Another joke thread

“A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of
pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."”

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be
changed regularly, and for the same reason.”

“Old Biker Babe


A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded
biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You
have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points
to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a
day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by
the Fuzz?"

The little old lady says "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."”

“Second Opinion


A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he
stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You
aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better
make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of
breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are
you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."”

“A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help
you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one
hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges
fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My
father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about
your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."

Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know
what he charges for Elmer."”

“President Bush is representing the United States of America on a
> highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At
> Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air
> Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake
> from Queen Elizabeth II.
>
> They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of
> central London where they board an open 17th century coach
> hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. As they ride
> toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the
> thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going
> well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most
> horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic
> flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda,
> Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.
>
> Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do
> their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen
> decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains,
> "Mr. President, please accept my regrets....I'm sure you
> understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot
> control".
>
> George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "You Majesty,
> please don't give the matter another thought......you know, if
> you hadn't said something would have thought it was one of the
> horses."”

“The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the
> >Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to
> >bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated
> >
> >Wash. Biol. Surv.
> >
> >until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
> >
> > "Dear Sirs:
> >
> >While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a
> >crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want
> >to tell you it was horrible."
> >
> >The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."”

“I didn't get the last joke.”

“Why is Chelsea Clinton sooo ugly?











You would be too if Janet Reno was your Father....”

“Bacpac, the instructions said; Wash. Boil. Serve”

“Stan, I am from Arkansas, I still don't get it.

Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck”

“An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from
his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol,
and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night.

"What about my sex life?" asked the old man "Will it be all right for me
to have intercourse?"

"Only with your wife," said the doctor. "We don't want you to get too
excited."”

“Partying With The Boys


A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of
going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck)
partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of
epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating,
his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple
of days?!?"

"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday went by with the same result.

Wednesday went by with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little,
just out of the corner of his left eye.”

“Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus”

“Smart Johnny


A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the
third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher
agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he
agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader
should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go
to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"

Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."”

“Young Widow


The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt.

She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."”

“A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

***************************************
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it
over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or
stay
out!'"

**************************************
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she
said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
Little voice: "The big sissy."

**************************************
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle,
carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing
in a
loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

************************************
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's
sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little
girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor
leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone,"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

*****************************
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently talk to the child. Smiling sweetly, the school
teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly
faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and
replied, "Well, Ms. Smith you can't say you weren't warned."”

“Chapped Lips

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting,
he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't
shine.

An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."”

“In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf
beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in
particular,
"gosh...if
I go down three inches... I will feel the mist from
the water and I
will be
refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking,
"gosh...if that fly

goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "gosh...if
that fly goes down
three
inches...that fish will jump for the fly...and I
will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the
bank of the lake
preparing
to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if
that fly goes down three inches... and that fish
leaps for it... that
bear
will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll
shoot the bear and have
a
proper lunch."

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
"gosh...if that fly goes
down
three inches...and that fish jumps for that
fly...and
that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter
will shoot the bear and
drop
his cheese sandwich.

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and
thought,as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular
lake around lunchtime.

"gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and
that
fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for
that fish and that
hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off
with the cheese
sandwich....then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the
cooling
mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... the
bear grabs the
fish...
the hunter shoots the bear... the mouse grabs the
cheese sandwich...
The
cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The
cat falls into the
water
and drowns.

The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some =^..^=
is in danger.”

“A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1999 Turbo Roadster. It is the best and the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while doing so, stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000."

That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car alright!".

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320.

Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhooooooossssssshhhhhhh!

The guy wonders, "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Roadster?". Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be, " thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster?

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whoooooooshhhhhhhhhka-BbbbbblaMMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. This guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt for certain. The guy runs up to the injured old man and asks "you're hurt bad? Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies:

"Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"

One of my dad's jokes.”

“An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town
and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for
the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he
could play with because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.
Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and
would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said,
"I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite
well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand
traps." And he did play well.

Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it
landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting
from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on
the green and rolled into the hole!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was
still standing. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said
you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the Octogenarian, "I do! Please give me a hand."”

“Two peanuts were walking down the street.












One was a salted.”

“Q. What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull
humping your leg?
A. You let the pit bull finish.”

“A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this
year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"”

“Trucker Food


A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has
a large trucker
sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires
and a couple of
headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I
think this
guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side
up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order
this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while
you're waiting for
your parts you might as well gas up.


********************************************


I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me
paranoid.


********************************************


Going Downtown


A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to
"go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in
front of him and
starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her
head this way
and that, studying the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort
of peeved voice
"Well, what the f--k are you doing?"

She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown
with no money....
just looking."


Fugifoo


An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local
hooker and was
going at it all night with her. She kept
screaming "Fujifoo,
Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese
counterparts and he got a
hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he
said "Fujifoo".

The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you
got the right
hole."


********************************************


Lucky Day



********************************************


What We're Eating


A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to
clean and serve
the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy
eaters, and won't
eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell
them. His little
boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"

"You'll see", says his dad.

They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking
what they're
eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother
sometimes calls
me."

His daughter screams... "Don't eat it Jimmy, its an
@sshole!!"


********************************************


Clock Shop


Bob is walking down the street and enters a clock and
watch shop. While
looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female
clerk behind the
counter. He walks up to the counter where she is
standing, unzips his
pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the
counter.

"What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock
shop!!"

Bob replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and
a face put on
this!"


********************************************


Goat Screwing


A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door
and it is
opened by a little boy.

The man asks the boy, "Where is your mother?"

The boy states, "She's in the backyard, screwing the
goat."

The man tells the boy, "Son, it's not nice to make up
stories like
that!"

The boy says, "Come on in and I'll show you."

So the taxman follows the little boy to the back of the
house and looks
out the window into the backyard. There, he sees a woman
screwing a
goat. Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says, "That is
gross! Doesn't
that bother you?"

The little boy answers, "Naaaaaaaaah!"


********************************************


Hollywood is the only place you can wake up in the
morning and hear the
birds coughing in the trees.
---Joe Frisco”

“Have you heard this one before?

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don?t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

(You're gonna love this)

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a BARBITCHYOUATE."”

“Ok, this one was old when the world was young. But, since nobody has posted it yet...

There's a brothel at the top of a hill. There are three hikers. One going up. One coming down. And, one in the brothel. What are there nationalities?










The one going up is Russain.
The one coming down is Finnish.
And the one up there is Himalayan.

At least one person is going to miss this joke.”

“A monkey and a zebra were best friends. They rode through the jungle every day - the monkey on the zebra's back. One day the zebra wandered into some quicksand and began to sink. The monkey jumped up into a tree. The zebra called to the monkey, "Save me, monkey, Save me!!"

The monkey grabbed a vine and tied it around the zebra and pulled with all his might but couldn't budge the zebra. The monkey had an idea. He ran into the parking lot and found a red Corvette with the keys in the ignition. He started it up and drove back into the jungle, tied the vine to the bumper and pulled the zebra from the quicksand.

The next day they were in the same place when the zebra remembered the quicksand and stopped quickly before he walked into it. Unfortunately the monkey fell of the zebra's back and into the quicksand.

The monkey yelled for the zebra to go get the red Corvette and pull him out but, the zebra couldn't drive. The zebra thought for a minute and came up with an idea...

He started thinking of all the girl zebras he knew and of how much fun he had when he was with them. Sure enough his old zebra ween!e started to grow and grow. Soon it was long enough for the monkey to grab hold of and the zebra pulled his friend to safety.

The moral of the story?





If you have a big enough d!ck you don't need a red Corvette.”

“Apologies in advance...

Two hunters were out in the woods, and left from camp in different directions, scouting. At the end of the day, they compared notes, with the first one reporting the usual. The second one then proceeded to tell his buddy about coming to a railroad track, following it, and coming across a beautiful woman tied to the railroad tracks.
She was so hot, the guy thought he was in heaven. He told of untying her and making love to her in every way possible for hours and hours and hours until he couldn't go anymore.

Jealous but impressed, his buddy asked him ?Didja get a blowjob??
?No? he replied.
?Why not?? asked the buddy.
?I couldn?t find her head?”

“Love My Dentist


Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen
the dentist.

She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her
dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, " Marsha your 34 years old, your beautiful, you have
dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?"

"Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't
SWALLOW. "”

“Le Subtil, that's pretty gross. But it reminds me of this story; Three men and a gorgeous lady crashlanded on an island. After 3 weeks the lady commits suicide because she was so ashamed of what the guys were doing to her. Two weeks later, the guys finally bury her because they were so ashamed of what they were still doing to her. One week later they dug her up because they were so ashamed of what they were doing to each other!!!”

“A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom
is preparing a
meal
and says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to
this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and
when I look to see
what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing
up
and down.

Why are you doing that?

"The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your
dad is a little
overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal
size. I
bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom,
you're wasting
your
time, because once a week, when you go shopping, that
good-looking lady next door comes over and blows
daddy right back up!"”

“Little Johnny is driving his mom bonkers, so to get him out of her hair, she sends him down the road to watch the carpenters build a house.
Later when little Johnny returns, his mom asks him if he had learned anything.
Johnny replies:
"First, you put the goddam door in.
Then, you take the !$%& out 'cause the piece of s**t is too tall.
Then you shave a c***hair off the top, and put the sumbitch back in.
Mortified, mom tells Johnny "go fetch me a switch, young man"
To which Johnny replies "F*** You, that's the electrician's job"”

“=== Train Delay ===

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She
heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of
bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this
is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning
and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're
going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room
and stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may go back
and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom, and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother
heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the
train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under
your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We
hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
today."

Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed
off about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."”

“A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For
a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look
mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really
your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a
funeral van for the last 25 years.”

“Knock Knock”

“Who's there?”

“It is I, your worst nightmare! Now quit playing stupid games and get to work!”

“Twice A Day


This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, Doctor you've gotta help
me.
I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers
back.

"That's not so much", says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary,
TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute,
TWICE a day," says the man.

"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor.

"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."”

“A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive
country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most
aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no
more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no
more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young
woman
on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."”

“Q. What's the difference between a golfer and a climber?

A. A golfer goes "Whack.....Sh*t."
A climber goes "Sh*t....whack."”

“Thank you gecko, I'm going climbing tomorrow and now I'm sure I'll have wonderful dreams tonight.”

“Taking Care Of The Gorilla

A small Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
gorilla, but she was difficult to handle and moody. The
park vet discovered that the gorilla was in heat, but there
were no male gorillas available. The park administration,
thinking about how to handle the problem, noticed Joe Bob,
the part-time intern responsible for cleaning animal cages
and approached him with a proposition. The administration
asked Joe Bob if he would be willing to satisfy the gorilla
for $100. Joe Bob said he'd have to think about that one.
The following day, he found the park administration and
said he would do it, but only under three conditions:
"I don't want to have to kiss her."
"You must never tell anyone about this."
And last but not least:

"You've gotta give me a week to come up with the hundred
bucks."”

“Cool down Reptile, this is a joke thread.
Also, Look out for the bird sh!t on the rocks.
LOL”

“We need a good joke thread reserection!

A guy walks into a bar and hears the most wonderful piano music he?s ever heard. He asks the bartender, ?Where is that music coming from??

The bartender replies, ?From the other end of the bar.?

The man looks down the bar and sitting at a tiny piano is a man no more than 1? tall playing his heart out.

?Where did you find him??, the man asked.

?The bartender points to a lamp next to the piano and says, ?From the magic lamp.?

?Can I try it??, he asks.

?Have at it?, the bartender says.

The man starts rubbing the hell out of the lamp while repeating, ?I want a million bucks! I want a million bucks!?.

A short time later in walking through the door are thousands upon thousands of ducks.

The man shouts, ?Hey! I never asked for a million DUCKS!?

The bartender calmly replied, ?Yeah, and I never said I wanted a 12? pianist either!?”

“A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign behind the bar that reads: ?handjobs $10, Grilled Cheese Sandwiches $5?

The guy looks at the pretty girl behind the bar and asks, ?Hey Sweety, are you the one in charge of the handjobs??

?Why, yes I am Sugar.?, she says sweetly.

?Well how about you go wash your hands and make me a sandwich??”

“CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan.”

“What's the difference between a single woman and a married woman? A single woman comes home from work, sees there's nothing new in the fridge and goes to bed. A married woman comes home from work, sees that there's nothing new in the bed, and goes to the fridge.”

“What is the difference between my pregnant wife (if she was) and a lightbulb?



You can unscrew a lightbulb!”

“What did the three legged dog say when he walked in the saloon?







I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.”