clinton legacy

“The police around here are a little suspicious of men in rain coats and not pant legs sticking out of the bottom. Death ? I hope your encounters with lawmen are tranquil.”

“Bahrummf!”

“They just made clinton pay up 80k.”

“Don't worry, It was a Mountain Light jacket, so it only came to my waist and the shorts went down to my knees.”

“GSA not CSA

It's the General Services Administration -- the landlord and property manager for the Feds.

If the magazine says CSA its writers have their head up their a$$, casting suspicion on the rest of their 'facts'.”

“Socks the Cat Speaks to Nation! Admits Affair!
By Richard Menta
There wasn't much time left for the first feline. In a few minutes he was going in front of the camera's - live to millions of Americans - and confess to an improper sexual relationship. Wishing to look his best, the nervous Socks continued to meticulously groom himself, licking his paws, his arms, his legs. Trouble was, the stage manager forgot to give Socks his cue, so the first cat didn't realize he was on air when he got to his genitals. For the opening of his confessional on national television, one hundred million Americans watched Socks the Cat lick his balls.

Realizing his error, the stage manager frantically cued the first cat!

Socks continued to lick.

The stage manager began to jump up and down wildly, desperately trying to get his attention!

Socks continued to lick.

Finally, the stage manager screamed "YOU'RE LIVE!"

Socks stopped licking. He quickly turned to the camera, on his back, legs splayed out, his eyes big as saucers.


"Hey Socks, check out that tail"



After an agonizingly long 2 seconds, Socks regained his composure and righted himself. Turning to the prompter, the first cat began his speech. It was short and to the point.

"Meow"

With that word, the speech ended and the camera's returned to their respective anchors to analyze the first cat's message. The analysis was heated on Nightline that evening.

"Mendacity!" cried republican Senator Arlen Spector. "He thinks he can deceive the American people but he is mistaken."

"And the nerve of him trying to turn this into an opportunity to attack Ken Starr" added an angered Oren Hatch.

"What attack? chimed in former Clinton advisor Dick Morris, also humiliated by a philandering scandal. He only said one word, meow."

"Everyone knows 'meow' is cat for Ken Starr is a jerk" answered Hatch.

"No" countered Morris. "Everyone just KNOWS Ken Starr is a jerk".

"I felt his delivery was cold and insincere" said another former Clinton advisor George Stephanopolos. "He never said the words I'm sorry. Granted, he can't, but that's beside the point..."

"The only thing he's sorry about is getting caught." said a disturbed Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern on their respective radio shows in the morning. Even more disturbing to both men was the fact the two actually agreed with each other.

Socks polls the next morning were mixed. While Americans still feel he is doing a fine job in office, they no longer see the first cat as a moral leader. In fact, they wish he would simply keep it under his fur until his term of office is finished.

This, of course, fueled the fodder for year 2000 election, with republicans trying to tie as many democratic candidates as they can to the incident.

"I saw Al Gore rubbing Socks' tummy." said suspected republican candidate Newt Gingrich. "I am appalled at such lurid behavior!"

White House spin doctors worked quickly to diffuse the issue, using a tactic that has worked very well for them when dealing with Socks' infidelities in the past.

"HE'S A CAT!" said the replacement to White House Press Agent Mike McCurry who's name no one can remember. "A Cat! That's what cats do!"

"Is it true that Chelsea refuses to pet Socks because of this incident? Said veteran ABC correspondent Cokie Roberts

"Of course not!" replied the replacement. "Why? Because HE'S A CAT!"

"Socks told the nation this was a private matter between his family and his god" said CNN reporter Wolf Blitzer. "Can you elaborate?"

"Are you people insane?" answered the faux Mike McCurry. "When did he say that? "

"Can you confirm that Mrs. Clinton will have Socks leashed during their vacation at Martha's Vineyard?" shouted another reporter.

"Certainly not" said the weary press secretary. "Socks will be free to spray the compound anyti...Roam! I Mean Roam! Roam the Compound! Roam!"

But it was too late. With that slip of the tongue, the press secretary could do nothing but watch helplessly as a fevered press corps rushed to the phones. It had been a long day and the faux McCurry slumped to the floor mumbling softly.

"roam........"”

“whatta hussy!”

“Bill Clinton was damn sexy. Oh yes he was. This is a given.

He had The Appeal. Magnetic, charming as hell, a man who you knew actually had sex and enjoyed it and possessed a highly active all-American libido and knew what all the body parts did and where they went.

And women swooned for him, yes they did, and there were articles and commentaries and even in glossy women's fashion mags they talked up the amazing sex appeal of the president, the Southern charm and masculine assurance and that naughty gleam in his eye.

And women had dreams about him, wrote into magazines and called in to talk shows, and they were sexual dreams, trysts and liaisons and Monicas, because women, well, they knew.

They knew it was genuine. They knew Clinton was an honest appreciator of the female form. You get the distinct feeling that Clinton genuinely and respectfully and with great zeal (and yes, also some very poor taste) truly loved women, loved the female gender, so much so he screwed it all up and took it to painful and finally rather sleazy extremes.”

“Oh but how Clinton was slandered. Oh but how he was swarmed upon, savagely, brutally, not just for screwing around, not merely for having an ugly and dumb-ass affair, not even for lying about it. But essentially for having sex at all, for actually appearing to enjoy it, unashamedly, and for being unable to control his appetites. For being, you know, human. Heaven forfend.”

“Then there's Bush.


Oh dear god.”

“George W. Bush does not have sex. You just know this. Dubya is not one to even remotely appreciate or even care about much less understand anything at all regarding the messy glorious divinity of women or women's pleasure and the true sticky all-American pastime.

It shows in his demeanor, in his squinty eyes, in his smirk, in his vicious laws. George W. Bush is quite possibly the least sexually appealing or attuned president since, well, his father. This, too, is a given.

Bush gives zero spark. Simply does not register. You do not wish to think of Dubya in any sexual way whatsoever. He could very well be celibate and anatomically incorrect and if it weren't for the record number of days he's spent on vacation at his ranch with the horsies and the farm animals since becoming president, you might think the man had no fleshy animate contact whatsoever.”

“It is worthy of comparison. It is worth noting. Under Mr. Libido, under insanely maligned Clinton -- under, in other words, a sexually aware and energized leadership -- the nation was largely at peace, attained record budget surpluses, record low unemployment, international respect and admiration. Women's rights were assured and gay rights were protected and Clinton was welcomed like a freakin' rock star abroad, and, from what I understand, he still is.

He was widely loved and admired and respected and hey, here's a guy with an actual libido, and a whip-smart mind, and is unafraid to use either, rightfully and wrongfully. He's actually human, flawed and screwed up and heartily sexual and libidinously active and sorta proud of that fact and wow, what a concept.

And now we have Shrub. And now, it is all reversed, inverted, painfully ingrown, like a bad karmic toenail.”

“All right, let's spell it out. Let's get to the point already.

Because there is a direct and undeniable correlation between a nation's level of sexual awareness or repressiveness and its overall national level of openness or uptightness, its overall feeling of patriotic constipation. Just ask, say, Afghanistan.”

“There is a direct relationship between how we are now a divisive and frigid BushCo nation, in a state of perpetual war, saddled with a gutted budget, in an economic tailspin, how national morale is in the gutter and international respect for the U.S. almost nonexistent, and the overall cheerless and desolate climate of sexual education and awareness among our current leadership. Oh yes there is.

The environment is slammed and schools are scrambling for fiscal scraps and Medicare is on the verge of collapse and megacorporations from Halliburton to Lockheed Martin are salivating and rubbing their hands together and cheering and invidious Wal-Mart is the world's largest and most powerful arbiter of taste, and you don't think it has anything to do with our leadership's sense of amatory dread? Think again.

Look. It ain't rocket science. Lack of sex, repression of libido, ignorance of sexuality or sex education, lack of sexual celebration or outlet -- these things, on a national level, on an energetic universal level, can only result in conflict, bitterness, angst and war, and the need to flaunt bogus machismo, invent new enemies and strut around the planet thinking you're literally God's gift to empire when you're really just a draconian impotent bully.”

“Look at the world's most rigid and violent and oppressive nations for proof, at Syria Saudi Arabia Afghanistan China et al. Notice their attitudes toward sex and women and sexual expression. Draw easy parallel with Ashcroft and Dick Cheney and Rove and BushCo's anti-gay anti-women anti-choice propaganda. Voilà.

Now, glimpse the current state of American affairs, that acidic stifling powder-keg feeling, that sense of sad closed-mindedness and deep-seated fear and the sense that the only real screwing going on is what the USA Patriot Act and the 2004 Bush budget are doing to you, right now. Show me a brutish dictator/despot/pseudo-fascist/Rumsfeld, and I'll show you a sneering hunk of sexual ineptitude.”

“What is this? An argument for something or against something?

Did I miss the meaning of this irrational childish drivel?

Please enlighten me. What is the point of this thread?”

“A sexually attuned nation is a prosperous nation.”

“Clinton led by example.”

“You may initially scoff at this notion and roll your eyes about it and perhaps all-too-quickly dismiss it, but it is much deeper than you realize and becomes more and more true the more you think about it and the more you infuse it with your belief and your grins and your tongue.”

“I did not have sex with that woman”

“And boy is she glad.”

“and girl is he bad...”