shelter a few months earlier. They chatted for about a half an hour, until Chip demanded that the photographer name his credentials.

The man was very mild mannered and kind. He explained that he was a personal injury attorney in Atlanta and that he was in a photography club.

Well, that wasn?t good enough for Chip. Chip thought that this man was worthless. He had no credentials. The man had won photography competitions and has had photos published. One was on the cover of an Atlanta magazine.

Well, Chip is related to a long line of senators. The people at Neels Gap sent all of us there to spy on him because we are moles for the Rhode Island Mafia. WHY THE HELL WAS THIS ATTORNEY UP HERE???? Chip hasn?t had a driver?s license in TWENTY YEARS???? This man is an ATTORNEY, NOT a HIKER. Chip is going to follow the man and give his tag number to the FBI!!!! He was going to yell at this photographer until he left, so the man left.

I thought about the photographer and how his career as an attorney taught him that there are valuable things in your life and that it is best to remove yourself from situations that can take those things from you. I thought about Jen and I though back to the way I used to be. I felt the old urge to start shit with Chip, just so we could kick his ass. I knew that I wasn?t like that anymore. I laid there for a while, listening to the MousePrix 500. I had to shake one of the little bastards out of my gaiters while the rest planned an assault on our packs. I waited until Chip went to sleep at about 10:00, told WD that I was leaving, and I set out, hoping that he was awake enough to understand and that he would be able to find me in the morning.

I was mad that we were distracted by Chip. I normally like to spend the whole evening looking out over the dark valley. The moonlight, the mist, and the lights of the little towns make up a beautiful scene.

I set up my bivy in the little open place, secluded from the rest of the mountain. I had clean long underwear in my bag and I knew that they would feel great after I cleaned my knee. I stripped down, wiped my knee, and looked out over the moonlit valley. it was so peaceful and? warm.

I washed my hands in the snow and slowly got dressed. I slipped into my peaceful little abode and slept soundly. No mice, no Chip, no one?.


CHAPTER IV

I woke up to a wonderful view. It was going to be a warmer day! I packed up my gear and headed to the main peak. WD was coming up the other side the same time as me and we met on top.

I thought about how lucky I was to have a hiking partner who has the same general pace, rituals, and timing as me.

WD had a wild look in his eyes. ?What a nut!? were his first words to me.

We took pictures and headed down the mountain. WD had a slide that the photographer had left in the shelter. It was fantastic. I wish we could have found him again to give it back.

We stopped at Slaughter Gap for water. I cooked and ate some cheese grits before we started towards Jarrard Gap. It was a wonderfully warm day, and we met back up with a man that stayed up on Blood Mountain, too. We traveled along, uneventfully. My knee was sore, when I thought about it, so I didn?t do that too much.

Before we knew it, we were at Big Cedar Mountain, with a wonderful view to the east. We chatted with a German family and took pictures. Then, we headed out for the one and a half mile walk to the car. The man that we met a few times along the way, offered me a beer when we got to the cars, but I really wanted chocolate milk, so I kindly refused.

WD and I talked with him for a while, then we got in the car and left.


CHAPTER V

I picked up a couple of Yoo-Hoos at the store on the way to WD?s truck. Mmm! Chocolate heaven!

We pulled into the Hogpen Gap parking lot and I stopped before I ran over some glass. WD shouted, ?OH, SHIT!?

I told him that I didn?t hit the glass and that his tires were fine, too.

He shouted again, jumped out of the car and ran over to the broken window on his truck.

I had not seen it until I got out. A man came over with a cell phone and said that a few had been broken into, it was on the news and all. So, WD called the police, who had been there. They sent out a deputy. He was extremely nice. He stuttered quite a bit, but he was a big fellow, so I thought I should probably not notice it.

WD had to explain to the officer that his tapes, tools, and a radar detector were stolen. The deputy had the sheriff on the radio, and the sheriff said that since WD didn?t have his radar detector, that he?ll just have to slow his ass down! The deputy and I thought that it was a lot funnier than WD did.

The good old boys of Lumpkin County had the stolen goods and they are going to insure and mail them to WD, but they didn?t have their man, yet. They put some hound dogs and the GBI on his ass, though.

I took my duct tape and trash bag from my first aid kit, and we fixed WD?s window with it, and sent him on his merry old way.

On the way home, I stopped by the hideout of the Rhode Island mafia to take a leak.”

“Orbit is going to be pissed!!!”

“i used paragraphs, punctuation, and capitals.”

“LOL ROTFLMAO LOL LOL ROTFLMAO LOL LOL ROTFLMAO LOL LOL ROTFLMAO LOL LOL ROTFLMAO LOL LOL ROTFLMAO LOL

It was very funny. Good story”

“Who is Orbit?”

“I am pretty sure I read this story in an old 'Backpacker' magazine. I know radagast does not know that much punctuation.”

“And those minney bears. I hate them; I wish they would all DIE.”

“no, i just spent the last couple of hours on it, suffering through the shift key, just for you.”

“Rad - the response posts remind me of "Finding Forrester". The teacher wouldn't believe that the kid wrote the stuff he turned in. LOL. (I believe you. Nice trip report)”

“I ment Minnie”

“i'm sorry that it was so long. i hope it doesn't bore the hell out of everyone. i just went crazy, i guess.”

“I laugh my ass off threw it.”

“I laughed my ass off threw it.”

“Radagast, it was worth every depression of the shift key! I think you and Dude win the prize for screwey bpin' experiences! I've taken the dogs off squirrel patrol and put 'em on mouse duty. We'll have a bit of vengence in your name. They brought a little frozen mouse corpse in tonight! Thanks for taking the time to put it in type!”

“Ice tea, Orbit Manifesto was a regular who most likely is lurking now. He held the record for continuous, excessive lengthy posts. He generally had good content, just took the long way to get to the point. I miss him.”

“You turned down a beer for a Yoohoo? I can't believe I let you in Kentucky! Don't tell anyone around here they might kick me out of the state.”

“Long live the Orb!!!!

Rad I was just knockin'!!! That sounded like a great adventure Chip or not.


Hey WD sorry to hear of the news!! Must a been a chilly ride home.”

“Rad, thanks for sharing the experience. It was worth the wait. Sorry to hear you and the 'dude had to go through a psycho, busted knee and 'dude's vandalized vehicle.”

“it's called 'adventure'. whoo-hoo!”

“Dude; now that Briar mentions it that is a long drive(drove it) in the winter with a busted window. Did the flapping of the trash bag drive you insane when you were on the highway?”

“You've never lived till you've driven 4 hours (half in rain) with a trash bag SCREAMING at you from the passenger window!
BTW, Great report Rad! If I'd have typed that, I'd still be banging on the keys.
All in all, In was a very entertaining trip. I could have done without my truck getting broke into though. Even hanging with Chip was pretty interesting. The guy has no sence of humor at all. A few times at first I thought he was trying to be funny and I was laughing my ass off. The Rhode Island Mafia thing about made me bust a gut laughing!”

“that is one amazing trip report....an adventure story to tell your grandkids.
sorry to hear about the vandalism”

“GOD NO!!!!!
Don't say, "That's Amazing"!
That's how Chip talks”

“Funny. Bummer for WD's window. Rad is one well prepared dude.”

“that's a-MAY-ZING!!!!!!”

“'dude and i are gonna share this recurring nightmare! LOL!!!!”

“oops..sorry dude....
by the way...how do you make art?...”

“With the lights out because she doesn`t like the light on when we make art! Kidding, just kidding!
She doesn`t mind the light at all.

Rad that was very good and I enjoyed every line of it. You and Dude`ll remember that trip for a long time and compare the others to it, just wait and see.

Dude, sorry about your window man, that had to have made you mad. The rain did cool you down on the way home though, didn`t it?

You two seem to have the best of times no matter what comes up. Good on you both!”

“That's a bummer about your window Dude, hope insurance covers it. I detest vandals, they're the only thing I really fear when I go hiking. Hate the pressure of returning to a trailhead wondering if I'm gonna see a smashed window.”

“Dude, sorry bout your truck. And holy ^#%%^& what a trip. You gotta love the insane.”

“Great report, J! Sheesh, jus when we done thought yew wuz a complete simpleton...
Just kiddin, darlin'
>smooches<
Quite the raconteur, as it turns out!

Glad you guys made it back safe!
What a trip! =:0”

“I turned my film in yesterday. Maybe Friday night I'll have pics up.”

“Great trip report! Are you guys sure that Chip wasn't really gojo in disguise?

raddman, I think you could have a good time alone in a stainless steel room.”

“WOW! Sounds like a trip you will not forget soon. The one thing that stuck out in my head was your comment about being lucky to have a hiking pardner like WD. You cannot underestimate the benefits of hiking with someone so compatible. It sounds like you guys are headed for many, many adventures together.”

“you should have told chip this:



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Sie verbessern schließen den F**k oben, bevor ich den Piss aus Ihnen heraus schlage.”

“You should have told chip this:

Sie verbessern schließen den F**k oben, bevor ich den Piss aus Ihnen heraus schlage.”

“Good story tellng Mr. Rad.

(BTW: I absolutely deny that it was me on Blood Mountain. So stop emailing me about it! And if it was, I would be getting a bum rap here. That lawyer had no credentials. Besides, you can't prove anything, almost no one on TT knows what I look like.)

And by the way, Rhode Island does have a serious Mafia and organized crime problem. You don't wanna be seen making fun of them on line.”

“Ok, I believe Raddy?s story. I wish I had not read it before I went to bed, cause it gave me nightmares. I dreamed that two friends, my brother, and myself met up with Rad and Dude for a hike. We met at Rad?s house, which was a two story rickety affair. Rad and Dude were still trying to get ready to go and then once they announced they were ready, I would remember something I forgot. Then Dude would disappear to get something else and on and on and on. There were all kinds of weird things going on and lots of psycho pets that kept stealing stuff out of my pack.

Anyway it was dawn already and everyone was waiting on me and I stepped out on Rad?s skimpy balcony and the railing gave way and I rode it to the ground like Slim Pickins on a A-Bomb. Everyone decided the trip wasn't worth the bother so we went home. I was skert.”

“Great story Bacpac now if you get a chance to go with `em it can`t be as bad as your dream was, or can it?”

“Anybody wanna go hikin?
MOOHAHAHA!!!!!!!”

“bacpac, that is very bizarre.”

“(SNIFF)
sure....

just as long as you paint a big ole X on the blurry thingamabob! I was just abouit to the top of when all hell broke loose. I was skeerd. Then you two leggers all started lafing at me. Every nite as i nau on my bone i am thinkin of you two leggers lafin. Lafin at my expense. That two legger who thinks I'm trained said it wert nothin though. weel the jokes on him now, wait till he gets home. (:)”

“radagast has set the standard for trip reports! No more pretty flowers, glimpses of wildlife, "It was cold", "It was hot". I don't want to hear what you ate, how good the conversation was, just tell me who died, how many swat teams were involved and if the escapee survived.”

“NOW:
YOU PEOPLE HAVE YOUR MISSION.
GO HIKING!”

“but.... what about the ninjas?”

“The Rhode Island Ninjas?”

“now I am really concerned about hiking with you two. LOL all I ask is that I make the plane home. Even though I only live about 4 miles from the AT I don't have the time to walk up on it. hahaha And with chip out there I might never make it anyway. Rad..was that steak cooked Pittsburgh i.e. blacked on both sides and raw in the middle, ya know just like they cooked um on home improvement with the industrial stove”

“That isnt what the mouse that use to live there told us about this story.... and RAD you left WD with that nut all night!!!!! I would have been seriously angry in the morning if I was him.”

“he liked snuggling with chip.”

“That somebitch can snore.”