Another joke thread

“Probably my favorite one liner of al times heard right here on TT:

A horse walks into the bar and the bartender says, ?Hey, why the long face??”

“A 12 inch PIANIST!!!!!!!

hahhahhhaa


hhohohhohohoho

hehehheheheheheh


hehehehehehahahahhhhhohohohoho


ahem....

we are better now.”

“There?s these two guys, Tom, who has a speech impediment, and Bob who is lame and on crutches, go downtown to the big Benny Hinn healing service to get healed. They get up on stage and Benny sends them behind a curtain.

Benny yells at Bob, ?Bob, throw your right crutch over the curtain!? The crutch comes flying over.

?Bob, throw your left crutch over the curtain and be HEALED!?, Benny yells. The other crutch comes flying over.

?Now Tom, be HEALED and speak my child!?, Benny triumphantly yells.

A moment of silence and then from behind the curtain, ?B-b-b-b-b-bob j-j-j-j-just f-f-f-f-f-fell d-d-d-d-down!?”

“A reporter for the local press has learned that a cell of 4 terrorists
has been operating in the Postal facility. The FBI advised earlier today
that 3 of the 4 have been detained for questioning. A spokesman for
security stated that the terrorists, identified as bin Sleepin, bin
Drinkin and bin Smokin have been arrested and are being detained on
immigration charges. The FBI, local authorities and USPS indicated that
they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member,
bin Workin, anywhere within the facility. Officials for both law
enforcement and USPS are confident that anyone fitting bin Workin's
description will be very easy to spot in the facility and may very well
have left the area for that very reason.”

“Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.”

“LOL..........:)”

“I LOVE it!”

“between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?






One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children

and the other is a grocery bag”

“How is Michael Jackson like a mediocre infielder?


They both wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason.”

“Notes from an inexperienced Scottish chili taster named Angus:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else
wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're a bagpipe
player and therefore adored by all who meet you.

Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
ANGUS: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
ANGUS: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night.
She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under
her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like
Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE
TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. ANGUS: This
has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a !?##?!?%?~?! uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest. She said her friends call her Sally. Probably behind
her back they call her Forklif.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
ANGUS: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't
have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of
coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
ANGUS: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched
and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
ANGUS: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked
if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3,
he appears to be in a bit of distress.
ANGUS: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy
they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too
late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my
stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova
on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
ANGUS: Momma??!!



Jerry
--
Every morning in Africa, a Gazelle wakesup. It knows it must run faster
than the fastest lion or it will be killed . . . Every morning a Lion
wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest Gazelle or it will starve
to death. It doesn't matter whether you are a Lion or a Gazelle . . .
when the sun comes up, you'd better be running.”

“A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic.

As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark".

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessor, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.

The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab Work and the Cat Scan..."”

“What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and the Talaban?







At least the Talaban has a running game!”

“LOL.....:)”

“Nigal, what do you call 47 guys WATCHING the superbowl?









The detroit Lions.”

“LOL!

What do the Lions and Billy Gramm have in common?









They are the only two who can make 73,000 people in a stadium say "Jesus christ!" at the same time!”

“There once was a guy that found himself at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asked him to recite a good deed that he had done to pass the gates and enter heaven.
The man started thinking. The first thing that came to mind was that he gave a homeless person a quarter one time. St. Peter smiled and said no that would not be enough.
Then the man told him about another deed. He said that a motorcycle gang of about 20 guys were giving a girl a hard time in a parking lot. I walked right up to the leader. He was a big guy about 6'5" 300 lbs and covered with tattoos. I told he if they wanted to bother this girl they would have to go through my dead body first. St. Peter smiled and said. Yes, that was very noble and brave, you may now enter heaven. Oh, by the way when did that happen. The guy answered " about 30 seconds ago."”

“There once was two very old guys playing golf. One of the men hit his ball off the course into the woods. He went looking for his ball. While walking in the woods he heard a voice. He went to see where the voice was coming from. He looked down and saw a frog. The frog said " kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful woman. I will be very thankful. I will do anything that you ask." The man reaches down and picks up the frog.
He walks out and shows the frog to his friend. Again the frog speaks " please kiss me. I will turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. Then to show you how thankful I am. I will do anything you ask." The man walks over to his golf bag, unzips one of the pockets and puts the frog in the pocket, then zips it up. His friend runs over and asks. Didn't you hear what that frog said? The old man replies, yes, I heard, but at my age, I would rather have a talking frog.”

“Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Only one but it takes an entire emergency room staff to get it out.”

“What's the difference between an anal and an oral thermometer?







Taste!! EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW”

“Baby planes

A mother and her son were flying Desertwest Airline from Kansas City to Chicago.

The young lad, who had been looking out the window .
turned to his mother and asked "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby planes ? "

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the lad asked the stewardess " If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have
baby planes?"

The stewardess responded. " Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

"Yes" the lad admitted " that was the case "

"Well then" she replied tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Desertwest always pulls out on time.

Your mother can explain that to you.”

“LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man...I need a beer after that.”

“good one lyndy...”

“lmao Lyndys!”

“Only a woman would
understand

go ahead it's funny!”

“If You receive an email entitled "Bedtimes, " delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 1-800 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone.

If you are a blonde, this is a joke”

“Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered."

The second responds,
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says,
"No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys
always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than
you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains and no spine and the head and the
ass are interchangeable”

“Q: How many Pagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A; None

Pagans don't screw in lighbulbs, they screw in circles.


(redundant,but cute)”

“Q: What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.”

“7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
668-the neighbor of the Beast

A computer beat me at chess once, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“How do you get down off of an elephant?

You don't get down off of an elephant, you get down off of a duck.”

“The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The
president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a
Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's
Arthur Guiness's turn. He orders a soda...

"Why didn't you order a Guiness?" everyone asks.

"Nah," Guiness replies, "if you guys aren't having beer, then
neither will I."”

“Hi,

My name is Tarp Rat...

I have been on this board since it began... I started many a thread and helped many people with choosing the right gear (TNF). And I left the board in 2001 because many of the threads became racist after 9-11 and I felt that I no longer wanted to associate with these people. I recently came back and started to voice my opinions about the current crisis in Iraq. I know many people disagree with me, and that's fine! However, I should be allowed to state my views just as everyone else. I was recently banned from the board, my IP disabled. I was told this was because of my off-topic posting, but this is a false claim because the threads I was posting to were completely off topic and unrelated to backpacking in the first place. I just wanted to say that this is unfair. Have a nice day… and let the games begin!

;-o”

“The Lakers beat the Dallas Mavericks the other night for the 25th straight time in Los Angeles. The streak is getting out of hand. In fact, it is so bad that today the Dixie Chicks said they were embarrassed the Mavericks were from Texas.”

“Tonight President Bush warned, "Don’t be too gleeful, there are still pockets of resistance. Barbra Streisand, the Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandon..."”

“Some Iraqis are looting the presidential palaces, taking stationary, ashtrays, pillows, even a grand piano. Reporters say they haven’t seen looting like this since Clinton’s last days in the white house...”

“The military said we’ll be able to confirm Saddam is dead through DNA testing. We actually have a sample of his DNA. Isn’t that amazing? So apparently Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA now.”

“maybe they have one of his dresses...”

“Saddam Hussein has a meeting with all of his look-a-likes. The good news, says Hussein, is that I am still alive. The bad news is, I've lost an arm and an eye...”

“YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN MISSISSIPPI IN JULY WHEN. . . .


The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly”

“italian talking english:

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel.
Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast.

I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast.
She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I want two piss.
She say go to the toilet.
I say, you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate.
She say, you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma biatch.
I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma biatch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fokk.
I tella her I wanna fokk.
She tell me everyone wanna fokk.
I tell her you no understand.
I wanna fokk on the table.
She say, you better not fokk on the table, you sonna ma biach.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shlts onna my bed.
Call the manager and tella him I wanna shlt.
He tell me to go to toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna shlt on my bed.
He say you better not shlt onna bed, you sonna ma biatch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you".
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma biatch, I gonna back to Italy...

dang, I had to change the words...
last edited: 1/26/05 3:39:18 PM”

“"Don't Fart during Surgery"

”

“What the heck are "surgical spirits?" If they're alcohol based, that'd sting like heck, and if its petroleum based, ouch???”

“Now you tell me!”

“Q: How do pigs fight?

























A: DIRTY!!!”

“Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull#&%!$ might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.”