For Men Only

“Feminine Language

A must-read for all men.
Keywords and their meanings:

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example:
"Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night."
If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome."

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only
say "Nothing."

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...”

“What if a guy says, "You look fiiiine!" I usually take that as a compliment.”

“You're wrong!!!

Every thing they say leads to an argument.”

“You must have met some pretty diagreeable girls, Tea.”

“Seems awfully familiar to me, but then, I'm bitter and twisted.”

“For every unreasonable woman there is an unreasonable man.
Should you accept the "mission" of life, it is up to you to make your own way.

Good luck!

This message will self-destruct in five seconds.”

“Hey, I'm just a sensitive new age guy.”

“Newgirl, you look fiiiiiiiiiiine!”

“Pffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttt! :-P”

“Especially that last one...”

“I would say that is 100% right on the money!!!!!

8)”

“are like thorns from a cactus...all these thoughts bring back the stings of marriage. Oh how true the truth is.”

“What happened to Kleety? I thought his squirrel had the balls in the family.”

“Well spoken Gordon & Kleetn,
I'd say LOL! but Tom or Violin would jump me so I'll just say I laughed.”

“LMAO bacpac....8)”

“These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines Day, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.”

“Crackin' up here...Surprisingly - none of these comments really apply to my marriage... JK”

“LMAO @ Chief. I especially like the 16 colors bit.

"Cut the cyan colored wire!

Isn't that greenish?"”

“If there ever was a sanctioned HMWH Club thread, this is it.

Rock on brothers!”

“I think women are great. We are all different with our charming little ways, very powerful in a disarming way.”

“Lips, I agree with you.

Splash, I think Chief's list is very funny...and I think it takes as many jabs at men as it takes at women.”

“Good list Chief.

8)”

“Now everbodies afraid to post here because that might be considered a womam basher.

What a crock!!!! This thread was aptly titled, "FOR MEN ONLY" and was all in jest.”

“I love women, the keep me guessing...

I understand databases, computer programming, networking, the basics of a 4 stroke engine, how to build a muscle, football, guns, orienting a map with or without a compass...

I just don't understand women... I'd like to, I try, somethings are just tooo complicated for a knuckle dragger like me!”

“Girls rock in my book!

Backpacking girls are even better!


8)”

“I think I like crazy mike;-)”

“I like you too.

8)”

“Aww shucks.”

“I like to think that there is a girl out there that likes backpacking as much as I do and some day we will meet.


8)


Sparks will fly then!!!!”

“You'll find her one day mike. Heck, I like backpacking better than my Honey does.”

“Hey, Mikey. You might like to have a wife who doesn't backpack. It works well for me.”

“i agree w dunaden. i think it would work out better that way, as long as she doesn't try to tell you that you don't like backpacking cause she doesn't”

“That mindreading bit works both ways--speak up for pity sweet sake.”

“I don't know if I could deal with my wife if she was into backpacking. My wife is more like my base camp/trail angel/ride to the trail head.”

“I would kill to be able to have a girlfriend that liked backpacking as much as I do.


8)”