Things you ain't NEVER gonna hear a woma n say

“1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper, too. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

3. Honey, did you leave that skidmark in the toilet bowl? Good one!

4. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

5. Bar food again!? Kick ass!

6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

7. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

8. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

9. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

10. Honey, come here! Watch me do a tequila shot off of Jennifer's bare ass.

11. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your drunken buddies.

12. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

13. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big nut!

14. You are so much smarter than my father.

15. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.

16. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

17. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

18. You're so sexy when you're hung over!

19. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

20. Let's subscribe to Penthouse.

21. I'll be out painting the house.

22. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to ride.

23. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

24. No, No, I'll change the oil in the car.

25. Your mother is way better than mine.

26. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something.

27. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire?

28. You need your sleep, ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

29. Look! My ass is fatter than yours.”

“Good one!”

“1. Let's eat something at home and rent a video. We don't need to go out and blow a lot of money.

2. Let's try a new position. I'll get on top ...

3. I don't need to put on any makeup, we might be late!”

“Honey, I appreciated you taking me to McDonald's for dinner. Maybe next time we can have dinner at Burger King or Taco Bell!”

“Sorry to burst your bubble, but there are actually four things on your list that I HAVE heard my wife say before.

1-4-25-27. Oh, and three out of three on steve hiker's I've heard her say. Hmmmm........ is that a problem?”

“Uh-oh, Hobbit, I hope you're ready for a lot of wife-swappin' offers!”

“Hobbit, wanta swap?”

“Whoa...

Orbit's back!
Hi, Hobbit!”

“Damn guys, I'm losing faith quickly here. I was all gettin my hopes up with this new girl I met in Stats today. She seems too cool - like she might say a lot of that stuff. And, get this: she's into backpacking! Woohoo! You see, girls like this are hard to find my age. All of em just wanna go shop at J Crew or Abercrombie or whatever. I better shut up now, or I'll jinx things!”

“How'bout....My, what an attractive scrotum you have!”

“pisquah, give this new chic a shot. A man can't always tell if a woman wants him, because some of us like to play coy.”

“I'm definately gonna give her a shot! She seems like a keeper for sure. She wanted to 'study' (and you NEVER know what that means!) this weekend, but I had to say no (doh!), cause I'm goin to Colorado to check out another college (this is a good trip!). I let her know that I'd like to get together with her later. So. . . we'll see. And I'll keep you guys posted, as usual with my love life.”

“#1 should read " I sorry"”

“pisqah, good luck on your scouting trip & with this new girl. You may want to dab a little cologne on behind your ears or whereever men put it. Oh heck, you should just be yourself, sans cologne if that's you.

I can't believe you had to cancel, but that will just serve to create more of an interest, lol.”

“Honey?
I love those cute brown pucker prints you leave on the top sheet when you scratch your ass through it!

Why don't you just forget about taking a shower this week. I love it when you're all stinky and sticky.

Why don't we save a little money this month. Can I darn your socks?

I love the smell of methane in the morning.

You look so cute with yesterdays' egg yolk stuck in your mustache.

I LOVE your mother!
Why don't you invite her to move in with us?

The bathroom smells so good when you take your coffee in there to drink while you take a big sh!t.

No! Please don't use deoderant. I get so aroused by your manly odor.

Why, no! Why would I want you to wash your hands after you change the oil in the truck? I love the cute little black circles under your fingernails.

That yellow fur on your teeth makes me want to suck on your tongue.

My favorite thing about you losing your hair is how much I like cleaning it out of the drain in the shower.

Of course you can sleep with my sister.”

“Mel, you have a sister?”

“Chuckles”

“Mel,

Do you why women have smaller feet in general than men? Science tells us it's evolution, so they stand closer to the sink to do dishes.”

“Oh, Trinity!
If I had a sister, we'd both be chasing you!

bogey?

Do you know why some men have evolved with larger genitalia?

So they can still use that thing when their bellies get too big for them to get close enough to poke the little woman.

~;>”

“I glad Mel, I'm getting to old to run and wouldn't know what to do if you cought me.
Also happy to know why I don't have eather of the above for mentioned items.”

“Well, see now?
You must be just about perfect.

Stand still. I'm not as fast as I used to be, either.”

“STAND. She says to stand. I don't think I have the energy for that. Can't we just sit or maybe recline.”

“Double negetive!!!!! "ain't never" so there is might be a gleamer of hope to sleep with the sister........... right!!!”

“I think Minister of Truth is really Ice Tea. The spelling and grammar are frighteningly familiar.”

“pisgah - If you need any help with your stats, let me know! Also, maybe you can impress her with Phil's Statistics Playground!!! (On second thought...)

Anyway...Good luck!

By the way, what you described is very close to how I met my wife. Our first date was to meet at my dorm room to study.”

“I remember that "meet in the dorm to study". Did a lot of studying that way. Might say it got me through collage.”

“Sorry Phil, that's one playground I'll not be playing in. *shudder*

Pisgah, Yeah, those study dates can be nice, 'specially if you can help her figure out something she's having trouble with.”

“TT - You actually studied on those dates?”

“That's the main reason dorms went co-ed.
Who studied?”

“Phil, I did study and sometime is was a subject that I was also taking a class in. I was in a coed dorm, the big problem was getting rid of room mates who didn't want to be in a study group.”

“Tongue in cheek! (But I didn't study much on our first date)

At Purdue I studied my rear end off. It was an accelerated program. We had a study group of 5 people who met 5 days a week, 7-12 p.m. It was a great group and included one super-genius.

I lived at a fraternity house in undergraduate days. I loved it, but you had to discipline yourself to study because there was always someone ready to play. We had quiet hours from 7-10. I helped a lot of guys in calculus, statics, and dynamics.”

“First year was in the dorm and almost got kicked out of school, way to much fun. Then went away for four years, came back with a different attuide. Lived in a small house about as far from campus as I could bike. Spent most of my time between classes, library and a part time job.”

“TT - Congratulations!! Sounds like you did OK.”

“"Honey?
I love those cute brown pucker prints you leave on the top sheet when you scratch your ass through it!

Why don't you just forget about taking a shower this week. I love it when you're all stinky and sticky.

Why don't we save a little money this month. Can I darn your socks?

I love the smell of methane in the morning.

You look so cute with yesterdays' egg yolk stuck in your mustache.

I LOVE your mother!
Why don't you invite her to move in with us?

The bathroom smells so good when you take your coffee in there to drink while you take a big sh!t.

No! Please don't use deoderant. I get so aroused by your manly odor.

Why, no! Why would I want you to wash your hands after you change the oil in the truck? I love the cute little black circles under your fingernails.

That yellow fur on your teeth makes me want to suck on your tongue.

My favorite thing about you losing your hair is how much I like cleaning it out of the drain in the shower.

Of course you can sleep with my sister."

I'm just saying its more of a guy thing to post something like this. Unless Mel stands from Melven.”

“"Honey?
I love those cute brown pucker prints you leave on the top sheet when you scratch your ass through it!

Why don't you just forget about taking a shower this week. I love it when you're all stinky and sticky.

Why don't we save a little money this month. Can I darn your socks?

I love the smell of methane in the morning.

You look so cute with yesterdays' egg yolk stuck in your mustache.

I LOVE your mother!
Why don't you invite her to move in with us?

The bathroom smells so good when you take your coffee in there to drink while you take a big sh!t.

No! Please don't use deoderant. I get so aroused by your manly odor.

Why, no! Why would I want you to wash your hands after you change the oil in the truck? I love the cute little black circles under your fingernails.

That yellow fur on your teeth makes me want to suck on your tongue.

My favorite thing about you losing your hair is how much I like cleaning it out of the drain in the shower.

Of course you can sleep with my sister."

I'm just saying its more of a guy thing to post something like this. Unless Mel stands for Melven.”

“Now why is that?”

“Phil, that was close to 25 years ago. But I did fine, 2-BAs, 1-BS, 2-AAs and a 3.6. Problem is I've never used them. But all that paper looks good on the bathroom wall.”

“TT - Interesting collection of degrees! I would guess they helped you indirectly more than you think. I'm working on #4 (surprisingly, all in different fields). But being in academia I use them a lot.”

“Most of mine relate, but are different schools. Histroy, Anthroplogy, Geology, Native Am. Studies and Fire Science. Fire, I got into because we started a Vol Dept about 20 years ago and the classes just added up. I have about a year left for a BS in Construction, that's what I do for a living. Construction not BS.”