Camp Fire Tales

“For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses fossil fuel to destroy it. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the dark being squished into the wires. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker. The following line doesn't quite fit into the theory but almost does : - Ever seen the blue glow in vacuum tubes? That's because electrons are blue.”

“Waiter, I'll take anything but what he's having.”

“Huh?”

“So if you ruptured the side of a battery, The dark would come rushing out. Where does the Dark go?”

“Ahhh...remember The Dark is faster then light, it flows into the ground before you can see it, that's why it's dark underground.”

“Can you please explain the Blue glow in vacuum tudes?”

“That makes PERFECT sence.”

“I'm thinking the electrons are blue because their male electrons....”

“On a sicker note.....here's another one.

Ever have find the perfect campsite only to have someone camp right next to you, try this.............

Steve...How do you like your new pack?

Amy...I love it, I can fit a whole head in the top pocket.

Steve...I can't fit a head in mine, but its's great for hands and feet. I can fit a small torso in the main bag though.

Amy...Mine will hold a large male in the main bag, as long as I use the compression straps to hold the arms and legs.


You get the idea....We have used this conversation to get rid of those camped to close to us...works every time, go figure!”

“Huh?”

“Great theory. I'll have to remember that one. It even has less wholes than my "shrinking earth/orogenesis" theory.”

“heard the dark sucker one before...”

“join the dark side of the force, beeyatch!”

“and what exactly is the dark side of the force?”

“Once you start down the path of the dark side, forever will it dominate your destiny.”

“but where do I find the dark side of the force? do I look in a light bulb/dark sucker?”

“i AM the dark side, yo!”

“May the farce be with you.....”

“I think you can find it (the darkside) at wally world.. ? I think it was right next to the pathetic job section...and rad knows all about that part of the store”

“my best friend's name is wally!”

“i work with a guy named wally!”

“Wally Gator was the swingingest gator in the swamp”

“One dark and stormy night
rain pouring down the tent walls
lightening, blinding white hot flashes
thunder cracks and shakes the ground
would the aluminum poles on our TNF tent be end?
critical provisions were starting to run low (beer) and if conditions continued...
can't think of that right now...

water was starting to seep in, and down bags were getting heavy
air clouds from our breath temperature still falling
wind picks up the tent, slams it back to earth
guylines start to fail
stakes are no longer holding fast in the earth soup
quickly unzipping tent door, I scream

MEL this is the worst backyard camping I've ever done.... If you need me I'm inside.”