Wouldn't you like to meet this guy...

“A classic!

For a price this guy will work on your PA too.

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There is a chap in Newport, RI, named Scott Williams who digs things
out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian
Institute, labeling them with his own scientific names, insisting that
they are actual archaeological finds. This man really exists and does
this in his spare time. Those of us, who are challenged to respond to
difficult situations in writing, should aspire to be as eloquent as Mr.
Rowe, Smithsonian Institute, 207 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC
20078. Anyway... here's the response from the Smithsonian.

Dear Mr. Williams:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 93211-D,
layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have
given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to
inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two
million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the
head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has
small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those
of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe
to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that
there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen, which might
have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the
earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent
with the teeth-marks of the common domesticated dog than it
is consistent with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you
speculated roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the
evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into
too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a
dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to
the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation and partly
due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent
geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were
produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce
wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.

Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the
acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down
because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't
really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your
generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While
it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet
another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to
accumulate here so effortlessly.

You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in
his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously
submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily
on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have
discovered in your Newport backyard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the 'trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix' that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator - Antiquities”

“OKaaaaay...The guy has way too much time on his hands...He might be a good one for BS'ing around a campfire though...”

“That is absolutely hilarious.”