Men vs. Women

“Reading Walkingdude's thread about LIFE reminds me just how different men and women really are--much to the disappointment of some. However, in an honest endeavor to prove this point, I offer the following:

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note -must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10.Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11.Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12.Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13.Turn off shower.
14.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray old spots with Tilex.
15.Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16.Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17.Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18.If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk nakid to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake your wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and scratch your a$$.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10.Majority of time spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11.Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12.Shampoo you hair (do not use conditioner).
13.Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14.Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15.Pee (in the shower).
16.Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17.Partially dry off.
18.Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19.Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20.Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21.Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22.Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

So true. The following comparison proves the point even more...


PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN:

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh 5 lbs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants

9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, pedicure, shampoo, and comb out

12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor care

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs

1:00 shopping with friends

3:00 Nap

4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist--card is from a secret admirer

4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage

5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner--Primp before mirror

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two, followed by dancing

10:00 Hot shower--Alone

10:30 Make love

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 fall asleep in his big, strong arms

===========================================================
PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN:

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Bl0wjob

6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast--Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport

8:15 Privatet jet to Augusta, Georgia

9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club

9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par

11:45 Lunch--2 dozen oysters on the half shell--3 Heinekens

12:15 Bl0wjob

12:30 Play the back 9 at Augusta, finish 4 under par

2:15 Limo back to airport--Drink 2 Bombay martinis

2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas--Nap

3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew

4:00 Bl0wjob.

4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin--1249 lbs.

5:00 Jet home--En route, get massage from n*de supermodel

7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash--Clinton resigns

7:30 Dinner--Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 oz New York strip steak

9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar

10:00 Have $ex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi

11:45 Go to bed

11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart--Watch dog run out of the room

11:52 Estimate the fart's vintage to be about 1925.

11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep


Like it or not, obviously men and women are not the same.”

“and for the difference , I give thanks daily.......
VIVA LA DIFFERANZ!”

“uh... there a 4 women out at the National during lunch and they all look like your grandmother. Sorry!”

“Golf sucks!”

“Sounds like the perfect day to me.”

“ROTFLMMFAO!!!!!!!!!
Yall are Killing me!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!”

“Laughed till the tears rolled.”

“can i get a porterhouse with my lunch?”

“Day time - Wake up
* Lay down on my daddy and get good skratchs, rubs, and pets.
* Go outside and pee.
* Doodoo.
* Eet some supper.
* Smell for kittykittys and rats.
* Growl and bark at dog cross the rode.
* Lik cooter.
* Go back inside when my daddy opens the skreem dore.
* Lay down on the sopa and take a good nap.
* Wake up.
* Do not take no bath.
* Pee.
* Get in truk.
* Look at cows and dogs and nother things out truk windo.
* Take a good nap.
* Wake up.
* Get out of truk and put on pakpak.
* Pee
* Walk in woods.
* Look at tree rats.
* Smell bare doodoo.
* Make a tent.
* Eet supper.
* Pee
* Get in sleepy bag and close eylips.”

“Then there's this one, that a friend of mine emailed me the other day.


Yesterday scientists announced to the world the alarming results of a recent analysis that found the presence of female hormones in beer. This comes as a cruel blow to all men. It is advised that if you are male between the ages of 18 and 85 you may need to seek medical assistance
to assess your beer consumption.

WARNING: Drinking beer eventually turns men into women!!!!!

THE TEST: 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour period.

THE RESULT: 100% of the men:

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when wrong

NOTE: No further testing is planned.”

“The Difference...
Women have more imagination than men do.
They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

The Workplace...
When a man gives his opinion, he's a man.
When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch.

Relationships...
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

Love...
Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.

The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to understand her.

To women, love is an occupation.
To men, a preoccupation.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage...
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but the doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who
wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn't.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Husbands...
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife
happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

Wives...
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

The Battle...
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

On Men...
If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.

On Women...
Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Women have two weapons: cosmetics and tears.

Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age.”

“( My Favorite)...
If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.”

“LeSubtil, you are never gonna make it into the HMWH club if you keep posting crap like that!”

“Hey bacpac will this help get me in?


Things a REAL man should do.

1. Call her the next day.
2. Always laugh at her jokes.
3. Tell her (truthfully) that you can't wait to see her again.
4. Offer her a backrub, without asking for one in return.
5. Call her just to say you were thinking about her.
6. Bring her a teddy bear and chicken soup when she's sick.
7. Write her a poem.
8. Slow dance with her (not only on a dance floor).
9. Bring her flowers for no reason.
10. Send her a (handwritten) letter just to say hello.
11. Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something sweet.
12. Kiss her in the middle of a sentence.
13. Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars.
14. Tell her something about you that no one else knows.
15. Remind her that you still think she's beautiful.
16. Take a bubble bath together.
17. Watch a sappy movie with her.
18. Surprise her with a candlelight dinner.
19. Never stop trying to impress her.
20. Tell her you love her.
21. Never forget how much she means to you.
22. Give her great big hugs for no reason.”

“Thank you Le Subtil for that bit of balance.”

“So basically all you men think about is sex? So where's the difference? That's all us women think about too. The only difference is that we don't admit to it.

I've heard that when a man looks at a woman, he undresses her with his eyes. So do women but we do it much more discretely.

Simply put.....we'll "all" animals!”

“I am a bear hikerchic5, does that turn you on babe?”

“That is pretty much it in a nutshell hikerchick. Men are honest and we can pee standing up. Beyond that the distictions are less clear.”

“I can pee standing up, I don't know why I would(messy) but I CAN do it. Honest!”

“You gotta love a woman that`ll try,..good on ya Wolfsister,... you`d be a hoot and a fun person to get to know.”

“Wolfsister

But can you stand up straight and pee over a fence?”

“I can respect a woman who can pee standing up. I would really respect a picture of a woman standing up and peeing.”

“Hey wolfsister,
You are also the only person that I know of that knows about sulfur around socks and waist bands keeping chiggers and ticks off. YOU"RE OK!! You are from the country, right?”

“does peeing in the shower count?....that is standing up.”

“Now that's talent!”

“now, who had that website.......”