advise on being single

“Well, thanks I think. I loved the advice and yes it is good and gives me lots of things to think about. My children are my main concern and I think things will go alright if we stay civil. It does feel as if a load has been lifted and I will stay positive for my sake and my kids besides it doesn't do any good to mope. Thanks again it is amazing how fast a person can find friends. Sorry don't mean to get all mushy.”

“Twig - I said it will distort her judgment unless she is a slut. Not that all women that engage in unmarried sex are sluts.. I think it is a mistake but not that all are sluts. I don?t know the word for the male equivalent of slut. The research I have read (but can?t cite) says that in general women tend to form strong bonds to sexual partners regardless of other conditions in the relationship. This reduces there ability to evaluate those other conditions. That will be fine if sex is the only thing you need in the relationship.

Fly - And I said nothing about a church. Marriage is a commitment sanctioned by law (and sometimes a church). What kind of a commitment is it if you want an easy way out? He ask for advice. I am not proposing a law, it is advice. If you what to take the risk, go for it, but there are consequences and you should bear them yourself. Don?t try to shift them to the rest of society. It is a fact that kids raised in single parent households have more problem than those in 2 parent households. Single parent households are poorer too which accounts for some of the problems but that poverty is also in part a result of there being no father in the home. I was raised by a mother with no father in the home and look how messed up I am. (He died)”

“the male equiv of a slut? to be male is to be a slut... LOL”

“I'd venture to guess Lobo is no great hurry to get remarried. I guess too that he'd rather not have to make that large a commitment to share the company (and intimacy and dare I say s.e.x.) of a special gal.”

“By the way. Statistic apply to a population not individuals. Some single parents do a great job. I know, I have seen it. My statements should not be taken as a condemnation of any individual single parent.”

“Sex, what is that? The kids will be in both homes equally. I also grew up in a single parent home and the kids will not be pawns, we have agreed to a nonadversarial spilt, don't laugh I think it can happen. As for friends we are new to the area and don't have many yet but time will take care of that.”

“Men are dogs. If they are not feed and cared for they will venture elsewhere. Put your nose to the wind my fellow canine. Odors abound in the single world. Follow your other brain and the rest will follow .”

“I wish ya the best,Lobo.”

“What's happening to Bacpac?! Stop it man! I like you better crabby and snappy! Is spring in the air or something?”

“Him: "I just got outta prison."
Her: "What were you in prison for?"
Him: "I murdered my wife".
Her: "So, you're single?"

Bar scene from Cape Fear

(I ain't no *queer*, or nuttin like gat, but I gotta love Robert Deniro![sp?])”

“Do unto her as you would have her do unto you.

mel
2/22/01

Sounds good Mel, but thinking practically thats pretty difficult to do! Can't even think of a way.

Would you sanction "do unto her as she would have you do unto her" as an alternative, when your formula err... umm... well, can't be applied?”

“Whether it be a man or a woman...it's l u s t that makes a s l u t!”

“Geez gang. Lobo asked what to do now, not how to get laid. LOL!”

“OH MY GAWD!! According to brudder, lust makes a slut. I'm a slut and I'm not even getting laid!!! This is WAY unfair! I protest! I protest! ;oP”

“I think the term for men who sleep around a LOT is "slut puppy" an those grow up to be "whore dogs"”

“I'll think about the sex later, *********** ok long enough. lol”

“"advise on being single"?

be a real pig. shave your hair down the middle. let the rest grow long. get an attitude like tom terrific and mutt mixed together. dont bathe. take up a new hobby, like heroin.

do this, and you will hopefully be single for a long time, but there are a few chicks here that might date you anyways.”

“i went through this a couple of years ago...

enjoy your new freedom. eventually you will get back to your normal self.

when you are ready, be confident...most women seek that in a man. and check the baggage at the door.”

“Joy, I am sure it is just a phase.”

“Someone already touched on this, but it bears repeating. Don't ever bring up a past relationship. Don't say anything good about it and don't say anything bad. Make the girl feel like she is the first woman you ever cared about. When she asks (and she will ask) she doesn't really want to know about your relationships. Oh, maybe she would like to confirm that you are capable of an adult relationship, but what she really wants to know is, "Am I the first (and only) woman you ever cared about?"

The answer better be yes.”

“well, bacpac, that might work for some. But I don't WANT to be the first and only woman a man has ever cared about! I want him to have loved and lost and hurt and learned so that we both can get to the business of making it work this time.”

“The advice I bring to the forum. Forgive so that you don't become bitter.

Then take some time to deal with what just happened and why. Learn from it and become better for it.

During this time frame it is okay to go on as many hikes as you want. Journaling is great here.

Also, don't try to numb yourself out by being to busy. Learn who you are and see if you like your own company.

Laugh A LOT!!!!”

“cindy lu, I know what you mean. You don't want to be the one to teach him, because in learning, there may be some arguements that will make him dislike you as he learns, so it leaves him knowledgeable as he walks on to what will be a better relationship with someone else.”

“Lobo, Cindi_lu and lipstick are obliged to dispute me. It is some kind of women's code or something. Trust me, they want a guy with a couple miles on him, but they don't anyone who has wrecked a BMW or owned a Hundai. A woman has to feel that she is the Porsche.”

“....wellll....

The physical aspect of "do unto" may be a bit difficult in practice.
Just play nice.
So many of us here are products of broken homes, or our own is broken.
I think we all have good advice to give.
Take everything with a grain of salt, and do the best you can.
And, unless you're Sarabelle, keep your nose out of her crotch (in public).”

“Hey Freedom, could you throw a little of that forgiveness my way. I know I pulled a few of your strings, but I didn't mean put your panties in a bunch.

I would like to offer you an appology as well.”

“bacpac, it's okay if a man has loved before. A woman just wants to know that he still has the capacity to love again. That means she can be #1 unless the man is obsessed by his past love.”

“lips, You are married. You are confusing married relationship with single relationship. Single women need a little more assurance.

Sheeze, Lobo may be a serial killer, but he doesn't want a prospective date to think she isn't his first victum.”

“Mass moider is my forte. So how many will be at the next hike.lol Things are going well so far and we are agreeing on almost everything, thats a first. Lawyer next week and we will see how things go from there. I am keeping my hopes up that this will be as unobtrusive as possible to all involved. I learn something from nearly every reply, I can take it all in and see what works for my situation. Thanks again.”

“Well....Maybe forgiveness isn't that important.”

“bacpac, I for one forgive you. Actually, I never felt a grudge for your insult. I accept you for who you are.

Forgiveness isn't important unless you're the once needing to let go and forgive. If you are truly sorry, that is all that matters. We are responsible for no one's feelings but our own. As individuals, we need to accept people for who they are and the mistakes they make whether they are sorry or not. As individuals, we need to admit when we've wronged others and ask forgiveness. Whether or not we are forgiven is up to the other individual.

Be true to your God, be true to yourself and you will find peace in your heart.

Have a nice day, bacpac. :o)”

“Cindy Lu is absolutely right. In my experience healthy women who were interested in me, wanted to know about my significant relationships and the break-ups and how I made sense of them, grew from them and got over them. I want to know the same about a woman. You learn a lot about someone from how they describe their ex's and their past relationships. You avoid a lot of pitfalls by listening carefully to this stuff.
Now, when people obsess about their ex. thats not a good sign.”

“BTW if you are single after breaking up with the mother of your children (married or unmarried), your children have to be priority #1. Not only is this important to your kids, but it can help you a lot to.
The clarity that devotion to my children gave me when it came to difficult decisions helped me a lot. I knew how to approach ever big decision I had to make.
The well being of your children is more important than your own well being, your ex's feelings, the wonderful woman (or man) you're seeing, or even how often you see your kids. (Mine live with me just over 1/2 time.)”

“Be yourself, don't try to be what people expect you to be.”

“Don't spit beer in her face when you laugh...TURN YOUR HEAD!”

“DAMMIT! why didn't you tell me that earlier! i just got my ass kicked for that exact thing!”

“Lobo, I don't mean to pry and I don't have special insight as I have not gone through this myself, but I do have friends who have felt that they were burnt by the process. I urge you to read, if only for a divergent opinion the book which I cited before. You ought to be able to find reviews of the book on the net. I knew after buying a new car and settling on our house that the next time things would be different. Experience is what you are lacking (in the divorce proceedings) and this book offers bared knuckles insight.
Suggested reading...
How to Dump Your Wife: The Divorce Book for Men
by Lee Covington, Fender Publishing Company 1999”

“I agree with that stuff cindy lu and pedxing say about the ex's (and about the kid thing especially). I want to know everything about my partner AND I don't want to be lied to about the smallest of things - not even under the guise of "sparing my feelings" (gimme a break). Avoiding is on the same level as lying in my book.”

“Jester's advice to "be yourself." Aside from the morality and decency, you'll only mess yourself up by being false. And, perhaps most importantly, if you want a good relationship you want someone who is attracted to you, not who you are pretending to be.

In fact, I've tried to get the possible "hitches" out in the open pretty quickly. For example (I won't reveal my annoying habits here): my kids live with me at least half time and are at the center of my life. Half my weekends and at least half of my vacation time is spent with them. There is room at that center, but it will take time for anyone to get there. And my kids will have some say about that.

It helps to spell stuff out. Some people are hungry for a relationship or for sex that they really don't want to think through what you tell them (or tell it to you straight).
I spell this and other stuff out carefully.”

“I have come across a group of men who really seem to dislike women it's worrying to me that these are the friends of the guy I've been dating I have just recently met them even though weve been lightly dating for about 5mths they seem to have NO respect for women at all and I have never had men say the things they were saying around me before it has made me really look at this guy he hasnt acted like that yet just a little materialistic these are not young guy's either they are mid to late 30's upper class any insight guy's?? is that common an somehow I missed it”

“cb, Caps key is on either side, probably labeled "shift" with an arrow. Sounds like guy talk. They have accepted you as one of them.”

“2 things one for the originator of the thread, one for CB.

1. Go out and have mindless sex. (I am making the assumption (OF COURSE) that the co-joining party would have an equally shallow perspective. I mean . . .once you get some perspective on this mess, at least you should have some fun.

2. CB. I am a middle/upper class mid -30s guy. Is my previous comment the type of thing that your boyfriend's friends are saying? When my friends and I are together we can be extremely crude, graphic sexual references, blowing noses without a tissue, farting, writing names in snow while peeing (hoooooo-wheeeee we sure know how to have a good time!!)

Bottom line for me, sex is fun. I have no religious hang ups about it. I am married, so I don't have sex outside of my marriage. But I still talk about it, am crude about, see an attractive women and comment about it. So do all of my friends. So does every single male I have ever known. Even the gay males I have known, make the same commentary about guys they consider cute (it runs along the lines of the "roid" thread (just joking Oldie, don't get bunched up).

I have a couple of "sensitive" friends who don't like it when I talk about their mothers. One got esp. offended when I made comments about his sister (hey, she's an airline stewardess).

I generally tone it way down around my friend's wives, some of whom are pretty prudish.

Guys are like that. They should (by the sound of it) be somewhat more discreet around you.

On the flip side, are you overly prudish? I have one friend whose wife is embarrased by the fact (I think) that I have 2 kids, because it is hard evidence that my wife and I must have "done it". She is way too up tight.

If your S.O.'s friends see a woman and make a comment, take it in stride (unless it is way over the top and just stupid), however, if they verbally assualt YOUR dignity, respect or sense of well being, then call them on it.”

“No I'm not prudish at all an enjoy sex very much. Mindless sex is not that interesting as it causes to much long range hassle. I'd rather have sex with someone who knows me an what I like. I've alway's had very good male friends, but never heard any of them talk like these guy's do. They are deragatory an bitter not just fun sexual comments, all of them sleep around even though they have steady girlfriend's. They talk like they do anyway. Is this better Flyguy6? I'm not very good at punctuation.”

“cb There are a lot of guys who don't respect or even like women (at least not real, whole women, as opposed to the parts and the partying). I think the key questions about the guy you are dating are:
1) was he sensitive to what you were experiencing (did he check in with you, did he stick up for you)?
2) is he at all critical of his friends attitudes and behavior?

Its possible that this was an initiation and you were being tested. Its possible that these guys think your date is a little P---- Whipped (a guy concept you should know if you don't already... email me if you care for an explanation).

Some guys really can be scum when it comes to women. Of course some women are incredibly scummy to guys. I won't venture to say who is worse, I have no idea.”

“I would say, don't get deeply involved with anyone else right away. Develop the friendships you had before the breakup, get counseling if you aren't coping well, learn to be comfortable with yourself before involving another person in your life. Force yourself to be sociable (see your friends, go to movies, eat out at restaurants, etc - you need the interaction) even if you really don't feel like it. Make sure you know what you are looking for in a relationship before you get into one, and don't compromise your principles. When my first marriage broke up I didn't do any of this and the results were a disastrous second marriage.”

“cb --

fun = good.

bitter, derogatory and sleeping around behind girlfriend's back = not good.

SOund like jerks.”

“cb, just joshing about the puncuation and caps. Yes, it was a whole lot easier to read ;-)”

“you women would all enjoy sex more if it was with me. just ask my hand!”