Helping a troubled teen

“I need everyone's help.
OK. Here's the situation. A friend of my wife has a son that has a lot of problems. He's only 14 years old, very angry, and get's into a lot of trouble. He's been expelled from several different schools, and has even been arrested. They don't know what else to do with him. They've tried everything short of making him a ward of the state.
Currently, my wife is staying with them for a while(long story). She has told him a lot about me and I guess that he idolizes me. I am an orienteer/tracker and she told his parents I would come down to see if I could teach him what I know (which really isn't all that much). I think that this is a great idea. But, I can only get two weeks of leave. I have never been involved in anything like this before, and am probably making more of this than I should.
So! I would appreciate any suggestions, ideas, words of encouragement from anyone.
I am taking this very seriously. A young persons life could be changed by what I do. Then again, maybe not. I want to try!”

“Are you going to take him on an outing (backpacking, Dayhiking)?
Where do you live?”

“Get him involved in the Boy Scouts. Good values and hanging with young men that have other things to do besides getting into trouble. Good Luck.”

“I live in Illinois, he lives in a very remote area of South Carolina. I have already bought the quads of his area and pretty much plan on teaching him how to use a map and compass, and how to enjoy nature. I'm just not sure on how to do it. I've never been around where he lives, so I don't know any of the area.
I think my wife explained me to him as some sort of mountain man, which I am not. I just have a profound love of nature.”

“Trlhikr.
That's a good idea.
I've never been involoved with the scout's before, I don't really know that much about them. I've heard all of the stories and excellent times they have. I just don't know, from what I've heard, how he'll adjust to an organized club (he's very antisocial but very outdoorsy so it may work).
I will definatley check it out though. Thank you.
See, it's these kind of things that I don't thnk of and that's why I need everyone's help.”

“I have a 16 yr old boy and a 15 yr old boy. I can identify with your problem BIGTIME.
14 is a difficult age. No matter how good they have it, they feel like the whole world is against them. It will pass, if they can keep from going to prison or getting killed. (sorry for being morbid).

Is there not a father present?

You are a good person for sacrificing so much to try to help. and you may be able to turn this kid around, but don't get your hopes up. Let me put that another way; your help may not realize any obvious change. He needs to know that someone cares, though he will likely outwardly reject any help, he will benefit.

I hope this makes sense, I had a few St. Pauli Girls tonight around the campfire, which I don't do often, but this is a subject close to my heart and I feel for you.
Craig”

“Is it possible to hook up with him in the Smokies? That would probably be a good halfway place and would be easy to explain topo maps (contour lines to ridges) and if he gets out in nature long enough, it could put some peace in his soul.
I had a cousin from Virginia that was about like that. My Aunt & Uncle put her in a thing kinda like boot camp for kids. All these "problem) teens were given supplies and put out in a vast area and given instructions to make it to another checkpoint. Then another & another & ect. The program was designed to make them work as a team and learn responsibility. I believe it helped to put her on the right track.”

“Le Subtil,
He's definately on a path to prison. I have never met him but I have been told about him for about 3 years through my wife. I am ready for attitude, negativism, and anything else.
His 'real' father works for some company in China, so obviously, he can't really see him as much as he would like. That is probably the main reason for his actions. Right now, he lives with his mother and step father.
I just want to possibly introduce a skill that he can be proud of rather than shooting the local animals for fun (he killed some of the neighbors pet's a couple of years ago, that's why they moved so far out into the woods).”

“Walkindude, do you know the name of the program? Do you know how much it costs?
Hell, sounds like I could use something like that:)”

“IMMEDIATELY, not "tomorrow" or "later", hit the BSA website (http://bsa.scouting.org/)and find out which Boy Scout Troops are near him. Then contact them and ask to speak with the Scoutmaster. Discuss the youth with him and get some of his suggestions. He may well know of local resources, and may be able to help get him involved in his troop, or, recommend one that is more well suited for him.

Scouting is a WONDERFUL organization, but it's only as good as the adults who are involved. Hopefully you'll find one that can help out. I would urge you to expend your efforts in trying to find a partial solution that is more long-term in nature. You going down there for an occasional, once-in-awhile visit will not provise this young man with the consistent day-to-day support he needs.

Let me guess...his father is either an a$$hole, or not around, or both...right?”

“Wanderer,
I agree with you. My going down there once in a while will not really be of any great or lasting influence on him. I'm just hoping to peak is interest in it, and maybe he'll take off with it.
Thank you for your reinforcement of Trlhikr's post.I will absolutley check it out myself, and will tell his parent's to look into it.”

“I'll ask my dad if he remembers the name of it. He told me about it but I can't remember. This was about 7 years ago.”

“Also, Mapfreak...I applaud your effort. As a Scoutmaster I encounter people all the time who come to us with their kids, hoping we'll "help straighten them out", but do NOTHING to get involved themselves or spend any of THEIR valuable time trying to help these kids...pat yourself on the back man, you deserve something for your effort!”

“I just checked out the boy scout's web site. The closest council is only about an hours drive from where he lives.
This is getting good. I thank you all for your ideas.
I remember when I was fourteen, I wish I had people like you to come together to help me out whenever I needed help.”

“Map, where have ya been? Good to see ya back.
Is he into it or do the women think it will be good for him. Where would he like to go? He doesn't get to make many decisions at his age. Rather than you taking him, maybe he needs to learn that he is a stakeholder in his choices. Together, with your guidance he can set the itinerary, meals, calculate the budget, coordinate the transportation. You know, do the work which mature responsible people need to do to assure their safety and enjoyment. A "primer" for him to study could be the BSA Fieldbook which has the useful info but not the advancement requirements of scouting. If he is as "hard" as you make him sound, the scouting program may not be the proper venue as they have lots of laws and may be reluctant to put up withh his shenaningans. It sounds like he doesn't need rejection or scorn.
Good luck to you both and Happy Trails.”

“Mapfreak,
I work around kids that have been in alot of trouble..I work at a foster care network that try to place kids that for one reason or another have been booted out of regular foster homes. I ,like you, only have them for a short while and have discovered to not try too hard ,just have fun with him ,watch him like a hawk,but treat him like any other kid you would take out on a trip. Most of the time they can maintain long enough to have fun. I think the one on one time is what they really need. Just don't try to be his hero you'r not equiped to handle that kind of pressure. Hey just let him know you want to spend some time with him because you care about him. Relax. His parents should really get him some professional help, he could have any number of physical or mental disorders.
My piont of veiw.”

“Flyguy6x,
I was kind of put out and hurt by the last argument that I had on this site, so I decided to stay away. But, with all that aside, I thought that this would be the best place to go for more ideas on how to introduce someone to nature and how to truly enjoy it.
From what I understand, he's an intellegent young man and has a deep interest in the outdoors. I know he's not "hard", but just in need of something. Stacey (my wife) say's he's actually a really sweet kid. I can't positively say right now.
I'm looking forward to trying though for his and my sake.
P.S. He actually REFUSED to see his father until after I came to see him. Does that add more stress or what?”

“Mapfreak
I can't say that I remember you here before but I'm glad you found your way back.
I e-mailed my Dad and ask him if he remembered the name of that program. I wish you the best of luck with the kid.”

“Map, I know the last time you were around, it got ugly, and your absence was noticed by at least one. There is no arguing with some of the knuckleheads on this site, but for the most part, most posters can disagree AND remain civil!
Wolfsis makes an excellant point. This kid is seeing a "Worry Doctor", I hope. I'm not sure you should be apprized of his mental "condition" if you just wish to remain a hiking buddy. Sounds like he could use one. He'd probably fill you in around the campfire anyway.”

“wolfsister,
I do agree that he needs some kind of help other than me taking him camping. His mother and step father are wonderful people. They are very hard workers, which in turn leaves them with little time of thier own. As you can see, I have very limited information about him. I thank you for your help.
P.s. If you ant to see where he lives, check out the Grover quad on Topozone. He lives right on the Edisto river. Think like a 14 year old. His world probably encompasses a 1 square mile area or less.”

“Walkindude,
I've been around here 1998. I used to post under the name of Capt Eo. I didn't post very often then either. I pretty much just lurked. Then I decided to change my name to one that I felt suited me better and about two day's later, I got into a pretty deep moralistic fight about racism on this site. I haven't been back until tonight.
I still think this is the best place for any kind of info about the outdoors around.”

“Don't try to change his innate nature...work with it. Adolescent angst and hate are, unfortunately, part of growing up for many youths. Most kids have this to some degree...some waaaaay more than others

I had a cousin who was put in a "tough love-like" program where they spent time in the middle of wilderness with no way out but to do what it took to survive. Fortunately, he changed dramatically for the better.

Sounds like a pretty tough job for you. Don't expect dramatic results. If he digs the outdoors, by all means, get him out.

Good luck!”

“Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6
Notice the results will be when he is OLD not now!”

“I work with a "hoods in the woods" program as well as couple other outfits that work with kids that have not yet ended up with a criminal record. The one thing that all these programs have in common is "the outdoor experience". As you know, the outdoors can teach self reliance, team work, trust and confidence.

We do 10 day wilderness trips with the Hood's in the woods program and have the kids spend 3 of those days on solo....most of the kids have done at least 6 trips with us, they tend to open up to us about things that their counselors never dreamed were going in their lives, let alone what was going on at home...many times what we heard was the cause of most of their issues and problems....most of the things I have heard I would like to forget, unfortunately drugs, alcohol and abuse are more common then most of us would like to admit.

Most kids need structure in there lives, and someone they can trust...I think you will find that the time you spend together, teaching him your skills, will help develop this trust... you may be surprised at what you hear.

It sounds like what he may need most right now is someone he can learn to trust and talk to, a big brother or a dad, that may be the best thing you can do right now, and the woods are a great place to do it. I know it changed my life, if I hadn't had someone take me on my first backpacking/climbing trip 30 years ago, I would either be dead or in jail right now.

You may be able to change a life, go for it!”

“YEAH, I know who you are now. I wondered what happened to you. We still get contriversial threads once in a while but I find it best to just ignor them.”

“Mapfreak, a thought. Is it possible that he's very wrought up emotionally from his parents' divorce? Do you have any idea when it happened? Sometimes these things can leave emotional scars that can lead to these things... (I speak from experience.) Other times it's less evident.
Have you looked into the outward bound program? www.outwardbound.com I don't know if they do work with troubled teens, but they do run guided outdoor programs in a variety of different activities...”

“mapfreak, I agree with flyguy6x. Fourteen year olds often are frustrated by the lack of control over their lives, at a time when they are starting to feel like an adult. Maybe you can give him an outline of places and activities that he can choose from. With some books, he could plan the details and make up the packing lists of gear and food. You could review it with him, make updates, and then go into the woods with him, letting him do as much as possible, with your guidance. Once he is hooked, he will want to spend a lot of time working to be able to buy gear and go on different trips, and he won't have time to kill domestic animals. Anyway, good luck and thanks for bringing this question up on this site. It is great to see how helpful to youth a lot of TT'ers are.”

“mapfreak,...I feel for you in what you`re doing and about to take on. I`m doing about the same thing with some young adults where I live and it has started openng up a new world to them and to me. I didn`t know when I reached out to them that it would help me so much too. These young people have been into trouble too, but they`re not bad people. At first I had about all I could do to get them to do a thing with me, but it changed pretty fast once I got them away from town and the things they knew.

Funny, they didn`t know they shared my love for the mountains till they got to see `em up close for themselves. They love to rock hop and bust out a new trail and see what`s over the next ridge as much as I do now. I`m no longer their teacher in the thing, I learn from them too and together we have had some great times.

I can`t walk with them, but I put them on a trail and tell them what they`ll see and what to look out for and how I remember it. I pick them up on the other side and they tell me how it has changed and what it looks like now. I like looking through their eyes and getting to share their adventures with them. They have turned around, but I can`t take much credit in it, they helped each other find their way and they`ve found out there is more to life. It`s still going on and we cooked out last night, we didn`t go anywhere, they just met up over at my house and we talked about the places I`ve taken them to and the ones they`d like to see next. I sure miss showing my own kids things like that, but for now, these new kids will do.

You can make a differance, maybe not in his life like you want it to be, but it will change you and if you`re very lucky, he will come away with some of your love and a love for things wild.

Good Luck......”

“I don't know if someone with as many personal family issues as mapfreak is the best person to be counciling wayward youths. If this kid can't deal with mapfreak's biracial heritage will mapfreak lash out against him like he has done to his family? How is that going to help?

I think this is a case where the counselor is the one who needs the counselling.”

“So, bacpac... why don't YOU volunteer?”

“I talked to my Dad He said the Mormon Church had the program that my Uncle's daughter was taken to.
He took her to Utah and she didn't know what was going to happen. A man met
them at the airport and she was taken to the desert with some other kids.
They had to live in the desert and learn to work together before they could
go home.”

“obi, Sure send me his address.”

“Bacpac volunteer?!
I want to try to help with his problems. Not turn him into a clansman.
He already knows about my bi-racial heritage, and he doesn't care. Already he's more adjusted than Bacpac.
You all have really good ideas. I thank you very much. I'll be going there in about two weeks, I'll let you know how it goes.
I'll also check out Outward bound. Iv'e seen it on TV and I think it would be great.”

“This kid is doomed.”

“null”

“You know bacpac, in Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal Lector teaches a fellow inmate how to swallow his tongue. You want to try swallowing your tongue for us?”

“Sorry, you have a right to your opinion.”

“But if you should swallow your tongue, would you please post a photo for us?”

“Scouting is great, but a 14 year old will be better placed in an Explorer Post or Venture Unit than a Boy Scout troop.

Another person I know went through all that will his son. The description was so identical it is scary. It was hell. The boy is 18 now, on his own, and doing OK...as long as he takes his medication. He was mis-diagnosed by the shrinks originially. When they got it right, things got a little better, as I recall.

I will copy him on this thread...he may have some insights.”

“I can't swallow my tounge, but I can put my foot in my mouth.”

“Phil,
That would be great. No-one knows better than someone who's been through it personally.”

“I sent him the URL for this thread. We'll see if he responds. If you want, send me your email address. Mine is: prrosenkrant@csupomona.edu”

“mapfreak -

I applaud your efforts, another idea is to get in touch with the social workers from the county in which he resides or even yours and ask what suggestions they may have. There may even be funding available for these "scared straight" programs people have been mentioning.

Good Luck and ignore bacpac..there are too many other good folks on here to let one or two ignorant people (and their opinions)spoil your quest.

God Bless You!”

“I think this kid is way too troubled to be put in the boyscouts. Why do that to the other scouts? My neighbor to her bad grandkid in and it didn't help. He did distructive things to our bldg. and cars. You have no business interfering in the parents relationship with this child. He needs to bond with them, not you.

He needs therapy, not a "walk in the woods". Get your wife out of there pronto. Your best recourse to help would be to lend or give the parents money for psychiatric care. He may need meds. You're crazy for letting your wife be around him. He could rape her or kill her. Jefferey Daumer started out by killing animals.”

“Paranoid, LH?”

“A doobie ought to calm him down!”

“oh, man.

i actually agree with LH.”

“Am I the only one concerned that a social misfit like mapfreak has appointed himself therapist to the maladjusted?

This guy can certainly do more harm than good.”

“Mapfreak not to be disouraging but...I taught the same group of kids at church from 2nd to 8th grade at my church. The time it takes to form a bond and the necessary trust is looooong. I applaude your desire to help but dont expect a drastic change without a relationship.”

“Mapfreak: I have a few suggestions.

Its obvious that you are a good and caring person to be willing to take on this challenge and to take it seriously. Exposure to a good and decent Man is likely to be a good thing for a 14 year old boy.

Try to take the kid out for a number of days. Have fun. Don't try to save him or do therapy. Don't push too hard to get him to open up. Let him tell you what he knows. Take yourself off the hook. You can't save him and you aren't his last chance. Neither of you need the baggage that comes along with having you perform a two week rescue. But you can provide a positive and healthy experience.

My older son is 14. At that age he can be almost an equal on the trail. He can carry his pack, set up the tent, work the stove and cook food. If you can be in charge, but still show him some respect and let him take responsibility that can be a good thing. SImple direct honest praise and acknowledgement can help a lot: "thanks" "great" "good job" and things of that sort.

Also, watch out to see what he can't do, what he struggles with. Sometimes kids that age would rather look obnoxious, spaced or inattentive rather than show that they can't do things that shouldn't be that hard. At 12, my son really couldn't organize and pack his backpack (he takes pride in doing it well now) in the morning... it seemed quite simple to me and it was easy to assume that he was being lazy. I ended up letting him cook and clean while I packed the packs.

Oh, also, don't get too caught up in particular goals or destinations. That can just add to the stress.

Let me know how this works out, either by post or by email. Also, email if you want to go into this more. I'm supposed to know a little about stuff like this.”