Too funny!

“This is one of the funniest things I've ever heard!

Go to Bob and Tom Show, select "Da Vinci's Notebook" and take a listen to "My Enormous Peni$"

There is a QuickTime streaming video (DSL, cable or faster connection recommended) or an audio file.”

“I wrote a similar song. It's called 'The MicroPhallus Blues'.”

“Bob and Tom funny?!?

Not in this lifetime!!!”

“I know what I'm singin' in the shower this morning!”

“It was a guest apperance by an acapella group on the show. Bob & Tom had little to do with the funniness of this song.”

“How to keep a healthy level of insanity...Do three of these per day.

"Insanity is a tool, use it well." - Robert Clark

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend the potluck party because you're not in the mood.

23) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

24) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!""3rd time this week!!!"

26) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

28) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

29) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

30) UsE RAnDoM cAPiTaliZaTiON iN EvEryTHiNg YOu wrITe

31) Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

32) Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

33) "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

34) Slap the boss's face every time he interrupts your afternoon nap.

35) Pee up your office door, your desk or your cubicle and growl at anyone that comes near.

36) Follow delivery men around in pure James Bond style, but make it very obvious.

37) Persistantly call your bosses 'sweetcheeks' and wink at them in front of everyone.

38) Whenever you answer the phone, do so in a french accent, and slowly change it to a japanese accent.

39) Belch loudly over the intercom, then ask if anyone wants to hear a fart.

40) When the boss starts talking to you, open and drink a bottle of ketchup.

41) Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.

42) Turn your monitor facing the wall, if anyone asks what you're doing, say that this is the most interesting side of the monitor

43) Have races in the corridors with chairs that don't have wheels on them

NEW! Added 27th April 2002. With thanks to John

44) Hold open automatic doors for people.

45) Threaten to jump out of a ground floor window.

46) Bring empty crisps and buscuit packets and sandwich bag to work in your packed lunch box and pretend to eat it. Make sure the wrappers are different each day, you need variety in life.

47) Replace the mouse with a real mouse.

48) Delibrately get colleagues names wrong.

49) Ask at a newsagent if they will read the paper to you or at least give you the general jist of it.

50) Eat stink bombs before french kissing.

51) Drive to work and walk back.

52) Ask to borrow a pencil, snap it infront of their face, then point at the car park and ask which one is theirs.

53) Wear socks on the outside of your shoes.

54) End all sentences with ".co.uk".

55) Play bagpipes in meetings.

56) Go to an interview, act like your the interviewer.

57) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

58) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".

59) While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

60) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

61) Poke holes in the bottoms of all the styraphome coffee cups in the break room.”

“I don't see anything wrong with any of those.
8D”

“61) Poke holes in the bottoms of all the styraphome coffee cups in the break room.”


No, No, NO, poke small holes in three sides at the bottom of the styrafoam cups so the coffee 'pees' out in 3 different directions when filled.”

“some of them I actually done before. let's not go there though...”

“62) Eat 10 bean and cheese burritos 1 hour before a big meeting.”

“Hysterical!!”

“My sister-in-law asked my brother to go Christmas shopping with her. This is what he sent her in response:


http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/?mid=17033248

You can get the monkey to say whatever you want.
last edited: 12/12/06 4:56:53 PM”

“cute!”

“bol!”

“Hint...Check out the Lyra thread.”

“LMAO!”

“http://www.atypyk.com/pez/pez1.html


What to do with Pez dispensers.”

“too many questions...

Why is Pluto wearing a blindfold?
Who got tarred & feathered?
Why does Donald have a nail through his head?
Who is in the body bag?

”

“Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in
now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to
Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So
what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to
be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St.
Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble
locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the
second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota”

“Cute story.

On the list of 61 odd things to do, I didn't do any of them, but when I was a young lad (about 20) when ever anyone handed me a business card I would say, "thanks I don't mind if I do" take it and then eat it as if was some incredible delicacy. It only happened a few times, but I enjoyed freaking people out.
last edited: 12/04/07 11:25:15 AM”

“ha ha ha!”

“A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas tamps The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Well, then,give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."”

“Pretty good.... not bad.... Can't complain...........       < G >”

“Watch the dude

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eG_V4eB5PR4”

“LOL”

“there's a youtube i'd love to share with ya'll, but i doubt i can. it sure made me laugh tonight though.”

“omg....what an idiot!”

“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGBcY2IoFSg&feature=channel

LMFAO


'32oz”

“That one is a big OOPS LOL

This one had me near 'bout wrecking my car on the way to work one day..LMAO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ_DZbVONaA&feature=related”

“32 hate to destroy the honking one...but um the sensores in the Car actually would prevent that.....its a little technology thing”

“yea, and all radio pranks are fake too now. Current FCC regs make it impossible to pull anything anymore. Pranks before 2000-2002 are legit usually.”

“sitcoms are fiction too but some are still funny...which is what these are about.”

“'MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN NEWFOUNDLAND'

'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Newfies know how to get'er done)”

“LOL..too funny...”

“On a local outdoors board, we were discussing some ridiciulous law suits over serious outdoor mishaps. Someone posted a link to the following disclaimer attached to a topo that was offered for free:

The Disclaimer by Brutus of Wyde

WARNING!!

ALL INDIVIDUALS USING, REFERRING TO, TALKING ABOUT, OR THINKING ABOUT THIS TOPO MUST READ THIS!!!

This inaccurate topo is based on dim recollections, half-baked guesses, and outright lies. In NO WAY does it tell the full story. You would probably be better off just trying to find your own way up the mounatin, than you would be if you used this topo. But that statement in no way implies that I am in any way responsible if you don't use the topo, and something bad happens anyway.

Nature is unpredictable and unsafe. Mountains are dangerous. Many books have been written about these dangers, and there's no way I can list them all here. Read the books.

The area depicted by this topo is covered in steep terrain with loose, slippery and unstable footing. The weather can make matters worse. Sheer drops are everywhere. You may fall, be injured or die. There are hidden holes. You could break your leg. There are wild animals, which may be vicious, poisonous, hungry or carriers of dread diseases. These may include poisonous amphibians, reptiles, and insects; insects to which you have allergies, or whose multiple stings can cause anaphylactic shock; mammals which may include skunks, badgers, marmots, lions, tigers, and bears; predatory birds, and all other manner of beasts. Plants can be poisonous as well, and even when not poisonous, can inflict serious injury like a sharp stick in the eye. This topo, and the author of this topo, will not do anything to protect you from any of this. I do not inspect, supervise or maintain the ground, rocks, cliffs, wildlife, vegetation or other features, natural or otherwise.
Real dangers are present even on approach trails. Trails are not sidewalks, and folks have died and been seriously injured even on sidewalks when they have tripped on cracked concrete, plunged into meter boxes with missing covers, been mugged, hit by cars, had pianos fall on them... Trails can be, and are, steep, slippery and dangerous. Trail features made or enhanced by humans, such as bridges, steps, walls and railings (if any) can break, collapse, or otherwise fail catastrophically at any time. I don't promise to inspect, supervise or maintain them in any way. They may be negligently constructed or repaired. Some trails in the area are only maintained by Nelson Bighorn Sheep, who have little regard for human life or human safety, or any humans whatsoever. In summary, trails are unsafe, period. Live with it or stay away.

Stay on the trails whenever possible. The terrain, in addition to being dangerous, is surprisingly complex. You may get lost. You probably WILL get lost. The chances of getting lost multiply geometrically after the sun goes down, due to poor visibility. The sun goes down at least once a day in this area. Not to say that you won't get lost during daylight hours. In either event, carry a flashlight, extra bulb and batteries, compass, GPS, altimeter, cellular phone, food, water, matches and first aid supplies at all times. My advising you of this does not mean there are not other things you should be carrying. Carry them all as well, and know how to use them. I am not responsible for the consequences if you fail to heed this advice. In fact, I am not responsible for the consequences even if you DO heed this advice and, for example, end up in an unplanned bivy because you were carrying too much g*dd@mnstuff, stumble into the bivy fire at 2 am whenyou get up to take a p!ss, and severely burn theflesh on your hands. You have only yourself toblame, so leave me out of it.

Rocks and other objects can, and probably will, fall from the cliffs. They can tumble down slopes. This can happen naturally, or be caused by people above you, such as climbers. Rocks of all sizes, including huge boulders, can shift, move or fall with no warning. If you don't believe me check out the talus slopes at the base of some of the rock walls. They didn't just grow there. Use of helmets is advised for anyone approaching the rock formations. As a matter of fact, approaching the rock formationsis not advised. That is pretty stupid too. But ifyou DO choose to risk your worthless scrawny neckby going near rocks, shoulder pads, knee pads, elbow pads, athletic cups and supporters and other body armor may be handy as well. These items can be purchased or rented from mountaineering shops and athletic supply stores. They won't save you if you get hit by or scrape against something big or on another part of your body. A whole rock formation might collapse on you leave nothing but a grease spot. Don't think it can't happen. It does, and it probably will.

Weather can be dangerous, regardless of the forecast. Be prepared with extra clothing, including rain gear. Hypothermia, heat stroke, dehydration, frostbite, lightning, ice and snow, runoff from rainstorms, flashfloods, etc. can kill you. Rain can turn easy terrain into a deathtrap, can drown you if you're looking up into the sky with your mouth open, and vastly decreases traction on pavement. Snow is even worse, the hazards ranging from snowball fight injuries to avalanches.
If you scramble in high places (scrambling is moving over terrain steep enough to use your hands) without proper experience, training and equipment, or allow children to do so, you are making a terrible mistake. Even if you know what you're doing and are the most experienced and safest climber the world has ever known, you are still making a terrible mistake: lots of things can and do go wrong and you may be injured or die. It happens all the time.

Furthermore, scrambling amongst the huge boulders in this canyon, even without exposure of high places, can result in serious physical and/or emotional injury, or death.
This area, and this route, are not provided with any rangers or security personnel on any regular basis. The other people in the area, including other visitors, USFS employees, foreign agents, biologists and nature freaks, and anyone else who might sneak in, may be stupid, reckless, a religious fanatic, or otherwise dangerous. They may be mentally ill, criminally insane, drunk, using illegal drugs and/or armed with deadly weapons and ready to use them. I'm not going to do anything about that. I refuse to take responsibility.

Excessive consumption of alcohol, use of prescription drugs, over-the-counter medications, and/or legal or illegal controlled substances while frequenting this area can and probably will affect your mental state, alertness, and decision-making abilities, and could make an already dangerous situation even worse. Even abstinence won't protect you from the actions of others under the influence of such substances. Tough luck. Not my fault.

The driveways, freeways, highways, streets, alleys, back roads and unimproved 4WD tracks leading to this area kill hundreds of folks each year. Many of these fatalities are folks who aren't even on their way to this canyon, who in fact have never heard of this canyon, but are simply innocent victims. Not so you. You have been warned. You could get killed driving to the trailhead. Wearing your seatbelt tightly fastened with the lap belt low across your waist improves your chances of survival, in most cases (except that one steep section of road) but does not and cannot guarantee your safety. You might die before ever stepping out of your vehicle at the trailhead, or on the way home. It can happen any time. If you think you are immune from this kind of thing, you're fooling yourself.

This is not a sterile environment. Bacteria, viruses, protozoa, protoviruses, fungi and other forms of life and protolife which may or may not be currently included in either the plant or animal kingdom are capable of causing you serious bodily harm, illness, or death. These kinds of biological agents are both endemic in the area or present in the plant and animal populations; and are also capable of being carried or transmitted by your climbing partners and travelling companions. I'm not going to take responsibility for this, either. My advice for you to treat drinking water, wash your hands before and after going to the bathroom and before eating, and to not indulge in unprotected sex in this area, in no way obligates me to be responsible for the consequences if you fail to do so, nor does it mean that even if you DO take these precautions and something happens anyway, that I am to blame. Not so. Forget it. Nada. Negativo.

If you climb, you may die or be seriously injured. And the longer you climb the greater your risk of bad luck, which may or may not be compounded by hubris, catching up to you. This is true whether you are experienced or not, trained or not, and equipped or not, though training, experience and equipment may help. It's a fact, climbing is extremely dangerous. If you don't like it, stay at home. You really shouldn't be doing it anyway. I do not provide supervision or instruction. I am not responsible for, and do not inspect or maintain, climbing anchors (including bolts, pitons, slings, trees, etc.) As far as I know, any of them can and probably will suddenly fail without warning and send you plunging to your death with a bloodcurdling scream, likely pulling your partner to his or her doom as well. There are countless tons of loose rock ready to be dislodged and fall on you or someone else. There are any number of inobvious, extremely and unusually dangerous conditions existing on and around the rocks, and elsewhere in the canyon. I probably don't know about any specific hazard, but even if I do, don't expect this topo or its author to try to warn you. You're on your own.

Furthermore, the fact that I'm not trying to stop you from being in this area in no way implies, nor should it be inferred, that I approve, recommend, advocate, or otherwise in any way affirm that such action on your part is anything but incredibly stupid.

Rescue services are not provided by anyone near this climb, and may not be available quickly or at all. In fact, if anything really serious happens to you in this area, you'll probably be dead before word ever reaches civilization. Local rescue squads may not be equipped for or trained in mountain rescue. They probably won't be. If you are lucky enough to have somebody try to rescue you or treat your injuries, they will probably be incompetent or worse. This includes doctors and hospitals. I assume no responsibility. Also, if you decide to participate in a rescue of some other unfortunate, that's your choice. Don't do it unless you are willing to assume all risks, and don't blame me when it goes bad and you end up getting yourself sued in the process.

By using, or even just looking at this topo, you are agreeing that I owe you no duty of care or any other duty, you agree to release me, my relatives, heirs, dependents, and anyone else I care to name, now and forevermore, from any and all claims of liability, even though my actions may be grossly negligent and/or be construed as reckless endangerment, manslaughter, or other misconduct up to and including premeditated murder. By consulting this topo, you agree to waive forever any rights that you, your partners, dependents, heirs, inlaws, and others known or unknown to you may have, to legal compensation resulting from anything that has anything to do with this topo, including but in no way limited to paper cuts from the edge of the topo itself. If you try to sue me in spite of all this, you agree to pay my lawyers fees regardless of the outcome of the suit, and you expressely agree to re-imburse me for any loss or injury, be it financial, physical, emotional, or imagined, which I may experience as a result of such lawsuit.

I promise you nothing. I do not and will not even try to keep the area safe for any purpose. The area is NOT safe for any purpose. This is no joke. I won't even try to warn about any dangerous or hazardous condition, whether I know about it or not. If I do decide to warn you about something, that doesn't mean I will try to warn you about anything else. If I do make an effort to fix an unsafe condition, I may not try to correct any others, and I may actually make matters worse! I may have done things in the area that are unwise and dangerous. I probably did, but I don't remember. Sorry, I'm neither competent nor responsible. The topo gives you bad advice. Don't listen. Or do listen. It's your choice, but you face the consequences either way, whatever they may be.

In short, CLIMB AT YOUR OWN RISK. If you, or your heirs, relatives, dependents or others known or unknown to you; your partner or your partners heirs, relatives, dependents, or others known or unknown to your partner, are the slimy kind of lawyer-touting parasites who would try to sue the author of a topo, If you can't take responsibility for your own decisions, knowledge, routefinding and plain dumb luck, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stay far far away from this route and this canyon, give up climbing, and die of some completely natural, painful, and slowly progressive disease.

Thank you, climb safe, and have fun!

END of Disclaimer

http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.html?topic_id=883471&msg=883473#msg883473
last edited: 7/04/09 11:06:47 PM”

“
Don't smoke, don't drink, eat right, exercise..... die anyway.

Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse (too late for most of us, LOL).



All standard and nonstandard disclaimers apply.

Past performance is no guarantee of future results.

Neither fitness for a particular purpose nor
any warranty of merchantability is implied.

Batteries not included.

Results not typical.

Caveat emptor.



Attention   Ladies, Gentlemen and Others:

Please stow all luggage under your seat or in an overhead compartment.  Return folding trays and seat backs to the upright and locked position.  Please turn off all electronic devices at this time.  Place your head firmly between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye.

Brace for impact   —   Brace!   Brace!   Brace!

”

“Prosecutors will be violated.”

“thats my line!”

“Violators will be prostituted!!”

“Free Teeth (SI)



Curb Alert: Several pairs of women's and men/s false teeth in carton in front of 125 New Dorp Lane. Yours if you need them.


Location: SI”