Dr. Laura's Help Line

“Hello, and welcome to 1-800-DRLAURA

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y put the bomb down and press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

Thanks for calling, now go take on the day, bastards!”

“If you are a celebrity stalker, please press: #*#*###


(pound star pound star pound pound pound)”

“null”

“9696969696969696.

Can you help me?

I`ve learned to live with it, but where were you when I needed you?
It`s not easy growing up in a world where everything is ass backwards.

I got real good at guessing about things and never knowing for sure. If you have never seen it wrong, how do you know you`re seeing it right?”

“Dr Laura:
I have a beautiful new home, and a nice cozy bed.
But I like to sleep outside in my backyard in my sleeping bag. One nite I slept outside with only my sleeping bag, Thermorest and a blue tarp. It was 10 degrees below zero and very windy.
I just wanted to do it !
Am I crazy - are there others like me ?”

“The other problem is I can't stop buying gear.
If I see a tent that is 8 ounces lighter than mine - and it only costs $225, I have to have it...
And 8 ounces is alot - of course I'll eat 2 Big Mac's on the way home from the sporting goods store ... I don't want to become anorexic ...”

“Whos disin Dr. Laura? Not many of you can listen to here talk radio show in the mornigs, because you don't live in the tri state area. HA HA HA !!!”

“hangman.....this is the unofficial "I'd rather sleep outside than in a cozy bed"'s anonymous site......you are not alone”

“Ice, her radio program in NATIONALLY syndicated and shes on TV. Everyone can see/hear her.”

“I knew she had a TV show, but I didn't think that her radio show was nationally broawdcasted (sp?).”

“BROADcast? Time to kick some ass.

Bastards!”

“First time I heard Dr. Laura I was driving in some forest in Colorado, maybe 4-5 years ago. Yup, Ice Tea......... young Grasshoppa.......... you've still got some learning to do....... :-)”

“You mean there's a real Dr. Laura? I thought she was just a funny Troll.”

“She's not only real, she graces our website often. Now, go do the right thing.”

“hangman, you are normal. Everybody else is strange. Life isn't worth living without gear.”

“I've still never heard of a REAL Dr Laura.”

“Mr.Dude...Dr.Laura is real...and a real B!tch. She harps on everyone who doesn't see life like she thinks they should. I could go on and on...don't get me started!”

“Here ya go, now look it up, will ya, BASTARDS!!!!



Did I screw up the link?? BASTARD!!”

“BIG STINKIN' BASTARD!!

Let's try again!!

”

“BASTARD!!!

Dr. Laura Homepage”

“FINALLY!!!”

“LOL, Lizs, I always have thought Dr. Laura was either you or AmyG!

Well, it could be Mel!LOL”

“Ohhhhhhhhh, I think Dr. Laura might be a cross-dressing, kilt-wearing TT hiker. I'd pretty much bet money on it! Then again, Dr. Laura has been gone a long time and recently showed back up. Who else does this apply to, hmmmmmmmmmmm???? I'd like to know who Mr. X is too.”

“Fools. I've been here the entire time. I grace you bastards with my witty observations only when I deem you worthy.

Lizs, the only identity I need is Doctor Laura. Now bow to my morally superior standing, bastards!”

“Dr. Laura = Dirtbag Darrell in a kilt???”

“Here is a cool Dr. Laura site!”

“Dr Laura
Can I see you Naked?”

“Think you've got the stomach, sonny? Get a haircut, bastard.”

“LMFAO!!!!!”

“

September 14, 2006 -- Despite the skeletons rattling in her own closet, the acerbic radio gabber slams today's women in a new book, claiming the typical American female is a slut. "Men see women as sex objects when women act like unpaid whores . . ."

What? That's a revelation? LMFAO!

Schlessinger writes in "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage," due from HarperCollins in January: "Now it is difficult to find the male who values virginity, purity and innocence when females dress like babes and perform oral sex and intercourse without even having to be fed dinner.

Damn, I wonder if she's got any new nudie shots in the book.

LINKY”

“Yet another silly libbie that lacks the intelligence to comprehend the concept of Fuego.
[VBG]”

“Gomer, don't call Dr. Laura stupid...she's on your side!”

“when females dress like babes and perform oral sex and intercourse without even having to be fed dinner.

Jeez, where were all those girls when I was single???”

“so i was asked to bring home a baby pigeon


yes i have the start of a petting farm :)

2 squirrels
1 pigeon


but I have no idea what to feed this little guy. they say I need pigeon food. WTF is it?

NO I WILL NOT THROW UP MY DINNER FOR HIM.....PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ME DO IT”

“I believe pigeon food is called squab. Oh, wait, you mean feed FOR pigeons, not pigeons for feeding?

A quick trip on the intra-web-Gore-made-thingy via Google turned up pigeon and dove food from several sources online. I live in a very rural area so dove food is not hard to find.

The white wings that come into my feeders feed on regular wild bird seed you can buy from Wal-Mart. Since Pigeons and Dove are related, I'd assume that could work as a stop gap until you could order in something specific.”

“i tried seeds. did not eat them
i tried smashed up doggie food. nope will not eat it.
i even tried KMR and nothing. I can not get to any feed store till tomorrow. I was just looking for something tonight.”

“mushed up worms?”

“


http://www.marshallgrain.com/marshall/product.asp?s%5Fid=0&dept%5Fid=3098&pf%5Fid=PAAAAAHPJKNKAADD&”

“you all are not helping!!”

“ok. try this.
some baby cereal form the local drug store-gerbers or heinz, comes in a box. mix cereal with water until runny like cheepo ketchup. add a bit of egg. perhaps some milk or creme if you have it. should work in an emergency”

“The second foto is of pigeon food, packaged & sold like any other pet food. The link is to that particular company You might have better luck if you ask local pet stores about Dove Food.”

“ok great idea on the food. but how the hell do i feed it?
i tried to do it with an eyedroper. I mean i know about the crop and all but this little tyke will not eat it like my other birds.”

“Oh. Sounds like a doomed bird. If you had a syringe and tiny catheter/tube you could try gavage?”

“See any of these downtown?


”

“".....this little tyke will not eat it like my other birds."

WWLD?

She might tell the little tyke to.............EAT IT!!!”

“She would need to say it in pigeon english to be understood.”

“Doctor Lyra??

"Yeah............EAT IT, pal!"”