work issues

“This memo is to announce the development of a new museum-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all Membership/Finance data. The program is referred to as the
"Museum Information Access Software System" (MIASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.
>
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using Sys36 and Excel, she was ready to kiss MIASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS"
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OMB and NSF audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our General Ledger Accountant proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".”

“MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't disagree.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.
TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You're gonna do it whether you want to or not.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.
TRANSLATION: You got a problem.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
TRANSLATION: This is awful!!

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world....
TRANSLATION: Get it working and get it out the door!

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand...
TRANSLATION: I don't know what the hell you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.
TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out which icon to click to open my e-mail.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.
TRANSLATION: You're working weekends, bucko.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.
TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.
TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this f*cker bombs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.
TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.
TRANSLATION: We have to put our ethics aside.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer.
TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this f*cking stupid.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.
TRANSLATION: You'll know I'm lying when my lips move.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.
TRANSLATION: Damn Expensive.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.
TRANSLATION: Grab your ankles.”

“Kleety, My sides are aching. Too funny!”

“Is this all the solace you guys have available to you working in an office environment?

kleety...

Break out that poor, tired, squirrel of yours.”